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by Vyckie Garrison

Mega-family parents, Jim Bob & Michelle Duggar of TLC’s “19 & Counting” fame announced on TODAY they are expecting baby #20 – due in April 2012.

Despite a difficult pregnancy and premature delivery of now-23-month-old, Josie, Michelle told TLC viewers she is willing to “lay down her life” for another baby.

“We do not take for granted the wonderful blessings of life that God has bestowed upon us!” writes Michelle on The Duggar Family website. “Many years ago, Jim Bob & I gave this area of our lives to God, allowing Him to grant life as He saw fit.”

The flip side of the Quiverfull ideal of “trusting the Lord with our family planning” which Jim Bob & Michelle embrace and promote through their TV Reality show, website, and numerous books, is that Michelle also accepts the possibility of her own or her baby’s deaths, should such tragedy occur, as God’s will.

In her book, The Way Home, Beyond Feminism and Back To Reality, Quiverfull proponent, Mary Pride explains that mothers who risk their lives for the sake of building the Kingdom of God are to be honored the same as missionaries:

“Routinely we send missionaries off to work in unsavory climates, knowing full well that they will probably come down with amoebic dysentery, be overheated (or frozen), receive inadequate medical care in second-rate hospitals, and on the average live ten years less than other people. But we don’t tell people not to be missionaries. Instead, we commend missionaries for their courage. 

“Missionaries go to foreign countries to beget new Christians; mothers get pregnant to be beget new Christians. Even if maternal missionary work has some hazards (and what missionary work doesn’t?), the noble way is to face them with courage. Likewise, we really ought to honor women with medical problems … diabetes, asthma, quadriplegia, arthritis, heart problems … who are willing to serve God with their bodies as mothers.  These are the unsung heroines of the modern church.  (p. 57 emphasis in original)”

To further understand Michelle’s willingness to risk her life, consider that Quiverfull leaders routinely downplay the health risks when questioned regarding the prudence of prolific motherhood.  Again, Mary Pride, citing page after page of examples of supposedly bogus health risks and throwing in as an added bonus, the “medical dangers of not having children,” encourages women to trust the Lord in the face of suffering:

“Devotees of evil will sacrifice all they have — money, health, reputation — to maintain their lifestyle.  If the actual threat of venereal disease or AIDS does not deter the wicked from their pursuits, why should the mostly phantom threat of “medical problems” deter us from ours?  God will stand by His daughters who are willing to serve Him.”

I explain this idealism which led me to repeatedly endure high-risk pregnancies and life-threatening deliveries in greater detail at No Longer Quivering: here and here.

Quiverfull moms are nothing if not consistent in their submission to the will of God – for better or worse.

Discuss this post on the NLQ forum. Comments are also open below.

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A review of “Me? Obey Him?” by Elizabeth Rice Handford. Trigger warning for former Quiverfull believers who actually read this book and tried to live according to the principles … this post is a disturbing trip down memory lane.

by Vyckie Garrison

Those fortunate enough to have never actually read “Me? Obey Him?” may be shocked and appalled by the teachings in support of “biblical patriarchy.”  This review is simply quotations of Handford’s own words (in italics), followed by comments from my personal experience as a former Quiverfull Believer.

God’s Perfect Creation Required Order

Jesus, the Creator of Heaven and earth, submitted Himself to God the Father.  He took His place in the chain of command. … It is no shame, no dishonor,  for a woman to be under authority, if the Lord Jesus — very God Himself — submitted to the authority of the Father. (p. 14)

The submission of the Lord Jesus is our example.  He submitted not just to the tender ministrations of the Father.  He submitted to revilings and curses, persecution and suffering.  He was our example, not just to obey a gentle and kind husband but a harsh and mean husband as well.

You may find that your obedience to your husband and your obedience to God are all tied together.  You may not want to obey your husband because you are in rebellion against God. (p. 51)

By intimately linking Christ’s willing subjection to God the Father with a woman’s submission to her husband in “the chain of command,” the teachings of patriarchy create such an intricate tangle of enmeshment that it’s nearly impossible for an abused woman to extricate herself from the bondage of her husband’s tyranny without also throwing off her spiritual bond with Christ.

