by PrincessJo and ‘Mum’
One Story, Two Perspectives
Vyckie has given my mother and I the privilege of sharing our story on No Longer Quivering. So firstly, thank you Vyckie.
Mum once wrote to me concerning our shared past that “There is one story but within that one story are two stories.”. My story is from a child’s perspective, growing up in a fundamentalist/quiverfull environment, whilst my mother’s is naturally that of a wife and mother’s: an adult whom chose that way of life. I hope somewhere in between our two versions of events that you can see a single story that both unites and yes, divides us at times. It is at heart, the story of a mother and daughter, their choices and the way those choices impacted their lives and the lives of those around them.
[Ed. note: Mum's writing is in italics.]
Jo & Mum – 11th October 2008
I too am thankful for this opportunity to share our story. Everyone has her or his own story to tell. Our story is just one of many. I count it a blessing to be able to take this journey with my daughter. As we reflect back on what happened my prayer is that lessons can be learned from what we as a family went through, so no other family will have to travel that road.
Many of you know my story from my blog and what I have posted both here and on the Free Jinger forums. I am quite honest in each about the abuse, problems and issues that I experienced growing up and the way they affect me today. You have heard of the way my family was destroyed from the inside out. But you have not heard my mother’s perspective and the often world’s apart way we view the same incidents. You are yet to hear the living, breathing, haunting way these incidents and beliefs impact our relationship to this day.
My story begins half a century ago when I was born. Like many children my childhood was far from a happy one at times. My Dad was an alcoholic and my Mum, younger sisters and I suffered near nightly emotional and verbal abuse. My Mum did all she could. Little did I know that the relationship my Mum had with my Dad would have an influence on me in later years. On my twenty-seventh birthday I finally met my future husband at the local disco. You often hear that you should listen to that ‘small voice’, well when I was opening my engagement presents, I wondered if was I marrying a “Dr Jekyll, Mr. Hyde”. As I had no reason to back this up I ignored that ‘uneasy feeling’. I would go into my marriage thinking if my Mum could put up with my Dad then no matter what was thrown at me I too could continue. Four years into our marriage with our third and last child on the way my husband and I committed our lives to Christ. I had been sent to Sunday School as a child, but at the time that was as far as I got. However, a couple that my husband met through his work would visit us every week and every question I had about God was answered. We commenced fellowshipping at a local Baptist Church. Not long after I was given some tapes to listen to by a friend: ‘You Can be the Wife of a Happy Husband’ by Darien Cooper. Sitting on our lounge in absolute awe I soon realised that this woman was describing me. I was that domineering, nagging wife! My husband sat with me listening to the tapes. He encouraged me to get the rest of the tapes, the book and start a group study, which I did. I remember standing at the clothesline one day asking God to forgive me and letting Him know that I wanted my husband to be the ‘head’ of our family. It was literally like a burden being lifted from my shoulders. My marriage had got off to a shaky start but now as I changed my husband also changed for the better. Life was good or so I thought!
Hindsight being of course the fantastic thing that it is, we can now look back and recognise that the feeling my mother had when she first met my father was absolutely correct. Sadly, and somewhat eerily, just as it was in her family, the husband & father would prove to be the abusive force in our family. But in our case, in our family, the abuse was more subtle, more hidden, but perhaps not surprisingly, would prove over the long term to be just as, if not more, destructive. My mother thought that by being the submissive, humble and long suffering wife, she would avoid recreating the abusive family of her past, and ensure that her children didn’t experience pain and trauma that she had. Little did she know that this policy would, in later years, create a no-win scenario in both her and her children’s lives.
I thought I was good enough to go to heaven. To come to the realization that I was actually born a sinner and that Christ who is God died and paid the penalty for my sin was quite an eye opener for me. Instead of living for self I now wanted to live for Christ. God had given me a wonderful husband (or so I thought) and three wonderful children (my blessings) I couldn’t ask for more. With God’s help I wanted to be the wife and mother He wanted me to be.
