Here’s some links
-this is from a “Focus on the Family” outreach to singles
-Driscol from Mars Hill Church preaches the same list of areas the husband controls (minute 23)
-Husband as Prophet Priest and King by Bob Lepine, another national radio figure (Family Life). They run marriage weekends all over the country to indoctrinate mainstream evangelical couples.

aka Charis

One of the biggest components of the QF lifestyle, apart from having many children, is “The woman has to obey the husband at all times.” As the snapshots illustrate, once the husband makes up his mind, the woman HAS to go along, no matter her own wishes.

If one party of a relationship is granted this kind of power over the other, he is bound to abuse it as Dale does here. And within the QF mindset, it’s not wrong for him to be controlling – it’s even expected. I imagine selfishness is looked down upon, but it’s been described in other posts how ultimately it’s always the woman who is counceled to change her behaviour, to be more meek and submissive…

So.. Ex-QFers, correct me if I got this down wrong…?

My own opinion, based on a lot of reading about American christian movements, is that *movement* is the key term–that is, there’s a kind of centrifugal force in some protestant christian denominations/communities that continually forces some men and their families towards the fringe of their own churches. To my mind that is because of the emphasis on
1) solo scriptural study
2) patriarchal models of the father/husband as jesus
3) texts that are read as promoting withdrawal from society, politics, or the non believing world.
4) emergent paranoid views of science and especially medicine and education.
5) hybrid notions of american exceptionalism crossed with john birch/mormon notions of libertarianism and anti communism.

Families that start out pretty average for modern america can find themselves self isolating, turning inward, insisting on performing all communal roles for themselves (from priest to teacher to doctor to lawyer). The end result can be frightening isolation for the women and children, who become the new religious and political subjects of men who think of themselves as in the position of divine or divinely inspired.

aimai

Kaderin,
I don’t see this as QF but controlling and selfish. The others have great comments about how in a healthy relationship this could have been resolved to everyone’s advantage. I think it is important not to paint all ills as QF but differentiate the behaviors in this sharing. There are many QFers who are blessed in their marriages. They are not all disfunctional. I also find that much of the abuse here is not only spousal abuse but church abuse. It is doubly painful to extricate oneself from the fellowship we trusted and allowed ourselves to be vulnerable before. I willingly went to the older women in the church for advise. I willingly went to pastors for teaching and counsel. This is what we are told to do. When my questions went beyond exegesis and turned personal all of a sudden I was treated as a fake, a liar and questionable source. I no longer played the part. Just my perspective.

This may be a misunderstanding on my part, but I dont see that all QF followers think having an absolutely open womb no matter the consequences is ideal. Some desire the fullness of large family life. Is this a misnomer. Are the latter just large families and not QFers to be technical? There are many shades of gray.

I’d say that this is one of the differences between a marriage in which two people genuinely enjoy each other and a marriage in which one or both of the parties think its a zero sum game in which one person’s enjoyment positively detracts from the other person’s pleasure. Music sounds like it was just another place where your husband experienced himself as neglected our out of control and choose to assert an absurd, fake, control to regain the upper hand.

aimai

It’s lovely to play whatever music I like now. My ex made it clear that he hated anything that was my taste, christian or non-christian. One of the first things I did when I was free was go out and buy some cd’s and play them LOUD, reveling in my freedom to enjoy them.

Enjoy Laura!!!

Michele

Unlike in your other snapshots, I actually understand Dan’s desire to play the guitare here. He may not be good at it, but he enjoys it. His wish to play in church even though you’re better is valid. HOWEVER – to achieve his wish he pulls rank at you. With no regard to your wishes.

If he’d asked you and you had a mature discussion on this, in a healthy relationship one of you would have shown love and support for the other’s wish eventually. Things like these are small opportunities to strengthen the bond of mutual love.

Instead, he felt he was entitled to your support and love. Something that should always, always be given was instead taken.

And this is the kind of poisonous behaviour QF paints as proper and acceptable. Sigh.

Did he ever let you play again? Because from the top of the post, it doesn’t much sound like it.

*hugs*