Kristen Rosser, who writes the FAQs for No Longer Quivering, is currently working on an article which will address the popular Christian teachings on the absolute necessity of hierarchy – coming soon …

Woman’s Nature Requires Obedience

We’ve had the impression that women as a class are more spiritually minded than men, with sensibilities more refined, and purer thoughts. Scriptures say the opposite is true!  Women are more often led into spiritual error than men.  Perhaps it is caused by her intuitive, emotional thinking.  (Intuitive thinking is God’s gift, not to be despised, but it needs the balance of a man’s reason.)  I should add too, that a woman does not have to be led into error.  That is the reason God commanded her not to usurp authority over the man, so she can be protected from false doctrine. (p. 17)

Sexist generalizations are never useful in understanding human relationships.

In reality, I am no less rational than my (ex)husband.  He also is gifted with a strong intuition and emotional intelligence.  Convinced as we were that I was more susceptible to Satanic deception, our family was deprived of my reasonable input in decision making.  My intelligence was squelched, my intuition was distrusted and my feelings were denied.  My husband developed an artificially inflated sense of his own powers of logic.  I can’t count how many times he said to me, “What you are saying sounds reasonable, but how do I know that Satan is not using you to deceive me?”  I had no good defense.  According to the Scriptures, we had every reason to believe that I was indeed being used to lead my husband astray.

His authority and my obedience did not protect us from tragic deception which ripped apart our family.

What Do the Scriptures Say About a Wife’s Obedience?

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, the Scriptures say a woman ought to obey her husband! …  [Note, these ellipses represent page after page of scriptural support given by Handford to bolster her argument that God commands wives to obey their husbands.] If you are intellectually honest, you will have to admit that it is impossible to find a single loophole, a single exception, an “if” or “unless.”  The Scriptures say, without qualification, to the openminded reader, that a woman ought to obey her husband. (pp. 24, 25)

1) She Is to Obey Regardless of His Spiritual Condition

The wife who obeys her husband may win him by her meek and quiet spirit, her loving behavior. (p. 25)

2) She Need Not Fear Conflicting Authority

There is no hint that a woman may have to choose between conflicting authority. …  If it is needed in order to fulfill both obligations, God will do a miracle to make it possible. … It is safe to conclude that when God told a woman to obey her husband, He intended for her to be able to do it without risk of offending other authorities. (pp. 25, 28)

3) She Obeys Without Reference to Her Feelings About the Will of God

The Scriptures say a woman must ignore her “feelings” about the will of God, and do what her husband says.  She is to obey her husband as if he were God Himself.  She can be as certain of God’s will, when her husband speaks, as if God had spoken audibly from Heaven! (p. 28 – emphasis added)

When a concerned friend reported our family to Child Protective Services, my ex-husband lost custody of the children due to his abuse.  The social worker told me that I was guilty of “failure to protect.”  The only thing that prevented me from having my parental rights terminated and my children placed in foster care was my willingness to submit to a full psychological evaluation, undergo individual and family counseling, and cooperate with random unannounced home visits by Social Services.

My older children rightfully blame me for not protecting them against their father’s abuse.  Even though they know that I was influenced by books such as “Me? Obey Him?” to believe that it was God’s will to submit to the abuse, my children cannot be fooled into thinking that I was not really responsible for their suffering.  I have apologized for my neglect.  Most of my children have forgiven me — still, the damage is done and some things can’t (and shouldn’t) be forgotten.

What If a Husband Expressly Commands Something Explicitly Wrong?

When women ask me this question, I counter with two of my own:

1) “Have you been living in daily obedience to your husband as part of your wholehearted, loving submission to God?”

(This is an essential part of the problem. If a woman has not been submissive, God has no responsibility for her situation and cannot be blamed if her husband requires something wrong.)

2) “Has your husband ever actually commanded you to do something wrong?”

In the hundreds of times I have asked these questions, not once, if my memory is right, has a woman answered, “Yes, I am always obedient, and yet my husband has required me to break one of God’s laws.”

Never! Why?

Because, when a woman takes God at His word, submits to her husband without reservation, fears God and loves Him, then God takes upon Himself the responsibility to see that a woman does not have to sin! (pp. 37, 38)

Many non-Christians can at least appreciate Jesus as a good moral teacher, but I have come to think of my 25+ year walk with God as the perfect example of a codependent relationship.  To me, having “the mind of Christ” means thinking like a battered woman:  It’s really all my fault that He treats me so poorly.  If only I were a better person, He wouldn’t have to make me suffer.  He only does it when I disobey — to test my love for Him or to teach me a much-needed lesson. I don’t deserve His love.  I am so thankful that He puts up with me! Without Him, I am nothing.

