Posts from — September 2009

by Erika

My sister and I in the winter of 1991-1992, the year we started homeschooling

It wasn’t long before my parents got really frustrated with the church in town and wanted something different. My father told the pastor that we would be going down to the church in Bellows Falls (run by John Thompson) but would still come to services here and there at the church in town. The pastor felt frustrated at the time, too, so he gave my parents his blessing to attend this other church.

I remember when the people at church found out that we wouldn’t be attending regularly there anymore. Many were upset and felt offended. Quite a few voiced accusations that my parents only stayed long enough for everyone to help support my missions trip to Africa and then chose to leave. This was entirely untrue and my parents were afraid that this might have been the case with some people’s thinking, but there really wasn’t anything they could say or do to have those people believe otherwise. Many felt hurt and confused by the very open and public stance that my parents took with the church.

As a teenager, I loved the church we were part of and it crushed me to leave. It felt like family there. In my mind, you didn’t just walk away from family, you worked through things. The only thing that I understood from all of this was that my parents were slowly changing over to a strict, conservative mindset and the church didn’t fit within that mindset. Since the church wasn’t going to change for my parents, they decided to change churches to something that fit within their mindset. Or was it that my parents were changing to fit into someone else’s mindset? In any case, the changes were all becoming to be too much for a 14 year old to handle. Especially one that had only entered puberty the year before.

All in the course of 4 months, I had been told that I wasn’t going back to the public school for my sophomore year, I was told that I was going to be homeschooled, I went on a 2 month missions trip where I tasted independence and freedom, I was told that we were changing churches…..

But the changes that happened in those 4 months were only the beginning. [Read more →]

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The liberated feminist women at the Salvation Army couldn’t be troubled to produce their own kids ~ instead, they thought it appropriate to steal mine ~ Lieutentants A & B seemed determined to capture my children’s hearts and turn them away from our godly family values.

Lt. B, the “youth pastor,” had decided that it simply wasn’t right that Angel was only allowed minimal participation in the youth activities.  She seemed suspicious that Angel was being used and abused ~ and she was determined to find out just exactly what Angel was really thinking and feeling.  Lt. B looked for opportunities to catch Angel alone and asked her the most prying questions about our home life.  

This was intolerable for several reasons.  First and foremost, we looked upon this woman’s “concern” as a violation of our family integrity ~ she had no business, in our opinion ~ going around our legitimate parental authority ~ planting seeds of doubt and discontent in Angel’s mind.

Secondly, the Lieutenant’s scrutiny of our family practices made Warren feel threatened and defensive ~ and I don’t have to tell you about the hell we had to pay whenever Warren’s self-protection trip was triggered.  Oh ~ the lectures we were subjected to as he sought to convince himself and us that we were okay ~ our ways were God’s ways and therefore, the very best ways. 

What bothered me the most about Lt. B’s private conversations with Angel was the change in my daughter’s attitude ~ she was listening to this woman and being influenced to consider whether she truly was happy or if this was really the sort of life which she desired.  Relations between Angel and her dad were already strained enough ~ without any “help” from Lt. B.  So when Angel began to speak up for her own ideas ~ my job as mediator between her and Warren became all the harder.  Ack.

I just didn’t have the energy for this sort of trouble ~ and fortunately, I didn’t have to deal with Lt. B for very long as Warren had discovered a home fellowship out in the country ~ about 40 miles from where we live.  A long drive, yes ~ but it would be totally worth the trouble to finally be a part of a home church where our family’s values and goals were shared, affirmed and supported ~ not only by the adults, but all the children were being raised according to the same biblical principles ~ so hopefully, Angel and her siblings would be encouraged to embrace these convictions too. [Read more →]

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by Tapati

Chicago, Illinois

Cold late night so long ago
When I was not so strong you know
A pretty man came to me
Never seen eyes so blue
I could not run away
It seemed we’d seen each other in a dream
It seemed like he knew me
He looked right through me

–Heart

Previously I described how I left the Chicago Hare Krishna temple. I was headed for my friend Suprabha’s apartment. I had her phone number and address written down, and knew which El stop to look for. When I got off the El I called Suprabha and she gave me directions to her dad’s home. She’d told me that he traveled a lot and wouldn’t be around.

Suprabha greeted me warmly and we talked and cooked together and generally enjoyed hanging out. There was a George Harrison special on the radio, with interviews and music, and we taped it. I was given my own room in the large apartment and for the next several days I settled in to life in Chicago. Suprabha took me to visit a counselor at her college who gave me job referrals for child care. I met a couple of parents who were friends and was well on my way to getting a live-in job with a very nice Jewish couple. They invited me to dinner and were so respectful of my beliefs that they offered to leave the room while I offered my food—what a change from my family!

One day Suprabha told me a friend was coming over. It turned out to be Bhakta Mike, the new guy from the temple. It was a little awkward socializing with him since just a few days before I wasn’t supposed to give him the time of day. He seemed a bit shy too, though he and Suprabha got along well and had been spending time together. I wasn’t quite sure what their relationship was—were they a couple or just friends or something in between? It seemed rude to ask. We spent a few hours together and I enjoyed myself. Bhakta Mike had a good sense of humor and he seemed so nice after the cold and distant brahmacaris at the temple. We had fun listening to karmi music, something we couldn’t do at the temple. The three of us were dipping our toes into the pool of maya, trying to find some comfortable balance between devotee and karmi life. We didn’t want to get in too deep—but we weren’t ready to fully commit to the temple either.

