Comments on: Laura’s Story…will be slightly delayed

By: Laura

Laura — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 14:14:00 +0000

It must be a thing with Lauras. I used to be a pastor’s wife, but I was fortunate enough to get out after only three years of marriage and one kid, but I can really identify with the blaming of self and the anger when trying to write it down. My pastor husband took pleasure in getting me drunk and then having a friend of his have sex with me, and I still blamed myself for the end of my marriage and felt so ashamed. It is insane what religion can do to you.

I am glad you got out, too. I think you did the right thing. I know I did, even though I still deal with the fallout.

By: lisa

lisa — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 19:06:00 +0000

The point of this blog is Laura's healing. This is her story. Her experience. It cannot be argued with. Take it or leave it.

For my part, thank you Laura for sharing your story. I wondered about what was happening to you over the years. And I am not surprised to hear the truth.
We (my husband & I) got out of the same brainwashed-mess by the skin of our teeth. He did not want to be a party to that mindset any more than I. It took us leaving the state and starting over where no one knew us.

You made a hard choice and saved your life.

By: Kristin

Kristin — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 16:42:00 +0000

"I just don't feel this blog is honoring to the Lord or helpful and honoring to your sweet children. Airing this "dirty laundry" is just not helpful to them. They have been through so much already. They are hurting enough. I pray for your children."

That's some manipulative bullshit right there. Look... No one is debating *your personal happiness,* Jessica. You know what I think is "disgusting" Jessica? I think that coming on to a woman's blog--and particularly to a post in which she talks about the pain and anger that she is experiencing as a result of her abuse... To come here and trivialize all of it in order to justify your own reality is disgusting to me.

Laura is not trying to tear down your home church. She's not showing up to disrupt the services and scream, "FREEEDOMMMM!!!" Or making out with other women in the front row. She's not posting on your blogs or your forums to prove once and for all that UR DOIN' IT RONG. She is not giving you instructions about how to raise your own children. Nor is she making sanctimonious and specious claims about your marriage or your relationships. She is not even leading Teh Great Big Evol Campaign to End Quiverfull. And, most of all, she is not responding to you with abuse even though you came here to abuse her.

Jessica, you know what I'm tempted to say whenever people offer to "pray" for me? ("Pray," as in: gossip about my apostasy and non-heteronormativity with all the believers back home) Well, to be honest, I usually have to repress the urge to leave it at "f***[redacted] you and the horse you rode in on." But, you know what?

That's not what I'll close with. I will pray for you, Jessica. Yeah, you read that right, and I'm not even identifying as a Christian today, but I. Will. Pray. For. You.

That is all.

By: emf1947

emf1947 — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 02:56:00 +0000

I no longer have the article I read this in, so I can’t give a proper cite, but an article I got many years ago from our local Battered Women’s Shelter talked about the way batterers respond when their wives/girlfriends try to leave and how they often make temporary changes. The author commented that the men are motivated to do this because they need their partners, in a way that would be unhealthy even if there were no abuse going on.

By: Linnea

Linnea — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 02:42:00 +0000

Reading this blog makes me want to reach out a big warm comforting blanket of love to all the women who have been abused.

Laura, I think it’s very telling that while you were staying put in the marriage, Dale wasn’t willing to give you what you wanted/needed, but when faced with the threat of losing you, he was. In other words, he wouldn’t give you love and attention for your own sake, only as a means of trying to keep you.

By: Arietty

Arietty — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 02:36:00 +0000

And you know Laura for your ex-husband not being able to fix “it” is a consequence of all those years of abuse. It’s like you’re a drunk and you maim someone in a car crash and then you get sober and are full of remorse.. well you might get forgiveness but the maiming will always be there and you will never be able to fix it. That’s what happens to relationships. We accept this is so with abusive parents, there are books on “Toxic Parents” but even the world balks at accepting this is so with a broken marriage.

I hate the pressure put on people, the intense obligation to not let a marriage fail. For christians marriage is an entity separate from both individuals, an entity that demands obeisance of one’s whole life. The entity is ALWAYS more important than the individuals in it. It is just weird!!

“two shall become one flesh” is also totally weird. I mean, WTH? No thanks. I have a fantastic relationship with my second husband whom I adore.. we are friends, lovers and co-parents. I talk about “my relationship” when I talk about us or him, I don’t like talking about “my marriage” because the term has so much grotesque baggage to me. I reject marriage as an entity. We are two individuals who are friends, lovers, co-parents.

By: Laura

Laura — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 02:12:00 +0000

Dear Arietty,
I too was in this situation in so much as my life had moved on. My dear friend Kathy pointed out in her comment that my ex was doing backflips (or something like that) to try to make me happy and come home. I remember describing his actions to my brother as different from “too little, too late”. It was more like “enough, too late”. I was no longer interested in reconciling. I had no desire to go back into the “box” I had just escaped from and all the gifts, compliments and affection just made me angry. It was like all the things that he wouldn’t do all those years he was now doing and it just made me feel the hurt of the past more acutely. I was lovingly blasted by some well meaning friends and such and endured more than a few guilt trips over it. I have used this word picture more than once… if a woman is raped by a man, she never forgets that. She may be able to forgive him but does that mean she has to be in the same room with him, be nice to him or be married to him? Even if he “changes” and becomes a nice person and “puts the past behind him”…does that mean that she must or even can do the same? I couldn’t.

By: Arietty

Arietty — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 00:04:00 +0000

Concerning a spouse changing.. yes very good that people have pointed out that the change is often a part of a the cycle of abuse and is not a long lasting thing, or is superficial. I do want to say though that if my ex-husband had changed COMPLETELY I still would never have gone back to him. Too much happened. My children were too damaged by his rage. I wouldn’t ask them to be babysat by some man who had terrorized them for years and then miraculously changed so why would I want them to live with their father under those conditions. Part of protecting them was about giving them space not to have deal with these issues, to be FREE to be kids.

Just because a person fixes themselves doesn’t mean all their relationships are fixed. The past doesn’t just disappear. And sometimes love has been trampled to the point where it is just unsalvageable. Where I disagree with christians is that I don’t consider marriage some sacred idol to which I am forever bound. So I can happily say that even if he had changed completely I wouldn’t have cared, my life had moved on.

By: Susanne

Susanne — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 20:30:00 +0000

I thought Jesus was all about not judging other people.

Judging is such an irresistable sin, it takes no intellect, no work...you just open your mouth and spew high-minded opinions on the imperfections in other people's lives, all while cozily wrapped in a cloak of superiority and faux concern.

Too bad our Annon didn't get the memo.

By: Hollis M.

Hollis M. — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 19:40:00 +0000

All, I understand that this string of comments is getting very long, and adding mine may be repetitive. I just want to say that this blog has been instrumental in helping me recover from an abusive relationship. I have never been a believer in God, but several people in my life (Kristen F., if you are reading this by any chance, big thanks to you) have helped me see how deeply good and kind some people's faith in God can help them to be. Laura, you and Vickie have, with your thoughtful attitudes, helped me to move beyond some of the cynicism about humanity that my relationship with my ex instilled in me, and to believe in the love that exists between me and the truly good person I am with now. His love and respect for me is what I know will make our future marriage blessed. The anonymous commented did the exact opposite. I suspect she was motivated more by fear or anger than by her purported belief that it was right to say the things she did, but they sadden me nonetheless. I really hope, Laura, that you will not allow comments like hers to keep you from writing a single word that could help others like me recover faith in life, love, and the fundamental goodness of people.

With gratitude,

H.M. in California