Even if a woman can honestly claim to have been perfectly submissive, if her husband nevertheless commands her to do wrong, God still gets off the hook.  But, “Me? Obey Him?” gives the godly woman a promise so that she is not without hope: perhaps the Lord will kill her evil husband!!

A man always has the choice of saying yes or no to God.  He can reject the pleadings of the Spirit, the pleas of his loving wife.  If he does, and he goes on his wicked way, then I have seen God reach down and take that man’s life, rather than make his wife choose between two wrongs. (p. 40)

The Lord did not rescue us from abuse by killing my husband — even though, I’m embarrassed and ashamed now to say, I did pray He would do so after reading this passage in Handford’s book.  No — it was up to me to put a stop to the abuse.  My only regret in seeking divorce is that I didn’t do it sooner.

Don’t I Have Any Rights?

Can you find a Kleenex somewhere and mop up the tears, just for a minute, long enough to talk to me about what your rights really are?

You don’t have any rights, no rights at all.  You lost them on the day you rebelled against God.  You lost them, not because you are a woman, but because you are a sinner, just as I am.  (p. 49)

Handford goes on to argue that, having been purchased by Christ’s blood, we become His bondservants (slaves) who ought to be glad to do anything He tells us to do.  This teaching that I was a slave to Christ translated into me also being a slave to my husband.  I had no right to expect decent treatment for myself and our children.  My husband owned me and was perfectly within his rights to demand that I comply with his every whim.  If his desires seemed selfish, petty, or abusive, who was I to protest?  If I would have rebelled against his wishes, then I would be guilty of witchcraft (1 Samuel 15:23) and subject to demonic control.  I was told that either God was in control of my life (in the guise of my husband), or else Satan was in control of my life.  The only power I had was to choose which one would control me.

You Have the Freedom From the Consequences of Decisions

When you give back to your husband the responsibility for the direction of the home and the making of the decisions, you also give him the responsibility for the consequences of his decisions. … Fortunately, that’s the way a man likes it.  God made a man to be aggressive, to respond to challenge, to glory in his manhood, to rejoice in draining his strength, to risk great hazards for the one he loves.  It is his very aggressiveness that a woman sometimes finds frightening, simply because she is a woman.  She doesn’t have confidence in her physical strength, in her ability to cope with danger, in her decision-making ability.  It is a privilege, a gift unearned, for a woman to have a man take upon himself her welfare. (p 56)

What Handford fails to mention here is that the wife and children have to live with the consequences of the husband’s decisions.  Reality persists.  In actual fact, if a woman turns over all authority to her husband, and he blows it, she is nevertheless responsible by abdication for the resultant predicament in which the family finds itself.  Perhaps God will not hold the submissive woman responsible for her husband’s squandering of the household funds, but her children’s hollow eyes will haunt her all the same.

The male aggressiveness which I feared was, in fact, strengthened when I catered to my husband — much as a bully becomes increasingly malevolent until his targeted prey dares to stand up to him.  My insecurities regarding decision-making and my ability to cope worsened as I was never permitted an opportunity to prove to myself that I could deal with challenging situations.

God has a wonderful way of working it out for the comfort of the whole family when a woman leaves the decision making to her husband. (p. 57)

Wishful thinking much?

Don’t I Ever Get to Express an Opinion?

When you are talking over a problem, if it isn’t asking too much, try to think reasonably. … Men think women talk too much about how they feel, rather than considering facts.  Sure it’s important how you feel.  Can you tell him why you feel that way? (p. 61)

There is a word for this contemptuous insult: Misogyny.  It means, hatred of women.  Anyone who thinks so little of women should be afforded zero credibility when it comes to handing out marital advice.

Why Do I Have to Make All the Concessions?

Why doesn’t the husband have to do his part first? Why?  Because you are the one burdened for a Christian home.  Having a home where Christ is the head is cheap enough at whatever price you have to pay!  Think how long the rewards of a good Christian home will last.  Then ask yourself if it is worth the trifling mortifications of obedience.  Of course it is!  All valuable things cost something.  Certainly you will have to pay a price. (p. 69)

A relationship in which one party must make all the concessions has nothing to do with love and everything to do with power and control.  It is unhealthy, dysfunctional, unsustainable, and perverse. It is not good for the wife and it is not good for the husband either.