[Read more →]

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One Act (Full Length) * 81 pg * 3F / 1M

The Christian patriarchy movement stresses the differences between the sexes, insisting upon woman’s role as “helpmeet” for her man in an attempt to model lives after those of the Old Testament patriarchs.  When Faith, a devoutly submissive mother of seven, is drawn deeper into the militant pro-life movement by her pastor, she comes to question not just her adoption of the so-called “Quiverfull” lifestyle but her very belief in, and understanding of, God.

Based in part on the story of Vyckie Garrison (NoLongerQivering.com), QUIVER is the new play from award-winning playwright Kevin Anthony Kautzman that explores how beliefs shape our communities and the Quiverfull lifestyle’s impact on one woman’s life.

Please direct inquiries to the playwright through www.kevinkautzman.com.

*Note from Vyckie ~ I just read the script for Kevin’s play “Quiver” for the first time ~ and was so profoundly affected that I couldn’t help crying big sobs of appreciation and gratitude for the sensitivity with which Kevin presents my Quiverfull predicament and its resolution.  WOW ~ I’m just stunned.  Can’t wait until the official unveiling of this dramatic retelling of my No Longer Quivering story.

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by Vyckie

Over on the NLQ forums, SargassoSea wrote:

I think it’s great that you are incorporating a little bit of advertising – the ugly truth is that you need to make some money and that’s one way of doing it  :-/ 

That said – I really wish that more people would sponsor you/the cause because $5 or $10 from here & there really adds up!

I mean, shit, our family has managed to pull together $25 a month because we decided this is more important than some crappy cardboard delivery pizza – we’re putting our money where our (no-longer-eating-crappy-pizza) mouths are and I would hope that other NLQers would too.

(Or maybe you’re just rollin’ in it, Vyckie, and I’m making a jackass out of myself  )

My response:

Thank you so much for your support, Sea!

Truthfully, keeping the website and forums going is a regular job for me ~ so your sponsorship is definitely needed and appreciated.

It is true that in the process of sharing my NLQ story, I am laying the ground work for the book which I am working on and that (potentially) will lead to income ~ but in the meantime, we do need to eat and pay the bills. Thus ~ the ads.

Of course, sponsorships and one-time donations are direct support which eliminates the middleman ~ but, the ads will help too as most of them are pay-per-click which is profitable even if the click does not lead to a sale.

All that being said ~ please do consider joining SargassoSea’s no-longer-eating-crappy-pizza club ~ she’s right, $5 or $10 from here & there really does add up and that’s how we’ll keep the No Longer Quivering site up and running.

To send $5 monthly:

To send $10 monthly:

To send $20 monthly:

Thanks so much.

Vyckie

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I will admit that it was a bit of an adjustment returning home after the two-week stay at the hospital when Chassé had her first surgery.  When a friend expressed sympathy for what must have seemed like a stressful ordeal, I responded, only half kiddingly that, “Actually, being at that children’s hospital was kind of like taking a mini-vacation to KiddieLand.”  While Chassé recovered from her surgery, I had plenty of time to read, take naps, watch TV, and just think ~ it was relaxing, which was refreshing since I rarely had any time to myself at home.
 
It was distressing to me to discover that I really was not anxious to get home to Warren where, rather than calling me on the phone several times a day with whatever issue he was stressing over with Angel ~ he had 24/7 access to me and so he was constantly coming to me with one problem or another.  Of course, I felt bad for Angel that she’d had to put up with her dad’s pettiness for two weeks without me there to run interference ~ still, a selfish little part of me enjoyed taking a break from the dailiness of the contention between my husband and my daughter.
 
I hated that selfish little part of me because it meant that, as much as I wanted to think of myself as having a wholehearted dedication to the Lord, it was apparent that I’d reserved a tiny speck of self interest ~ there was a piece of me that wanted to put myself first ~ even though it meant that my daughter had to suffer more than the usual amount of vexation from Warren.  

Truthfully, I didn’t want to go back to dealing with Warren’s crazy-making contentions at all.  Having a bit of a respite made me realize just how tired I was ~ made me wish I’d had a chance to recuperate from my torturous 4th pregnancy ~ but, it was too late because now I was pregnant again. [Read more →]

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With Promises of Protection, Security and Ultimate Victory, Peddlers of “Family Values” Manufactured a Culture War, and Capitalized on Our Fears

Please note: This post has been modified to clarify the point I want to make which is this:

I have no problem with making a buck ~ earning an honest living. In fact, that’s exactly what I’ve got in mind in running the NLQ website, writing a book, etc. ~ I do not apologize for these efforts to support myself and my children.

What makes me sick is that the “need” which the Quiverfull philosophy and lifestyle are being marketed to fill is manufactured and exaggerated in order to sell the product.