As my husband and I continued on our journey, there were changes at home (mostly instigated by me): the music we listened to, what we watched on TV, what we wore and whom we interacted with. Reading the Bible and praying together as a family became a daily habit. Then there was ‘Growing Kids God’s Way’ by the Ezzos; having not come from a Christian family I found this to be a very helpful aid.
I had the opportunity once to attend an Above Rubies Camp. I came away feeling ‘guilty’ as I learned more about ‘letting the Lord plan your family’. However, I eventually reasoned that if it were God’s plan for our family I would have learned about it before I had my hysterectomy, which I had to have for medical reasons.
Then there was homeschooling. My husband had on occasions asked if I would homeschool our children. My reply, “No, I was a registered nurse and midwife, not a teacher.” However by the time our eldest (Jo) was 5, I was personally convicted by God to commence homeschooling using Rod & Staff and some Abeka.
Homeschooling my three blessings through primary school was the most challenging but the most rewarding thing I have ever done. However, I am also so thankful that they went to High School. There were so many things they needed to learn that I couldn’t help them with. I might not have agreed with everything they were taught at school but in the end I believed it help better prepare them for the ‘real world’.
As parents we often try and give to our children what we as children feel we missed out on. I chose not to work but to stay home with my children because that is what I missed out on. That is spending time with my Mum because she had to work and later chose to work so we could have what she missed out on. There was no one to help me with my homework and how I struggled at school. I wanted to make sure that in every way I would always be there for my children. Unfortunately even with our best intentions we can still fail, as I would soon find out.
Around 1996 I was shocked to learn that my husband had inappropriately touched a family member when he had stayed with their family a number of years before, from a letter the then child’s mother had sent. As he explained it at the time, the incident happened before we were married and before he had committed his life to Christ. I reasoned that with God’s help that he would never do that sort of thing again. How naive I was! The letter he received from the child’s mother did not say what had happened, so I blindly believed what my husband told me. There was concern raised in the letter regarding our daughter’s welfare, but I wrongly believed all would be well. I filed the news away in the back of my mind and continued onwards with my husband.
How sad and frustrating does all of this appear now? Controlling your children to such a degree is asking for trouble: particularly when you have a very headstrong daughter. In fact, my mother used to call me the black sheep, because I was undeniably willful. Regardless, it still took me a long time to break out of the box of fundamentalist thinking. Mum always used to say that we had a choice to be a Christian, that if we didn’t, she would still love us, but… And I think the ‘but’ was what held me back from making that final decision to fully leave the church: I knew if I was to “choose my own path” the pressure to return and the the disapproval of my lifestyle choices (whatever they would be) would be immense. And so I threw myself into being the “christian”: reading the bible fanatically and passing judgement on any and all as I saw fit. After all, as I had been told for years (indeed, as I myself believed), I had all the answers in the bible.
Interestingly, my obsession with being a witnessing, born again, Christian got worse after I started public school: I would “share the word” with my classmates whether they wanted to hear it or not. My own little mission field. Looking back now of course, I just shake my head. How could I have taken on board certain elements of what was being taught at home when equally, so much of what was going on at home was just so wrong? But yet, at the same time, glimmers of my strong personality still shone strong enough to question the other, more sinister things and report my father.
My mother had not dealt with any aspect of sexual abuse herself, so this may go some way to explaining as to why she filed away the reports of the inappropriate behaviour, instead of dealing with them at the time. Does this excuse it? Absolutely not. In later years it was this knowledge, this awareness, of his past wrongs that was to be the most painful part of the unravelling of our family.
Jo trusting her Mum would protect her from her father (who took this photo) 15th May 1998
This is hard for me to write this part of our journey. It would be easier to file it away and pretend it didn’t happen. However it did happen and our story should be told.
They say, “Love is blind” but were my responses love or something else?
