Miscellaneous comments on the Salon story

by Vyckie

Okay ~ I’ve got the kids off to school ~ the house is not in too horrible shape, no errands to run ~ so I’ve got some time to write today

There a few clarifications from the salon.com article which I’ve been meaning to post (hopefully, this won’t sound defensive):

My mother was a little unhappy about being portrayed as having a “series of live-in boyfriends” ~ it’s the truth, of course ~ but she wishes I’d have included the fact that she eventually “met Jesus” (that part is coming up in my story) and has totally turned her life around. Mom has been happily married to a sweet, Christian (far from patriarchal) man for 16 years ~ Wayne is a supportive husband and super grandpa. They live about 30 miles south of us ~ but Mom was hardly allowed contact with me and my children before my divorce because Warren felt way too threatened whenever Grandma came around. She’s an independent thinker and didn’t uphold his authority to the children to the degree that he thought she should. In the past year or so, since the divorce, Mom & I have been getting re-acquainted now that we are allowed to talk whenever we want. Says Mom, “I used to think it’d be easier to get the president on the line than to talk to Vyckie since Warren controlled the phone and always told me she was too busy or too tired to talk.”

The doctor who treated me after I had a partial uterine rupture did not lecture me for an hour not to conceive again. Actually, he spent an hour carefully removing adhesions and stitching me back together. He did mention to Warren that it would be very dangerous for me to have another baby. “So why did he leave me my uterus, if he doesn’t think I should use it?” was what I wanted to know. Even after coming so close to losing both my son and my own life, I could not really justify using birth control in my own head. I’m telling you ~ conviction is powerful stuff.

It didn’t take Angel’s suicide attempt to make me see that the younger children were becoming dispirited in the controlling atmosphere of our home. An episode when Angel was 16, in which she injured herself in a cry for help had its intended affect ~ I had to admit to myself that Warren’s treatment of Angel was abusive. And I could see then that progression from happy, enthusiastic child to beaten down, disheartened and angry teen was being followed by the younger children too. For many years afterwards, I took a more assertive approach to shield the children from their father’s “poor communication and relational skills” (as I saw it) ~ which often put me in the position of “undermining” Warren in front of the kids. My interference made him more difficult for me to live with ~ but at least the younger children were spared from a lot of what Angel went through.

What Angel’s suicide attempt did accomplish was to wake me up to the fact that all my efforts to mitigate Warren’s abusive treatment of the children was not going to prevent them from suffering irreversible damage to both psyche and spirit. I was knocking myself out trying to make life with him liveable ~ hoping that the Lord would protect my kids and make up for their father’s shortcomings ~ but now the time for making excuses was over. I wasn’t going to stand by while he drove them all to despair and mental instability.

I keep saying that I want to write more about my correspondence with my uncle. I’m going to do it ~ but that’s going to take an entire post of its own. More on that later …

The Salvation Army church that I attend now is only “relatively liberal” (relative to the home churches we used to attend) ~ the co-pastors are a husband and wife team who really embrace equality in marriage and ministry. My pastor, Heather, whom I like to tease about not taking the bible “seriously” will insist that she loves her bible and takes it quite seriously ~ but she does not see patriarchy or the subordination of women in the Word of God. What I really appreciate about Heather is that she does not feel any obligation to give the appearance of being practically perfect and having it all together as part of her witness for Christ. She’ll admit when she’s angry or struggling or confused. I admire her enthusiasm ~ it sometimes scares me that she’s so willing to talk to me (we have coffee together every Friday morning) ~ I almost hope that she never sees things my way because I’d hate to have her become disillusioned like me.

Well ~ this is long. Hopefully, I’ve covered everything. Kathryn Joyce did call me to check quotes before publishing the article ~ she did an impressive job, I think, of telling my story. Of course, seeing it in print is always different ~ so I just wanted to write about these few things. What I really want to do is to tell it all in my own words ~ and that’s just what I intend to do. I also want to write a review of Joyce’s book, Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement because it’s a real eye-opener and I do hope it will get the attention it deserves.

So, stay tuned …