Roberts Liardon makes this point in Breaking Controlling Powers-
“It never fails; in every church there are members who think everyone should obey them because they have been there the longest or because they are the most spiritual. Either such people will seek to dominated the leadership in every decision made or they will give their advice on every personal circumstance among the members.”

Forgiveness does not mean you have to forget or you have to stay silent.

I have a blog about my own cult experience and I hear current and ex-cult members and even members of other cults tell me to forgive and forget. Honestly, I want to make sure I can warn people about what they will really get into. And like you, I also found that people have supported and validated my experiences at the cult.

It was all a bad dream. A very bad dream. And the pain still lingers.

This particular cult made us devalue our emotions and suppress any emotion besides blind happiness and bliss. Anger was not allowed. Forgiveness always included silence. In fact, whenever our leaders said they “forgive” someone, it usually meant no one was to speak about that person ever again.

Again, I neither want to forgive my cult nor do I want revenge for all the things they did to me, my wife and all the people I care about. But for as long as they keep doing their practices of exploitation, personal degradation and all-out greed, I will warn as many people about them as I can.

But I am also a liberal feminist who is concerned about the growth of extremist Christian fundamentalism. We live at a time when American women are enjoying the greatest freedom than at any other time in this country’s history. A young girl can grow up and be just about anything she wants to be. And yet, women in growing numbers are embracing a life more akin to 17th century Puritanism? This is very disturbing to me. Even more disturbing is the way the lifestyle is romanticized by shows like “19 kids,” which is what led me here. I am frightened by the aggressive spread of Christian dominionism across the country, as well as the growing political power and influence of its followers.

I read this blog to better understand how this can happen to people. Many of the women are amazingly intelligent and thoughtful, and I am often shocked, fascinated and saddened by how they were sucked into QF. I am especially saddened by the stories of children, who have no choice in the matter, raised in these stifling, often abusive homes. I read NLQ to understand how I can protect my own children from being seduced by an extremist religion. Or how I can help someone who might be involved in a cult and wants to leave. I read to learn about something with which I have no personal experience but that is very real and for many, is a life only a few steps away from where they stand. (I live in an extremely conservative community where you can’t swing a cat without hitting an independent Baptist church or fundamentalist Christian inviting you or your children to their church.)

You provide a wonderful service with this site, Vyckie. You seem so much more patient and gracious than I am, so I know you wouldn’t do this. But if I were you, here’s what I’d tell anyone who tried to discourage me in any way from tell my story or the story of others abused: Go f*** yourself.

“Don’t talk about it,” is part of the language of dysfunction. The language that enables abuse by sweeping it under the carpet. “Don’t talk about it,” is part of the impulse of denial that keeps those in dysfunction from ever getting free.

Talking about it is, as Vyckie said, a necessary part of the healing process, and more. One of the best ways to move past pain is to find meaning in it. For many, many people, that meaning is found in becoming part of something that fights back, that helps prevent their particular pain from being experienced by others. If Mothers Against Drunk Driving had “just moved on,” there would be a lot more dead kids– and a lot more unhealed, grieving moms– than there are.

Forgiveness just means you choose not to seek repayment for what was done to you. Speaking about what was done is a necessary part of warning others, as you stated. I am glad the people writing about their stories are doing it. Not only does it serve as a warning, it validates for me some of my own experiences (though not as severe as what the women who wrote here went through). My depression wasn’t my imagination. My misery wasn’t just a “bad attitude”. The environment was was in *was* bad for me. I am grateful for that confirmation.

I wrote a story on forgiveness on my blog recently, I guess you writing this just encapsulated this whole struggle for me. I get accused of not moving on. People think that I am miserable, but that’s simply not the case.

And for every person, just like you said, that tells me to move on, sister! I get pounded with more emails and supporters who tell me to keep on, keepin’ on.

So thank you. I am so glad that God put me in your path~ you have been such a source of encouragement and support to me.