My desire to have that wonderful Christian marriage and family was severely challenged March 2003 when I had a very unexpected visit from the Police and Family Service. They were investigating our children’s welfare following certain allegations. They talked with Jo’s youngest brother M. who was at that time still being homeschooled (Grade 7) and I.
It was not until Jo returned home from school (Grade 10) that I found out what was really going on. She told me that a friend of hers had accused my husband of inappropriately touching her when she stayed with us in the mid 90’s. The Police and Family Service had interviewed Jo and her brother S. (Grade 9) at school after Jo had reported my husband inappropriately touching her also.
After talking with the young girl (now a young woman) and reflecting back to that ‘letter’ I thought it was possible that my husband had done what she was accusing him of. Unfortunately when my husband came from work later that night I wrongly and foolishly chose to believe his lie.
I didn’t sleep at all that night, my husband did. There were many thoughts that went through my head. One was facing the reality of my relationship with Jo. For her to seek help outside of our family, I had let her down. Unfortunately at the time I didn’t see how I would continue to do so.
I had always wanted Jo to have a closer relationship with her father than I did with mine. I had seen my husband “tickling” Jo at times like I had seen other fathers do with their children, however my husband was not like most other fathers. And there was an incident around 2001 that the supposedly innocent tickling session had gone to another level.
Jo was made to feel like the ‘guilty one’ for tearing the family apart and sadly apart from her friend she was literally by herself.
The next day my husband suggested a “no touch” policy between Jo and himself.
He rang Family Services a few times to try and talk to them. When he finally got through they were too busy to talk. They were to ring the next day but it never happened.
The following day my husband rang the police to talk to them. They were to see him the following week however again it never happened.
Six months would pass before Family Service returned to see my husband and I. They apologized for their delayed follow up and after talking with Jo they believed she was not being harmed so her case was closed.
But thankfully Jo’s friend did not give up. A month later she rang again. December we would learn that the police taped the phone call. I heard my husband apologize to her so when he came out of our bedroom I confronted him. He said one word to me, “Sorry.” It took a week for him to actually tell me that he had inappropriately touched her. I rang the ‘young woman’ to apologize to her for not believing what she had told me. I also apologized to Jo.
However my relationship with both of them understandably had been damaged. And my decision to continue with my husband would cause more heartache.
Following my insistence that my husband confess to our pastor he was sent to a Baptist Minister/Counselor. I accompanied my husband to show my support and to hold him accountable. My husband was given a sheet of paper that referred to God’s love and who we are in Christ. He was asked to make contact again in a few weeks time.
The night before Christmas Eve my husband rang me while the children and I were visiting my family. The police had picked him up from work. The young woman had pressed charges – 7 counts of indecent dealing with a child under 12. He was released on conditional bail until 10th February 2004.
Unbelievably, I would return to him with our children in tow.
My husband was ‘sorry’ for what he had done and appeared to be doing all the right things. I responded the way I had been taught by showing him Christ’s love and forgiveness.
However, what about our children?
Oh, so many mistakes made by organisations that ought to know better! The Baptist church referenced by my mother was not a break away branch of the more conventional Baptist movement: it was (and still remains) a leading church in a major regional city centre. Child Services (Department of Child Services: DOCS) is the state child protection department.
Ah yes, the ‘infamous’ tickling sessions: for my father, the temptation would prove too much nearly every time… He was expert at making the little indiscreet touches seem to be accidental: in hindsight, the truth is that he knew what he was doing. I never used to like saying “good night” to him (nor the tickling games that occurred along with that): it made me nervous, and vaguely uncomfortable. Once (as my mother referenced) he went too far, and I realised what he had been doing all along. But yet, it still took another year (and after my friend and I had swapped stories) to report him.
