Comments on: We mustn’t get ANGRY http://nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/ There Is No 'You' In Quivering ... Thu, 24 May 2012 13:54:48 +0000 hourly 1 By: Tapati http://nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/comment-page-1/#comment-1488 Tapati Tue, 14 Apr 2009 01:18:00 +0000 http://www.nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/#comment-1488 Anger is a stage of dealing with the aftermath of abuse and oppression. One doesn't get to the "letting go" and "forgiveness" stage overnight. Abuse survivors have a stockpile of suppressed rage to work out. I used to have dreams nearly every night that I was defending myself physically from my ex-husband. This went on until one night I succeeded in overcoming him. After this victorious dream I made a lot of progress in moving on and coping with the feelings that had nearly overwhelmed me. Anger is a stage of dealing with the aftermath of abuse and oppression. One doesn’t get to the “letting go” and “forgiveness” stage overnight. Abuse survivors have a stockpile of suppressed rage to work out. I used to have dreams nearly every night that I was defending myself physically from my ex-husband. This went on until one night I succeeded in overcoming him. After this victorious dream I made a lot of progress in moving on and coping with the feelings that had nearly overwhelmed me.

]]> By: Tapati http://nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/comment-page-1/#comment-1492 Tapati Tue, 14 Apr 2009 01:18:00 +0000 http://www.nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/#comment-1492 Anger is a stage of dealing with the aftermath of abuse and oppression. One doesn't get to the "letting go" and "forgiveness" stage overnight. Abuse survivors have a stockpile of suppressed rage to work out. I used to have dreams nearly every night that I was defending myself physically from my ex-husband. This went on until one night I succeeded in overcoming him. After this victorious dream I made a lot of progress in moving on and coping with the feelings that had nearly overwhelmed me. Anger is a stage of dealing with the aftermath of abuse and oppression. One doesn’t get to the “letting go” and “forgiveness” stage overnight. Abuse survivors have a stockpile of suppressed rage to work out. I used to have dreams nearly every night that I was defending myself physically from my ex-husband. This went on until one night I succeeded in overcoming him. After this victorious dream I made a lot of progress in moving on and coping with the feelings that had nearly overwhelmed me.

]]> By: Linnea http://nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/comment-page-1/#comment-1487 Linnea Thu, 09 Apr 2009 20:54:00 +0000 http://www.nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/#comment-1487 Loredena, I have the same problem. I hate the way my husband acts when he's mad, even if it's not at me. Especially when he doesn't express his anger to the person he's mad at, but comes home and stomps and swears around the house complaining about them.<br/><br/>As I posted above, in my family-of-origin, people didn't act out anger. (Hey, we're Scandinavian. We didn't act out any emotions ;-) I still don't think a loud, aggressive tone and body language do anything to help resolve a situtation, but if that's the way you've learned to behave, it's hard to un-learn.<br/><br/>Vyckie, you mentioned wanting to talk to me, and I've been avoiding you. My first thought was "Oh no, she's going to tell me I should leave my marriage, and I don't want to hear that." I do have this ongoing "Am I better off with him or without him?" dialog going with myself . . . But I realize that this blog isn't about me. Anyway, I'll send you some contact information. Loredena, I have the same problem. I hate the way my husband acts when he’s mad, even if it’s not at me. Especially when he doesn’t express his anger to the person he’s mad at, but comes home and stomps and swears around the house complaining about them.

As I posted above, in my family-of-origin, people didn’t act out anger. (Hey, we’re Scandinavian. We didn’t act out any emotions ;-) I still don’t think a loud, aggressive tone and body language do anything to help resolve a situtation, but if that’s the way you’ve learned to behave, it’s hard to un-learn.

Vyckie, you mentioned wanting to talk to me, and I’ve been avoiding you. My first thought was “Oh no, she’s going to tell me I should leave my marriage, and I don’t want to hear that.” I do have this ongoing “Am I better off with him or without him?” dialog going with myself . . . But I realize that this blog isn’t about me. Anyway, I’ll send you some contact information.

]]> By: Linnea http://nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/comment-page-1/#comment-1491 Linnea Thu, 09 Apr 2009 20:54:00 +0000 http://www.nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/#comment-1491 Loredena, I have the same problem. I hate the way my husband acts when he's mad, even if it's not at me. Especially when he doesn't express his anger to the person he's mad at, but comes home and stomps and swears around the house complaining about them.<br/><br/>As I posted above, in my family-of-origin, people didn't act out anger. (Hey, we're Scandinavian. We didn't act out any emotions ;-) I still don't think a loud, aggressive tone and body language do anything to help resolve a situtation, but if that's the way you've learned to behave, it's hard to un-learn.<br/><br/>Vyckie, you mentioned wanting to talk to me, and I've been avoiding you. My first thought was "Oh no, she's going to tell me I should leave my marriage, and I don't want to hear that." I do have this ongoing "Am I better off with him or without him?" dialog going with myself . . . But I realize that this blog isn't about me. Anyway, I'll send you some contact information. Loredena, I have the same problem. I hate the way my husband acts when he’s mad, even if it’s not at me. Especially when he doesn’t express his anger to the person he’s mad at, but comes home and stomps and swears around the house complaining about them.