The “mortifications of obedience” in my marriage were not trifling.  I was not the only one who had to pay the price.  Patriarchy took a terrible toll on my children: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  We are still paying the price to this day.  Sadly, the promised rewards of a good Christian home never actually materialized for us.

But What If His Influence on the Children Is Bad?

Then make sure your influence on the children is good.  Let them see a mother who loves God and keeps His commandments by obeying her husband!  Your influence, by God’s grace, can counteract the bad influences a father can have.  … Obey God. Obey your husband.  God will see to it that bad influences on the children are countered. (pp. 72, 74)

My children will tell you that this simply is not true.  Day after day, week after week, year after year, my husband’s anger and control wore the children down.  They learned his bad habits.  His hatred and criticism destroyed their enthusiasm for life.

• I submitted, he dominated.  The children learned that in all relationships there is an imbalance of power — better to be the person in power.

Over and over, I prayed for the Lord to help me counteract my husband’s negative influence.  Despite my desperate pleadings, the reality was that he had way more energy, he could lecture for hours and hours without a break, he spent more time with the children while I was on continual bedrest either pregnant or recovering from pregnancies/deliveries.  Plus, he had all the power — so which of us would the children want to emulate?  Certainly not me and my martyrdom.

I Want to Do Right, But I Can’t Help How I Feel

Have you noticed how many Scriptures there are that command a wife to obey her husband, and how few Scriptures there are that command her to love her husband?  There is only one Scripture, to my knowledge, that tells a wife to love him, and that is Titus 2:4.  Why?  Because, I think, in a marvelous, supernatural way, submission brings love.  If you obey him, you will love him, love him more than you ever dreamed possible.  (p. 75)

The principle which Handford is describing here actually has a name.  It’s called Stockholm syndrome.  As defined by Wikipedia, Stockholm syndrome is a term used to describe a paradoxical psychological phenomenon wherein hostages express adulation and have positive feelings towards their captors that appear irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, essentially mistaking a lack of abuse from their captors as an act of kindness.

I learned this coping mechanism well in my own abusive marriage.  Whenever I felt the natural repulsion and lack of love engendered by my husband’s poor treatment of me and the children, I forced myself to become even more submissive to him.  I was following Jesus’ admonition to turn the other cheek and to repay evil with good.  Guess what?  It worked!!  In no time, the good, positive feelings returned and I was once again feeling incredible love for my husband.

But this trick of my mind was not a good thing as it enabled me to endure the abuse — to rationalize and justify my husband’s behavior even when the children and I were clearly suffering harm.

Does It Work? Does It Really Work?

God has made a promise to the woman who will obey her husband.  He keeps His promises.  He will not honor disobedience, no matter what excuse is given for it.  A woman wins her husband, draws him to a higher spiritual plane, by a submissive, quiet spirit.  … Yes, it really works.  God will bless your home if you are obedient. (p. 77)

It really works! … Unless it doesn’t work, in which case, it’s all the woman’s fault.  This guaranteed recipe for success cannot be proven false because the “no liability” clause is inseparable from the key ingredient: perfect obedience.  Not blessed?  Not His/his fault.  The woman is solely responsible for every failure.

For the Sake of the Children, Submit

In any unresolved conflict between husband and wife, there is always great danger to the marriage, however trivial its beginning.  Children instinctively know the sanctity of the home itself is endangered when there is conflict over who is boss. Not only will children suffer from fear, they will also learn from a rebellious mother her rebellion against authority. … The children will learn rebellion and rebel against you and your husband.  Then they will resent all authority: the school, the boss, the policeman, the structure of life itself. (p. 86)

Conflict in marriage is normal.  The absence of conflict is a sign that one (or both) of the partners has been demoralized and dehumanized.  Holding an opinion and caring about it is a big part of what it means to be alive.  Working through conflict, listening to each others’ differing perspectives and learning to compromise is the way mature couples learn and grow. Marriage does not have to be a power struggle.  Nobody has to be “the boss.”  Mutuality makes a happy, satisfying relationship for both husband and wife.

Children who witness healthy parents dealing constructively with the inevitable disagreements of daily life are learning valuable conflict resolution skills.