The time between reporting him and him ‘confessing’, was the most loneliest period in my short life. I was most afraid of being wrong. After all, my mother (and father) consistently denied it: to everyone! As a child facing their united front it was terrifying, frustrating and confusing. And I had virtually no outside support: I wasn’t encouraged to keep in contact with my friend (mildly putting it). And I was in no fit state to go looking for that outside support either.
I read recently (as part of my freedom of information documents) a letter my mother had sent to my school. It dismissed my claims as being that of a confused, rebelling teenager whom got it all out of a book. She was correct in a way: she did sum up my reactions at that time: but it was the result of the situation, not from the creation of it.
Religion naturally laid a whole new level of stress, manipulation and control to the situation. To start with, the church wasn’t supporting or protecting me, nor did it try to encourage my mother to leave my father (which, with hindsight, would have been in our best interests). It was protecting the real monster in all this: aiding and abetting him to continue the happy families facade, that was already beginning to crumble around the edges.
Looking back, I wish the church had helped to present another option to my mother. One of her many reasons for not leaving my father was her belief that marriage was a sacred covenant between her, my father and God and as such, she was with him for life: for better and worse: and that divorce wasn’t really an option. I recall that when her sister was divorced a number of years before, that she was extremely judgmental. I don’t believe she meant her words/attitude to be that way, it was just what my mother truly believed in.
But yet, my father was extremely good at playing people to get precisely what he wanted. Without a doubt he used my mother’s past, and her beliefs (and the church’s beliefs/practices as well) to his advantage: in order to keep the illusion of happy families together for as long as possible.
Over the next couple of years I would learn that my husband’s hidden life was made of many layers. Similar to an onion, one layer would come off then another. He himself had been molested as a child.
One of the ‘confession’ layers was that he had inappropriately touched a family member again but this time it was in the same bedroom as our Jo who was only 10 months old! Then I would learn that there was another incident before we were married when he had inappropriately touched another young girl after having had a relationship with her mother.
Implausibly even with all this being revealed I still believed that my role was to support and love my husband. I accompanied my husband to the Psychologist recommended by our solicitor. Unlike the Christian Counsellor he spoke not only to my husband but to me as well. He also saw Jo after I told him about the ‘incident’ between her and her father. The psychologist told my husband to continue with the no touch policy with Jo. He had not come across a case like this before; as he said, “He had to get his head around it all. It was unusual for someone to confess before being charged.”
At another visit I made sure that the psychologist knew about my husband’s inappropriate behaviour with his family relative and the other young girl. I asked the psychologist if my husband should tell the police. He answered, “No.”
I will never forget our last visit to the Psychologist. Nine months later after numerous ‘intensive’ counseling sessions, he shook my husband’s hand and told him he had learned a lot from their time together. He would assess my husband as “low risk” and recommend a Correctional Sentence of 4 weeks counseling. My husband’s response later; he thought that he didn’t even deserve that!
It would take five visits to court before my husband’s committal hearing could finally go ahead. There was enough evidence for trial possibly in 6-7 months (Feb/March 2005). It was on one of our trips to court that I was overwhelmed with appreciation and thanks for what Jo’s friend did. By her speaking out she showed her concern and care for Jo.
Jo’s friend had brought attention to my husband’s wrongdoing. However, I as Jo’s Mum would continue to believe that I was doing the right thing by staying with him. I deceived myself into thinking that I could protect my children, where as in reality I was keeping Jo and her brothers in harm’s way.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Tell me what a person believes and I’ll tell you what he’ll do.”
Here is part of a letter I wrote to the leadership of my Church regarding my relationship with my husband at the time…
“He who covers his sin will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them
will have mercy (find compassion).” Proverbs 28:13
“But if anyone has caused grief… Punishment which was inflicted by the majority is sufficient for such a man, so that on the contrary, you ought rather to forgive
and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one be swallowed up with too much sorrow.
