What Angel really needed …

by Vyckie

Typical mom that I am, I can not stop myself from bragging about my kids ~ and right now, it’s Angel’s turn ‘cuz I’m really proud of how well she’s doing lately.

It has been almost two years ago that I drove to Nashville to bring Angel home ~ she had been committed to the psychiatric unit at Vanderbilt med. center after her third suicide attempt. I was seated in a conference room when a couple of nurses brought Angel in and told us the doctor would be in shortly. One look at my daughter and I was so afraid for her ~ there was a huge gash on her cheek where she had slammed her face against a metal window screen ~ and at first sight, she looked like she belonged in a mental institution ~ so I was scared for me too.

The psychiatrist entered the room and started explaining all the medications she was supposed to take for anxiety, hallucinations, etc. “Is it going to be safe for me to drive all the way back to Nebraska with her?” I was thinking not only of my own safety, but I also had Chassé and little Wesley along ~ what if she had a suicidal moment while I was driving and tried to jerk the steering wheel away from me and crash us into an oncoming truck or something?

The doctor told me that what Angel really needed was support from me, her mother. “Give her that,” he said, “and I think she’s going to be okay.” Support, huh? I knew it was true ~ but where to start? I admit that I was pretty freaked out ~ I never imagined that my daughter (my Angel) would be taking anti-psychotic drugs ~ I really wasn’t sure what to say or how to act around her.

On the drive home (which actually took 3 days because I stopped to visit my dad, Grandma and Uncle Ron), Warren kept calling several times a day ~ totally distressed. He was panicking at the thought of Angel coming home ~ he was sensing that I’d had it with his abusive ways ~ and I was no longer covering up and making excuses for him.

I told him about the conversation I was having with Angel in the car ~ how I admitted to her that, yes ~ Warren had been abusive ~ and it wasn’t all her over-reacting or being overly sensitive as I had often said in the past. Warren’s big concern was that Chassé would hear what I was telling Angel and then he would never get any respect from any of his children. I told him that his days of entitlement to respect and honor were over ~ if he wanted his kids to respect him it wasn’t going to happen because of me forcing them ~ he was going to have to EARN their respect.

So ~ that was the beginning of my “supporting” Angel ~ admitting to her that Warren was abusive. Within a couple of weeks of being home, Angel was relaxing and the doctors took her off all meds ~ stating that counseling and family support was what she really needed. Sadly, when Warren became absolutely impossible because he was losing his power and control over the family, I was so worn down that I just couldn’t take it ~ so I sent Angel to live with a homeschooling friend whom I knew would be very supportive of and encouraging to her.

Later, when Warren was staying at his sister’s house with the six younger kids (supposedly to give me a break) Angel filed an affidavit with the county sheriff alleging sexual abuse. When the sheriff asked me if I believed the things which Angel wrote in her statement, I said, “Yes ~ I believe her.” I could see the relief on Angel’s face ~ and from that point, she seemed able to make some progress in her own recovery.

But it wasn’t until I was ready to admit my own role in the abuse that my children were subjected to ~ stating clearly that *I was the one* who brought all these fanatical quiverful/patriarchal ideas into our home ~ that it seems Angel finally has the acknowledgment and validation she’s needed to really deal with her pain and inner conflict.

This past year, Angel has amazed me with the confidence and maturity she’s developed ~ rather than agonizing over the past, she now has the freedom to live in the present and plan for the future …

Recently, I had the privilege of attending Angel’s show choir post-tour performance at the community college which she attends. This is her second year in the music program and I’ve tried to attend her concerts whenever I can ~ and I’ve always thought she has a lot of talent. But this concert was different ~ Angel is different. She’s become so beautiful ~ and really good with her singing and dancing ~ all prejudice aside , I think Angel stole the show ~ she has “presence.”

The only way I can think to describe the difference is to say, “She’s no longer quivering.”

I don’t want to take all the credit for Angel’s transformation ~ she’s received a lot of support from her boyfriend, Aaron ~ she’s learned a lot in her college courses ~ she’s been influenced by several wonderful teachers ~ but, it does seem to me that once I was willing to own up to my part in her misery, she’s really felt a freedom to fully avail herself of all the opportunities life is holding out to her as an intelligent, talented young woman.

She has a new enthusiasm ~ something I feared had been killed in her forever. When that psychiatrist in Nashville prescribed “support” as the treatment for Angel’s mental and emotional condition ~ I think I am only now beginning to understand what he meant ~ and how right he was.

Discuss this post on the NLQ forums!