I thought that I was providing much-needed security for my children when I continually assured them that their father and I would never divorce.  They told me later that to them, my unwavering committment sounded like a death sentence.

It was not until I began standing up for myself and the children against their father’s unreasonable demands that he quit acting like a two-year-old and began to take responsibility for his own actions.  Witnessing me challenge their father’s authority did not turn my children into rebels — it was living with a bully which made them revolt.  When I took a stand, the children learned healthy boundaries: both to insist on their own boundaries and to respect the boundaries of others.

For Your Husband’s Sake, Obey

Imagine how quickly a man would turn his steps homeward in the evening, after a day of grappling with the world, if the woman who waited for him met him with words of tenderness on her lips instead of a set of ultimatums. … If it matters at all to you about the man you have promised to love until parted by death, for his well-being and joy, for his usefulness to God, obey him! (pp. 87, 88)

When I indiscriminately submitted to my husband’s every whim, I was not treating him like a grown-up man. I was treating him like a spoiled child.  Taking on the responsibility for his “well-being and joy” stripped him of self-respect and enabled him to avoid the consequences of his own poor choices.  Filing for divorce was, in fact, the first time I showed true respect to my husband since before we learned about and accepted the teachings of patriarchy.  Finally I was saying to him, “You are an intelligent, sane adult and therefore, you must live with the consequences of your behavior.”

A man whose wife is a spineless doormat is actually more likely to stray from home as he seeks a companion who challenges and engages him on an adult level.

For Your Own Welfare and Happiness, Yield

There’s a strange paradox in Scripture, echoed in many places: If you would live, you must die (John 12:24).  If you would keep your life, you must lose it (Matt. 10:39).  If you would be free, you must submit yourself a slave to Christ (Rom. 6:18).  And there is one more paradox which must be taken by faith as well: if you would know true freedom, you must submit to your husband’s authority.  Obedience certainly has its great and final reward in Heaven, but it also has the present tangible reward. … Obedience brings happiness! (p. 88)

Again, wifely submission is intimately linked to one of the central messages of Christianity.

What Elizabeth Rice Handford doesn’t want you to know is that this same argument, these same verses, in fact, were used by Christian slaveholders to justify their ownership of fellow human beings.

Stop for a moment and actually read the following verses:

Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. Obey them not only to win their favor when their eye is on you, but like slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart. Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free. (Eph. 6:5-8 — the same section of Ephesians in which Paul commands wives to submit to their husbands.)

To sweeten the deal, proponents of biblical slavery would remind slaves that serving the Lord meant serving their masters – but this is not burdensome because the Bible also commands masters to treat their slaves kindly:

And masters, treat your slaves in the same way. Do not threaten them, since you know that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no favoritism with him. (Eph. 6:9 — with such a Christ-like master, why wouldn’t a slave willingly submit?)

Sound familiar?  Teachers of wifely submission are always quick to point out that while God insists that women obey their husbands, we must remember that husbands are likewise instructed to love their wives as Christ loved the church.  So that makes the subjection and subordination of women okay … just like slavery, right?  After all, the bible commands both women and slaves to submit and obey.

Virtually no Christians today advocate slavery.  The verses commanding slaves to obey their masters have not been removed from the bible or discredited, yet we have laws against people owning people. Ask Christians why they believe that slavery is evil when the bible does not condemn slave owners and, in fact, commands slaves to obey their masters, and you will receive a myriad of responses: You have to consider the context and the culture; God was not condoning slavery, only acknowledging its common practice and providing guidelines to make it more humane, etc.  What you will not hear — ever — is a Christian who replies, “The bible commands slaves to obey their masters.  Therefore, slavery is God’s will and faithful Christians must practice slavery to be in the will of God. Obedient slaves are happy slaves.”

Think about it.  Why don’t we still practice slavery?  Why?

Slavery is wrong.  It is dehumanizing, unjust,  inequitable, immoral and inconsistent with the Golden Rule.  It does not matter that the bible commands slaves to obey their masters – we all know that slavery is wrong, wrong, wrong.

How do we know that slavery is wrong when the bible does not tell us so?  Answer that question and you will also understand that it doesn’t matter how many times the bible commands women to obey and submit to their husbands – we know instinctively that the subordination of women is just plain wrong. For the same reasons that we dismiss and ignore the bible commands for slaves to obey their masters, we should also feel free to disregard the bible commands for wives to obey their husbands.