Therefore I urge you to reaffirm your love to him.” 2 Corinthians 2:6-8
One way I can show G– I forgive and love him, is by trusting himagain. I can do this by giving him myself, thereby giving him my heart. “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:21
God does work all things together for our good and His glory, and Idon’t know how He will do this, but my trust and hope are in HIM.
Years later Jo would tell me that I put my husband before her and her brothers. At the time I didn’t see it that way nevertheless indeed I had and unfortunately in more ways than one!
My husband had a male friend who he had met at work a couple of years before. It all came to a head towards the end of 2004 when I shared with him how I struggled with his jealousy and possessiveness of my husband. A few weeks earlier I told my husband that I thought he used his friend. This friend however later pulled at my heartstrings by telling me that he would be spending Christmas alone. He was just going to give himself a present and a sandwich. Which led to us as a family (except for Jo who was away with other family members) sharing Christmas with him.
If only I could have ‘seen’ that in fact there was a reason why I was struggling with the relationship my husband and his friend had. Words are inexpressible as to how I feel at the moment.
My mother had been convinced, partially through her mother’s own example and also by what she thought the bible taught her, that staying with my father would “prove” her faith, strengthen her, and be in the best interests of her children. Ironically, later, her own mother told her that she should have left: a woman, whom herself had stayed (to the current day) in a now loveless relationship with her abusive husband of more than 50 years. History beginning to repeat itself perhaps?
I find it deeply disturbing that the psychologist rated my father as a ‘low risk’ reoffender: after all, this was a man whom had told him of abusing at least 4 girls: over a 30, 40 year period. It doesn’t take a genius (let alone a trained professional) to work out that he was not “low risk”. I am just thankful that he didn’t find a new victim before he was finally put away.
Did my father ever see what he was doing as wrong? No. I don’t think so. He was always sorry once caught, never before, after or during. A man without a conscious? Yes. His behaviour after being caught leads me to believe so. A master manipulator? Ah yes, absolutely: he played everyone: from his parents, to his church, to his friends, to his wife, to his victims. There was a complete and utter lack of any form of compassion for any of them. A true psychopath: with a convenient talent for portraying himself as the good guy.
As for my father’s friend? To be honest us kids liked him: mostly because of his generosity, admittedly, but still, we couldn’t see why Mum had such a problem with him! And also, I had so much stuff going on in my own head, that I was more focused on graduating and leaving home: any red flags went completely over my head.
In one of our conversations Jo would later let me know she would never forgive her husband if he committed adultery.
Jo commenced her last year at high school (Grade 12), her brother S. Grade 11 (this was to be his last year also) and brother M. Grade 9.
Jo decided that she no longer wanted to attend church weekly, instead preferring to stay home and work on her school assignments and do other things. It didn’t help being the only teenager in attendance apart from her brothers. And as I was going through my own personal struggles with the church at the time, I didn’t really object.
It was January when I awoke around midnight unable to go back to sleep, so did a Bible Study lesson until around 3.30am. I felt like I was being prepared for the next part of the journey as I learned more about compassion, forgiveness and trials. I wasn’t wrong. Our solicitor rang in the afternoon, my husband’s next court hearing – 16th February. There were now 8 charges instead of the 7. The 8th charge being that it happened on a continual basis from 1993 to 1997.
On the day of the court hearing, my husband’s friend arrived at our place at 4.50am. Was there some confusion regarding the starting time? We later met him at the Court (around 9am) after we called in to see my husband’s parents so they could say their good byes in case he wasn’t coming home. My husband’s friend surprised me when he talked to our solicitor by himself. When I asked him what it was all about, he told me that he had inquired about asking for “clemency” for my husband (re. his aging parents). I told him that I didn’t think that was the right thing to do. It was about trusting in God. Having the right heart attitude. That even with the extra charge it was not about defending self but seeking God’s wisdom as to how best handle the situation without revengefully hurting the young woman any further. It wasn’t about how many times it happened, it should never have happened at all! I for one did not want to see the young woman be put on the stand: hadn’t she been through enough already?