As I posted above, in my family-of-origin, people didn’t act out anger. (Hey, we’re Scandinavian. We didn’t act out any emotions ;-) I still don’t think a loud, aggressive tone and body language do anything to help resolve a situtation, but if that’s the way you’ve learned to behave, it’s hard to un-learn.

Vyckie, you mentioned wanting to talk to me, and I’ve been avoiding you. My first thought was “Oh no, she’s going to tell me I should leave my marriage, and I don’t want to hear that.” I do have this ongoing “Am I better off with him or without him?” dialog going with myself . . . But I realize that this blog isn’t about me. Anyway, I’ll send you some contact information.

]]> By: Anonymous http://nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/comment-page-1/#comment-1486 Anonymous Wed, 08 Apr 2009 22:42:00 +0000 http://www.nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/#comment-1486 Learning to fight fair is hard, and important. My husband and I don't fight very often, but one of the things that has surfaced more than once is that I do not deal well with anger. Even when the anger has *nothing* to do with me, and is not aimed at me -- if he is ranting about something, I flinch and get upset. And he then gets upset because he can't get angry ;/ Most unproductive, and something we're both working on.<br/><br/>Loredena Learning to fight fair is hard, and important. My husband and I don’t fight very often, but one of the things that has surfaced more than once is that I do not deal well with anger. Even when the anger has *nothing* to do with me, and is not aimed at me — if he is ranting about something, I flinch and get upset. And he then gets upset because he can’t get angry ;/ Most unproductive, and something we’re both working on.

Loredena

]]> By: Anonymous http://nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/comment-page-1/#comment-1490 Anonymous Wed, 08 Apr 2009 22:42:00 +0000 http://www.nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/#comment-1490 Learning to fight fair is hard, and important. My husband and I don't fight very often, but one of the things that has surfaced more than once is that I do not deal well with anger. Even when the anger has *nothing* to do with me, and is not aimed at me -- if he is ranting about something, I flinch and get upset. And he then gets upset because he can't get angry ;/ Most unproductive, and something we're both working on.<br/><br/>Loredena Learning to fight fair is hard, and important. My husband and I don’t fight very often, but one of the things that has surfaced more than once is that I do not deal well with anger. Even when the anger has *nothing* to do with me, and is not aimed at me — if he is ranting about something, I flinch and get upset. And he then gets upset because he can’t get angry ;/ Most unproductive, and something we’re both working on.

Loredena

]]> By: Anonymous http://nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/comment-page-1/#comment-1485 Anonymous Wed, 08 Apr 2009 06:44:00 +0000 http://www.nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/#comment-1485 Good discussion....it's funny-I've been married 16 years and my wife and I used to think that a good marriage meant not arguing or getting angry with each other.<br/><br/>Now if someone asks advice about marriage, we tell them the secret to a happy marriage is to learn how to fight fair. <br/><br/>mww Good discussion….it’s funny-I’ve been married 16 years and my wife and I used to think that a good marriage meant not arguing or getting angry with each other.

Now if someone asks advice about marriage, we tell them the secret to a happy marriage is to learn how to fight fair.

mww

]]> By: Anonymous http://nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/comment-page-1/#comment-1489 Anonymous Wed, 08 Apr 2009 06:44:00 +0000 http://www.nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/#comment-1489 Good discussion....it's funny-I've been married 16 years and my wife and I used to think that a good marriage meant not arguing or getting angry with each other.<br/><br/>Now if someone asks advice about marriage, we tell them the secret to a happy marriage is to learn how to fight fair. <br/><br/>mww Good discussion….it’s funny-I’ve been married 16 years and my wife and I used to think that a good marriage meant not arguing or getting angry with each other.

Now if someone asks advice about marriage, we tell them the secret to a happy marriage is to learn how to fight fair.

mww

]]> By: aimai http://nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/comment-page-1/#comment-1484 aimai Tue, 07 Apr 2009 13:04:00 +0000 http://www.nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/#comment-1484 Former Muslim<br/>I, too, am intrigued by your story. And not to go totally OT but it seems to me that a lot of women on this board, for various reasons, are looking back with mixed emotions on the past years--ten, twenty, twenty five--and asking "what happened?" Where did those years go? I'm currently in a happy marriage, and my children are relatively young, and until recently that has sort of protected me from that "what happened" feeling but I'm actually quite the late bloomer--for me to fit in Laura's eleven children I'd probably still be having them well into my sixties!--so as I head towards 49 I'm suddenly realizing that, win, lose, or draw those years are just gone down the rabbit hole. I was looking over at my husband the other day and I found myself (thank god he forgave me) asking "hey, who snuck in and took my handsome young husband away and put this old grey haired geezer in his place while I wasn't looking?"<br/><br/>My grandmother used to say that people live "lifelets" and that they tear one old life off and see the new one the way they do pages of a calendar. I am trying to think of it that way as I head into my second half century and remind myself that just because that young woman's life has been used up in various ways doesn't mean that this older woman's life is over. Its just going to be different.<br/><br/>aimai Former Muslim
I, too, am intrigued by your story. And not to go totally OT but it seems to me that a lot of women on this board, for various reasons, are looking back with mixed emotions on the past years–ten, twenty, twenty five–and asking “what happened?” Where did those years go? I’m currently in a happy marriage, and my children are relatively young, and until recently that has sort of protected me from that “what happened” feeling but I’m actually quite the late bloomer–for me to fit in Laura’s eleven children I’d probably still be having them well into my sixties!–so as I head towards 49 I’m suddenly realizing that, win, lose, or draw those years are just gone down the rabbit hole. I was looking over at my husband the other day and I found myself (thank god he forgave me) asking “hey, who snuck in and took my handsome young husband away and put this old grey haired geezer in his place while I wasn’t looking?”