Discuss this post on the NLQ forum.  Comments are also open below.

Read all posts by Vyckie Garrison.

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by Vyckie Garrison

“Does God Hate Women?” author, Ophelia Benson recently shared a note which was posted on Reddit written by a young patriarch describing his “biblical marriage.”

 As Bible-believing Baptists who hold to reformed theology, X and I believe that God is sovereign in choosing who will or will not believe in him, having chosen his people before the foundation of the world (see Ephesians 1), and that his selection is unbreakable and irresistible. If marriage is to mirror this principle, we believe that a woman has no right to select a husband for herself, but that she is to be chosen by a man and marriage is to be an unbreakable arrangement between the man and her father. Based on this reasoning, we have shunned a standard proposal and wedding ceremony, because if I had asked her to marry me (which I did not) then I would have given her the decision to marry me rather than selecting her and taking her myself. Furthermore, if we had exchanged conventional marriage vows, our union would have been based on X’s will and consent, which are not Biblical factors for marriage or salvation. Instead, I asked X’s father for his blessing in taking her hand in marriage. When he gave his blessing, X and I considered ourselves to be unbreakably betrothed in the sight of God. While we had initially intended to consummate our marriage after today’s symbolic ceremony, we instead did so secretly after private scripture reading, prayer, and mutual foot-washing.

PZ Meyers commented on Pharyngula, “It made my skin crawl.”  Yeah – mine too.

As Quiverfull Believers dig ever-deeper into their Bibles in search of the truly “biblical model” for godly marriage, ideas about courtship and “betrothal” are becoming increasingly savage and brutish.  It would seem unlikely that Courtship standards could get even more oppressive considering that Christian notions of “biblical match-making” have already been taken to outrageous extremes.

Josh Harris started a back-to-bible-living revolution among Christian young people when he advocated the courtship model in his book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye. What – no dating for teens? Now that’s a radical concept! As “bible believers” jumped on the bandwagon of father-led pairing of qualified young men and women in serious pursuit of marriage, popular Quiverfull patriarchs took biblical courtship to a new level of paternal domination as they pointed to Old Testament examples of “betrothal” as the very best way to ensure the future success of Christian marriage.

Jonathan Lindvall, teaching “God’s Design for Youthful Romance,” cited the betrothal of Matthew and Maranatha Chapman as an ideal example of a “true romantic betrothal.”  Lindvall describes the crazy-making process by which Maranatha’s father, Stan Owen, orchestrated a year-long betrothal which was to be a “demonstration of Christ’s coming for His bride” based on the parable of the Ten Virgins.

Mr. Owen still faithfully directed both Matthew and Maranatha to avoid physical affection until their wedding. He particularly cautioned them to guard against impatience. Especially since Maranatha was rather young, their wedding might be quite a long way off yet. Though they hoped that the time would be soon, they nevertheless resigned themselves to the real possibility that the wedding could be a matter of years down the road, much like Jacob’s seven year betrothal to Rachel (Gen. 29:18-20). Yet they were both naturally quite motivated and energetically prepared in every way they could, as quickly as they could, just in case the wedding should suddenly be announced.

Not to be outdone in the “biblical examples of courtship and marriage” department, Michael Pearl counseled his daughter, Shoshanna, to forego a state-issued marriage license:

None of my daughters or their husbands asked the state of Tennessee for permission to marry. They did not yoke themselves to government. It was a personal, private covenant, binding them together forever—until death. So when the sodomites have come to share in the state marriage licenses, which will eventually be the law, James and Shoshanna will not be in league with those perverts. And, while I am on the subject, there will come a time when faithful Christians will either revoke their state marriage licenses and establish an exclusively one man-one woman covenant of marriage, or, they will forfeit the sanctity of their covenant by being unequally yoked together with perverts. The sooner there is such a movement, the sooner we will have a voice in government. Some of you attorneys and statesmen reading this should get together and come up with an approach that will have credibility and help to impact the political process.

Yeah … that’s “bible-believing” extremism for you – and it’s not enough to practice these ideals for themselves and their children, “biblical family values” must become the law of the land.