Around 1 p.m. we met the Barrister and were told that the case would not be going ahead due to the “conflict of evidence”. From going with 7 counts, our solicitor now wanted to go with my husband’s confession of the “two” incidents. The next ‘Mentioning’ now the 23rd March, with possible sentencing in April.
It was with mixed feelings I left the courthouse. I had prepared for my husband’s sentencing today and I was saddened that there was still no “closure” yet. However I believed God was still in control and the final outcome would happen in His time and in His way!
My journey with my husband was not an easy one at times as he continued to put himself first.
A couple of months later, my husband asked me, “How long does it take for life to turn from being negative to positive after repentance?” I discussed the following with him…
“For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls.
My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; For whom the Lord loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives.
Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterwards it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:3,5,6,11
When the human judge finally brings down that hammer, he is a vessel that God is using.
We are by birth sinners and deserve the punishment God sees fit, temporary being far better than eternal. “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working in us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.” 2 Corinthians 4:17
So often our sins are not easily seen by the world and it is often those sins we do not address the way God wants us to. For my husband, his sin being exposed to the world had given him the opportunity to see more clearly and respond accordingly, for which we should be “eternally” grateful.
A few weeks later both Jo and her brother S. had some excitement when two of the food pantry shelves suddenly collapsed with food items going everywhere. While my husband was fixing the pantry shelves, I commented,” I will miss your help, when you are not here.” He responded, “Well it is not my fault. I have done all I can. It’s —- (referring to Jo’s friend) she is the one who can’t forgive.” I quickly pulled him up; my husband apologized (as he does) to Jo and I.
A few days later he asked me, “Why would God allow me to go to jail and put me in a situation where I will be tempted because I do not have you?”
I encouraged him to get his focus back on Christ and His Word so he wouldn’t sink in the stormy sea of doubt and despair.
“Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:34
A week later,” Why would —- say that she didn’t want me to go to jail but is still continuing with the charges? Why would she lie?”
I reminded him that in March 2003 when HE could have told the truth, but didn’t, HE decided the path we would be travelling on.
As I write this today I am so thankful that Jo suggested that we take this journey together. I have shared our story from my perspective before, however this is the first time I have truly gained insight into our story from Jo’s perspective. It has also allowed me to continue to examine the relationship I did have with my husband.
Fashion has always been a sore point with my mother and I. Way back, when I was homeschooled, it wasn’t an issue: I loved the modest clothes which (I thought) looked like they harked back to the Laura Ingalls era (a favourite book series of mine). But once I hit school, and realised how backwards I was it was a different matter! I yearned for the pretty, modern clothes: tight shirts, short skirts, and above all, high, high heels (heels, higher the better, are a long time love affair of mine: I now have have dozens of pairs). I also knew I had an attractive figure: I ‘developed’ relatively early and quickly, so by that time I was somewhat comfortable in my own body, and I wanted to show it off. 
. But for my poor mother it was all a little much and didn’t align with her beliefs on modest dressing: she still thought it was up to the woman to keep the man from being ‘tempted’! To this day we still have many arguments about women’s dress: and how much of a responsibility lies with the female vs. the male.
And yes, my husband is very conscious of my opinions on affairs/child abuse. He is also understands and is well aware that he would be unceremoniously kicked out on his butt if he was to do any of those things: particularly child abuse. It is both my greatest fear and biggest hurdle in my marriage that I have picked a man like my father, regardless of how much the evidence (and the logical side of my mind) tells me otherwise. Thankfully my husband is more than understanding and supportive of me in my journey to find peace and calm in a life that for the most part has been anything but.
My father often made comments about how unfair it all was: not realising or recognising that the people that really got an unfair deal in all this were his victims: some of whom, to this day, have not had the opportunity to tell their stories, nor receive any closure. The system chose to forget them, and to this day, it is to them and for them I feel both the greatest debt and the greatest sorrow.
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