A friend recently put it this way: It’s like buying insurance to protect you from the boogeyman under the bed.

Exactly.

Selling books and materials which address an ACTUAL need is one thing ~ but creating fear and then capitalizing on those fears is better suited for the Mafia than for Christian entrepreneurs.

by Vyckie

I’ve had a sick feeling in my stomach lately.  It’s the feeling that comes along with a growing realization that the Quiverfull worldview and lifestyle which I felt that I had carefully considered and thoughtfully adopted is, in actuality, a product called “biblical family values” which is being aggressively marketed as an investment to safeguard our loved ones from becoming collateral damage in today’s war against the family.

That’s right ~ Quiverfull is a product and we bought it big-time.

What got me started thinking this way is a bit of information which I came across recently while doing market research for my book proposal (which, btw ~ is shaping up rather nicely ~ I’m feeling pretty good about what I have so far):

Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl currently has an Amazon sales rank of 1,891 in books ~ that’s up from a rank of 4,120 at the end of August (‘09 ~ less than a month ago).

I should have figured this out much sooner

Seems that I should have been immune to the marketing strategies of those who ruthlessly engender fear and dissatisfaction so they can offer their products as the remedy for the very malady which they themselves created.  After all, one of the first “family values” books I read is All The Way Home: Power for Your Family to be Its Best ~ in which author, Mary Pride explains that happy, well-adjusted families are not very profitable.  In order to sell self-help books, couple’s retreats, therapy sessions, etc. ~ husbands and wives (mainly wives) need to be convinced that something’s wrong ~ something’s missing ~ they need help!

Exactly.  That’s why we didn’t watch television, read popular magazines or otherwise expose ourselves to the endless barrage of advertisements calculated to instill feelings of discontent in our hearts ~ sure saved ourselves a lot of money that way. [Read more →]

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by Vyckie

“Angel is a very sweet, godly young woman. she has prayerfully come to the decision to stay at home and help with the business, homeschool, housework, etc. for as long as the Lord is leading her. Angel, Warren, and I all believe that the Lord has given our family as her ministry and that she is serving Him by serving at home….”

Shortly before Angel graduated from home school, I wrote the following letter to Skeet Savage (Wisdom’s Gate) which she published in the Fall 2003 edition of An Encouraging Word magazine:

Daughters At Home “Doing Nothing”

I’m feeling incredibly exasperated lately due to the constant “peer pressure” regarding our oldest daughter who will be 18 in November.

Because Angel is “graduating” this year we are constantly being asked, “What are her plans?”  Well, she’s still praying about the long-term but, for now, she’s committed to staying at home and helping with our family business and homeschooling the younger ones.

No, this is not her first choice of what she’d like to do ~ she’d like to go to Ben Speer’s singing school in Tennessee, or maybe attend BJU, or get a job outside the home so she’d have more spending money, or a thousand other possibilities!  BUT, after prayerful consideration Angel feels that for now she has an obligation to help her family. [Read more →]

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by Tapati

Srimati Kishori, a vision of Radharani, Krishna’s consort, during Her teen years, at the Chicago temple.

Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue.
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me. –E.Y. Harburg, Wizard of Oz

Once again I was on my way to St. Louis, grateful to be leaving my mother behind. I no longer considered whether or not I loved her; I just knew I had to get away.

When I arrived at the bus station I was greeted by some male devotees in the polite, formal way that was common in ISKCON temples. We were not allowed to make conversation but rather had to keep to the essential communication needed to complete our service. I had a quiet car ride to the temple, punctuated by the sound of japa, chanting the names of Krishna on our rosaries.

I had a meeting with Makanlal, our temple president, who told me that because there would soon be no women left in the temple, temporarily, I would be sent to Chicago to be with my godsisters Keli Chanchala and Atmarama, who were already there. Tilak, Makanlal’s wife, was going with him to India on pilgrimage. I would leave the next day by train, and stay for three or four months.

I was directed to the new women’s ashram, which was the room the men had formerly lived in. In the ashram I found Jagan Murti, who would be returning to the farm which supplied food for the St. Louis devotees. Later Ramakeli dasi and her sankirtan group arrived. They were visiting from Denver and doing sankirtan in various cities. (Sankirtan in this context means distributing books for money, rather than singing and dancing for Krishna on the street.) [Read more →]

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A group of NLQ forum members are working together to create an organization to help other women out of spiritually abusive situations.

By becoming a charity, we will be able to take donations to help women and girls who wish to leave patriarchal religious groups, and provide them with understanding and safe harbor.

We will also be able to develop a network of health and legal professionals and educate them in the particulars of the QF/P philosophy and lifestyle, thus enabling them to help these women through the difficulties of leaving and establishing a new life.

While donations are welcome, at the moment we are not ready to accept money.  Instead, we need help organizing.  We are looking for people with any of the following skills:

• Accounting
• Bookkeeping
• Nonprofit managing or directing
• Divorce and custody litigation
• Psychological counseling and therapy (both child and adult)

If you have any of these skills, or know someone who does, and would be willing to volunteer with us, please contact Vyckie @ No Longer Quivering.

Thank you for your support and help!

For more information and discussion, check out the NLQ forum.

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