Comments on: Steadfast Daughters in a Quivering World ~ Part 2: Expectations

By: Charis

Charis — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 15:25:27 +0000

As a QF mother, I really appreciate this Sierra! That my embracing certain doctrines wound up hurting my children breaks my heart. Like you, they have processed through the anger and hurt and have been able to put that behind them and forgive me.

By: Charis

Charis — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 15:07:44 +0000

Brilliant insights about what I would call “reaping what we sow”!

Keeping them “safely protected” at home doesn’t work because adult “Arrows” are meant to be launched!

Your mention of enmeshment reminds me of a blog I read recently which your readers might enjoy: http://everyoneneedstherapy.blogspot.com/2008/10/pull-versus-draw-enmeshment.html

By: Didi

Didi — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 14:25:02 +0000

I don’t know what other word would say it better Laurie… maybe blame strikes chords on here that are not intended… I just mean parents did X – it was wrong, hurtful, abusive, demeaning, whatever the words or emotions or ways of describing it you use – isn’t that blaming them?

I felt Hillary was INCREDIBLY gracious and kind towards her family – and I have defended the book everytime this comes up – I am not saying it is WRONG to lay some blame at the feet of the parents. I am saying I think it is impossible not to.

There is a gracious, kind, and right way to say “Hey, my parents really messed up in these ways”

By: Vyckie D. Garrison

Vyckie D. Garrison — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 17:14:46 +0000

Sierra ~ in order to make it clear that I am not referring to Hillary and her Quivering Daughters book and website, I have added a caveat to the end of this piece. I hope this is helpful.

By: africaturtle

africaturtle — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 17:03:24 +0000

this is enriching ( for me) to see it from both of your perspectives… both make sense…if that makes any sense!

By: africaturtle

africaturtle — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 17:00:59 +0000

this is a good insight, thanks for sharing!

By: Vyckie D. Garrison

Vyckie D. Garrison — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 16:54:47 +0000

Sierra ~ many of us ex-QF mothers who are working on this series are experiencing an extreme backlash from our children ~ and that is sure to come out in this series, though for the most part we are trying to deal with the general themes of SD in response to Hillary’s book and website. It’s a touchy topic with plenty of potential landmines ~ but we are going to do our best to set an example of responding to the pain and turmoil of SDs in a healthy, healing manner.

One theme which permeates the SD website is this defensiveness ~ these mothers feel accused and attacked ~ despite the obvious great pains which Hillary takes in her book to respond graciously and “speak the truth in love” ~ the defensiveness on the SD site is so thick and heavy that it really must be addressed.

For those of us who have left the mindset and the lifestyle ~ we are not shocked or terribly dismayed when our chidren are angry or accusatory (again, Sierra ~ I am not stating that you, Hillary, Razing Ruth and those QDs who are sharing their stories here on NLQ are angry and accusatory) ~ it seems to us a natural outcome of having positioned ourselves in an almost God-like position in our children’s lives for all those years. So ~ what we are saying to Stacey and the other writers at SD is, Why are you so surprised?

Please bear with me as we’re still fairly early in this series ~ hopefully, we can provide more clarity on this as we go along.

By: Laurie

Laurie — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 13:08:09 +0000

Didi, perhaps you blame your parents but I didn’t get that from the book at all. When Jesus hung on the cross He said “Father forgive them; they know not what they do.” That wasn’t blame…He recognized that the people thought they were doing the right thing –which was to them crucifying a criminal, which they did routinely–and He separated (and loved!) the PEOPLE even as they murdered Him.

While patriocentric or cultic parents end up placing their beliefs above actual relationships, they do it for their faith. What I see folks like Sierra doing is separating the people from the belief –acknowledging that their folks meant well and loved them in their way, but then separately pointing out the results that certain beliefs and lifestyles had on them –and therefore taking responsibility for their own beliefs, as adults, which includes looking at the fruits and questioning the teachings of this lifestyle.

By: Didi

Didi — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 03:37:52 +0000

But they/we AAAARE blaming our parents to some level. we are saying they were wrong and it hurt me and these ways. they did these things and now i struggle with these things.

let’s say a family does not teach their daughters upper level math and then when the daughter gets out and tries to go to college she cannot succeed or pass basic entry level tests because she was never taught. to some extent she will hold her parents’ accountable… it’s just reality.

By: Sierra

Sierra — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 03:37:49 +0000

Upon further thought, I’m not persuaded that being raised by parents with high expectations automatically enables young women to assign high standards to their parents. I was raised to show grace and mercy at all costs – and that my mother was untouchable because she was filled with the Holy Spirit and accountable directly to God. I was unequivocally convinced that it was not my place to judge her or apply any kind of standard or expectation to her actions. I have actually yelled at my mother (for insisting on my having contact with my abusive father) only one time in the nearly five years since I’ve left fundamentalism, and that experience was against my own nature. I was trained never to have that kind of audacity – and she was a lenient parent! The “turning of the tables” Vyckie speaks of here does not apply to me, and I suspect I’m not alone in this.