Chassé and me in Minneapolis back in April. Ugh ~ I was tired back then too ~ looked like I was about to cry. 
by Vyckie
The freakiest thing has been happening to me lately: I’m having sensory hallucinations. Weird smells that get stuck in my nose and mouth for days. The first time it happened was last summer ~ for several days, all I could smell was cinnamon. I tasted it too.
The cinnamon smell eventually went away ~ but since then, I’ve had the same thing happen with the smell of bleach, Listerine, oregano, dish soap, cat litter ~ it’s always a strong, distinct odor which completely overwhelms my sense of smell and taste.
For over a week now, all I can smell is fresh pencil shavings. Our lilacs are in bloom ~ and even when I stick a bunch of blossoms right under my nose and take a deep breath ~ all I smell is lead and sawdust. I usually chew Winterfresh gum ~ and lately, I can only taste the mint flavor for about a minute ~ and then the gum tastes like lead.
Yuck. It is very distracting.
When I mentioned this to my counselor, Deb, last week ~ she suggested that the olfactory hallucination might be PTSD-related: a traumatic memory trying to surface ~ something associated with the smell of sharpening a pencil. Deb has been using EMDR therapy on me to help with the PTSD ~ but she thinks (and I agree), that this would not be a good time to try bringing up the memory to reprocess since it could lead to even more anxiety than I’m already dealing with.
I’ve been having almost non-stop anxiety and frequent panic attacks for a couple of months now. I’m pretty sure the anxiety is mostly a physiological thing ~ pain and exhaustion lead to the panicky feelings ~ and then my mind tries to come up with an explanation for why I’m feeling so terrified. That’s when the racing thoughts come in ~ and since the stuff that goes through my head at those times is so disturbing ~ I will do anything to escape my thoughts.
Last week when I got to my counseling appointment ~ my heart was pounding, I felt dizzy and disoriented, my ears were hot, and that pencil shaving smell was making me nuts! Deb suggested that we try a deep relaxation exercise. She put on a CD of soothing music, had me relax on the couch, and then slowly, calmly talked me through the relaxation of all my muscles from head to toe.
Throughout the exercise, Deb told me to breathe in deeply, hold it, then let it out while telling myself to “let go and relax.” At first, every time I took a breath, all I could think of was that damned pencil shaving smell ~ but about midway through ~ when I was tensing and then relaxing the muscles in my hands, I took a deep breath ~ and noticed that I was breathing fresh air. The smell was gone! Cool.
After we were finished ~ instead of being distracted by the smell of pencil shavings, I was amazed by the fact that I couldn’t smell it anymore. Later that evening, I caught the smell coming back off and on ~ but for the most part, it was gone for about a day and a half. Since then, the pencil shaving smell has been in my head pretty much constantly ~ it’s just a symptom of the anxiety, I guess.
Today, the hallucination spread to my sense of touch. My hands feel like I’ve been rubbing them in pencil shavings ~ dry and dusty and dirty. Even right after I wash my hands ~ the filthy feeling is still there. Ugh ~ it’s driving me crazy.
Either that, or it is a sign that I have already gone crazy.
I have not been making much progress on my list ~ although, for the most part, the kids and I are keeping up with regular stuff such as meals and cleaning. I was relieved to think that I’d be getting a helper to come in each day right after school to help me keep focused on directing the kids to do their homework and chores before going off to play with their friends. As it is ~ no matter how much I try to prepare myself for the onslaught ~ when they all walk in the door after school and start handing me papers, showing me their assignments, asking for money for this and a signature for that, wanting help with a project, etc ~ my brain freezes up and the next thing I know ~ it’s time for bed.
Seriously ~ it’s like I turn into Zombie Mom for several hours ~ and the kids know it and they take advantage of it by going off to their friends’ houses or getting on the computer or watching TV. Around 8 p.m., I realize that it’s almost bedtime and nothing has been done. So then it’s a scramble: Wesley, do you have homework to do? Whose night is it to wash dishes? Does anyone remember if we had dinner? Yikes!
Deb and I came up with a plan for keeping the kids on track right after school in order to avoid the evening panic ~ but the application for a helper was denied by Medicaid ~ too bad, huh? Of course, the news did not help me to “let go and relax” ~ but, I’m trying to make the best of it by explaining to the kids that they’re going to have to be my helpers. For the most part, they are helpful ~ but they are also children ~ and not Quiverfull precious lambs ~ so depending on them to take over and fill in for me when I’m incapacitated due to the various head trips that I’ve been having lately is not a sure bet.
In my quivering days, when I couldn’t function during my pregnancies, or when I needed to be in Minneapolis for the girls’ medical check-ups and surgeries ~ I could rely on Angel to take over ~ and she was as good as having a full-grown adult in charge. I didn’t need to worry that anyone would get neglected or the house would be in shambles or someone might decide to play with matches in my absence.
Chassé has been helping out considerably ~ but it’s not the same. She has not been trained to be an indentured servant ~ and even if she was capable and willing ~ I no longer believe that it is fair (yes ~ I do believe in trying to be “fair” these days) to expect my 17-year-old to put her life on hold while I struggle through this episode of low blood pressure-induced anxiety.
So ~ what to do? Truthfully, I’m not really sure.
Hazelle had a “Life Skills” demonstration at school today which she wanted me to attend. After taking Chassé to her G.E.D. class, I made a quick trip to the counseling office before going to the middle school to see Hazelle. I wanted to pick up a copy of the relaxation exercise from Deb so that John could read it to me in the evenings. (I told John that he gets to be my anti-anxiety drug ~ he says it’s fine with him if I use him that way ~ LOL)
When I got to the office, I picked up the paper and then asked if Deb had a few minutes ~ she did. “I just need to have a quick breakdown before I go to Hazelle’s thing,” I told her ~ and then started sobbing uncontrollably. When I insisted that I am obviously freaking out and going crazy, Deb assured me that I am not going crazy ~ I am sane and safe ~ and I am going to get through this.
I did get through Hazelle’s demonstration ~ by the time I drove from the counselling office to the school, I was not feeling quite so weepy ~ I dried my eyes, took a deep breath ~ and joined the other parents as the kids showed us all the various life skills they have been learning this semester.
Afterwards, I picked up Chassé from class, came home, took an anti-anxiety pill and went to bed ~ leaving Chassé to deal with the after-school chaos. She handled everything pretty well ~ at least, there was no screaming and I was able to take a nap. Yesterday at the grocery store, I bought some special treats (Popsicles and cookies) which I told her she could use as bribes to get her younger siblings to cooperate. I know ~ it’s a terrible way to raise kids ~ but it’s not intended to be a permanent solution ~ just a little helpful trick to get us by until I’m feeling better or can get a grown-up helper with more authority in her voice than Chassé has ~ LOL
Yikes ~ it’s almost midnight. The nap was helpful ~ and afterwards, I went over to John’s to do the relaxation thing (his voice is as soothing as Deb’s ~ the pencil shaving smell is gone again) ~ so I am feeling better ~ but I’m not going to push my luck by staying up super late. Tomorrow’s another day ~ hopefully, I’ll be more calm and can think to actually get a few things accomplished.
Night All. Thanks for your help, Chassé ~ love you. ♥ ♥
Discuss this post on the NLQ forums!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NLQ Recommends ...
'Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment' by Janet Heimlich
‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland
‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce
Michelle says, Never enough babies!
