aimai

As a husband who lost a baby with my wife (stillborn at 36 weeks, spitting image of his older brother, completely heartbreaking), I can guarantee you that we grieved differently.

But the issue is not grieving differently. The issue is denying her way of grieving. If he didn’t want it in the front yard, I can see a place for coming to an accommodation over a more acceptable place. But demanding that it be sent back is not asserting his own way of grieving but rather denying hers.

At any rate if there is some kind of equity issue between Laura and Dale it is for them to work out. He has no more right to have his story told here than he does to appear as the hero in Laura’s personal diary. The commenters here are not here as some kind of super-imaginary-jury that has to hear “both sides” in coming to an equitable decision. And we’re not some kind of piece of marital property either, to be divided evenly between the two parties. Laura is free to write her own story, and to express her own feelings to her new community and so is Dale. And we are free to choose to respond to that, as a new if ephemeral community of women with our own histories and expiriences. I guess what I’m saying is that although Dale’s story might be different from Laura’s he doesn’t have any moral claim on our attention.

aimai

I think we’re all aware of the one-sidedness of this blog. But, as the comment you quoted says and you yourself have admitted – for certain things there simply is no defense. Just excuses and rationalizations that don’t take away the fact that Dale’s behaviour in this particular story was hurtful and abusive.

IMHO this reminder would have been better on the (for example) guitar story ;D

One thing we all need to remember is that Dale isn’t writing here. We are hearing one side of the story. There are always two sides to any story.

While most of think that Dale’s behavior was atrocious in many, many respects, (the trip to Brazil alone, the not allowing Laura to go to college, holding her captive to his desires, etc.) we also have to realize that we’ve not read anything he’s written in/about his own defense/mentality/thinking.

Also, Laura… Wow… The depth of honesty in your writing amazes me. I am so sorry for all of the pain that you have experienced, and I believe this is the first time that I’ve ever teared up in reading a blog post. I’m really glad that you got out of that situation. I believe that your writing will prove healing to many readers out there, and I hope it will do the same for you. You have been through a lot of trauma, and I applaud you for speaking out about it.

You know, I usually try to look at all sides of a situation but I don’t think, even using a “culturally appropriate” model of gendered ways of dealing with grief that Dale escapes severe condemnation here. He’s not “a monster” but he is definitely not entitled to act out some histrionic version of silent, manly, male grief either. At some point in our adult lives we have to take responsibility for the relationship we are in. If Dale had arrived at his mid to late thirties or forties, been the father to nine living children and the father of three miscarried babies he has had more than enough time to *grow up* and learn to consider other people’s feelings *even if* he is grieving himself. The moment of surprise which, you surmise, would have made “even an egalitarian husband” respond with anger lasted a minute. The decision forcing his grieving wife to return the gift lasted the rest of their marriage. That’s a darned long time for a guy to get up every day and be angry that he can’t grieve properly, and act as though lashing out at his wife is appropriate.

This gets back to a discussion that Vyckie and Charis and I and others were having about the infantilization of men in the Quiverful movement. You are infantilizing Dale by making excuses for his behavior when there is really no excuse. An adult person, of whatever sex, has a duty to their partner and their loved ones to consider that person’s feelings very carefully, where appropriate. That means you don’t give over to the other person control of all *your* emotions and desires, because that is not appropriate, and you are careful not to offend or overly control their emotions, because that is not appropriate.

Dale isn’t a slave to his masculine need for silent mourning. He allowed himself to use his tiny bit of power over Laura as king of his little kingdom to lash out at her for grieving. To my mind that compounds the offense, it doesn’t mitigate it.

aimai

Just like Laura wasn’t allowed to grieve in her own way. She had to grieve in a manner approved by her federal head. If the way he approved didn’t do it for her… Oh well, Stinks to be her. At least this is how it is in Patriarchy land.

Whatever.

I’m glad you’re out, too, Laura, and can have a chance to be your own person.

Mara