My grandmother used to say that people live “lifelets” and that they tear one old life off and see the new one the way they do pages of a calendar. I am trying to think of it that way as I head into my second half century and remind myself that just because that young woman’s life has been used up in various ways doesn’t mean that this older woman’s life is over. Its just going to be different.

aimai

]]> By: Charis http://nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/comment-page-1/#comment-1483 Charis Tue, 07 Apr 2009 12:13:00 +0000 http://www.nolongerquivering.com/2009/04/05/we-mustnt-get-angry/#comment-1483 Jadehawk,<br/><br/>ditto, I am the "yeller" in my marriage. <br/><br/>My husband demonstrated outward anger early on, but then (when he lost a ministry job due to anger) it all went underground. He would lower his voice almost to a whisper and pride himself on being "gentle and quiet" but his words spoken in that oh so soft voice cut like a knife. I used to wish he showed emotion. He was like an emotion-free zone. (except he would laugh out loud at the top of his lungs if he provoked a teenage daughter to tears). Not that you are in an abusive relationship (thank God!) but I just wanted to add to the conversation that not all abuse occurs in loud angry voices. Using Bancroft's labels from "Why does he DO that?" my husband was a cross between "water torturer" and "victim".<br/><br/>Jadehawk, I think you would appreciate Gottman's marriage research. He found that "anger in marital relationship did not predict divorce whereas contempt and defensiveness did so reliably". There's too much to post all of it, but if you go on googlebooks and look up John Mordecacai Gottman, there are lots of free limited book previews which are very interesting and ring very true to me.<br/><br/>Here's a link to one of the many books:<br/>http://books.google.com/books?id=efEuNZXBWrYC&printsec=frontcover#PPA308,M1<br/><br/>QUOTE: <i>In our recent sequential analyses of older happy couples (who had been married an average of forty years) the only sequence that came out significant was the husband's positive response to the wife's anger</i> ENDQUOTE<br/><br/>I remember when I first started venting my anger (after 22 years of stuffing) how good it felt. I think a marriage without a wife's anger is a marriage without passion. And reading Gottman, he says that low conflict marriages are at high risk. Conflict avoidance is not healthy.:<br/><br/>http://books.google.com/books?id=tRJqkrR05j4C&printsec=frontcover#PPA134,M1<br/><br/>former muslim,<br/>hi, <br/>welcome to the conversation! :) <br/>I am intrigued by your story. Jadehawk,

ditto, I am the "yeller" in my marriage.

My husband demonstrated outward anger early on, but then (when he lost a ministry job due to anger) it all went underground. He would lower his voice almost to a whisper and pride himself on being "gentle and quiet" but his words spoken in that oh so soft voice cut like a knife. I used to wish he showed emotion. He was like an emotion-free zone. (except he would laugh out loud at the top of his lungs if he provoked a teenage daughter to tears). Not that you are in an abusive relationship (thank God!) but I just wanted to add to the conversation that not all abuse occurs in loud angry voices. Using Bancroft's labels from "Why does he DO that?" my husband was a cross between "water torturer" and "victim".

Jadehawk, I think you would appreciate Gottman's marriage research. He found that "anger in marital relationship did not predict divorce whereas contempt and defensiveness did so reliably". There's too much to post all of it, but if you go on googlebooks and look up John Mordecacai Gottman, there are lots of free limited book previews which are very interesting and ring very true to me.

Here's a link to one of the many books:
http://books.google.com/books?id=efEuNZXBWrYC&printsec=frontcover#PPA308,M1

QUOTE: In our recent sequential analyses of older happy couples (who had been married an average of forty years) the only sequence that came out significant was the husband’s positive response to the wife’s anger ENDQUOTE

I remember when I first started venting my anger (after 22 years of stuffing) how good it felt. I think a marriage without a wife's anger is a marriage without passion. And reading Gottman, he says that low conflict marriages are at high risk. Conflict avoidance is not healthy.:

http://books.google.com/books?id=tRJqkrR05j4C&printsec=frontcover#PPA134,M1

former muslim,
hi,
welcome to the conversation! :)
I am intrigued by your story.

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