As a former Quiverfull believer, I used to get excited at the prospect of searching the Word and discovering greater “truths” and biblical principles – the implementation of which would bring my family increasingly closer to a truly God-honoring model of marriage and Christian home life.  At the same time, I secretly dreaded what the Lord might reveal to me next through Lindvall’s Bold Christian Living, Pearl’s No Greater Joy, and other “biblical family living” ministries.  Already I was obediently and faithfully having baby after baby to the obvious detriment of my health, submitting to my abusive husband, homeschooling, homebirthing, home churching, foregoing all government assistance including potentially life-saving health insurance and food stamps, cutting off all outside relationships with family and friends who were not like-minded Quiverfull Believers …. honestly, the regimentation and isolation made for a harsh and demanding life.

“What’s next?” I frequently wondered to myself … ‘cuz my practice of Quiverfull was not “peculiar” enough already, I guess.

I am so grateful that I got out before I had a chance to “discover” the biblical principle of a man selecting and taking a wife for himself.  I am afraid, since the idea comes straight from scripture, I very well may have gone along with my daughters’ father coming to an “unbreakable arrangement” for a “godly” young man to “take them” in marriage.

Ugh.  It is a trap – a life-sucking quagmire – to attempt to order one’s family life according to a worldview which teaches that whatever is in the bible is necessarily “biblical” and normative for all times and all cultures.  I dread the thought that today’s Quiverfull daughters are now being taught that a young Christian woman “has no right to select a husband for herself, but that she is to be chosen by a man” and given no decision in the convenant agreement between her father and the man who will be taking her.

Discuss this post on the NLQ forum. Comments are also open below.

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On fundamentalist counterculture & juvenile black market adoption fantasies …

by Vyckie Garrison @ No Longer Quivering

Do you remember when it first dawned on you that your relatives are all a bunch of crackpots and weirdos?  Seems like I was around 8 or 9 — my mother worked all night in the casinos and slept most of the day, leaving me alone to protect my naïve older sister from the depraved advances of Mom’s alcoholic boyfriends and worry about my big brother’s drug addiction. I couldn’t count on my grandparents to help — they were too preoccupied with their own divorce, dating, and remarriage dramas.

“Holy sugar,” I thought to myself, “these people are seriously messed up!”

That’s about the time the fantasies began.  My home, I imagined, was a three-ring circus — and my relatives were the freaks and the clowns.  In my daydreams, I was not really one of them.  No — surely, I was of aristocratic origin.  My REAL family were royalty in a faraway Kingdom and I was born a beloved Princess in a fancy castle with many servants and my own Fairy Godmother.  Somehow, I’d been separated from my blood kin as an infant — I was captured by gypsies and sold in a black market adoption — that’s how I ended up being raised by this group of crazies!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ABC’s Primetime Nightline recently aired a segment featuring the Gil & Kelly Bates family — a conservative, Evangelical mega-family of twenty.  The Bates, who are close friends of JimBob & Michelle Duggar of TLC’s “19 and Counting” fame, hold to the extreme fundamentalist ideals of the growing “Quiverfull movement.”

During the one-hour special, Gil, Kelly, and their children explained the family’s lifestyle which, to all modern appearances, represents a throw back to the imaginary 60′s-style “Leave It to Beaver” family combined with strict, Victorian Era sexual mores and the atavistic gender roles of ancient goat-herders. The Bates eschew all forms of birth control and adhere to the marriage model of the biblical Patriarchs — with Gil as family leader and Kelly as submissive “help meet.”  Kelly and the girls adorn themselves in modest, hand-sewn dresses, while Gil and his clean-cut sons teach bible study and participate in local Tea Party politics.

Aren’t they lovely?  Don’tcha wanna be just like them?

I sure did!  I left home at 15 and embarked on a quest to recreate my long-lost perfect, happy family — my REAL courtly family, where I truly belonged.  After a false start involving marriage at 16, a baby at 19, and divorce after seven years of abuse rivaling the most astonishing freak show acts Mom’s circus family had ever performed — I remarried, found a “bible-believing” church, and worked hard within the Quiverfull counterculture to implement the best of the best biblical family values into our home life.  I had six more children. I homebirthed, homeschooled, and home-churched. I submitted to my husband and joyfully sacrificed my time, energy and talents to build him up and help him to succeed.  I published a “pro-life, pro-family” Christian family newspaper to inform and encourage other Christians to defend “Traditional Family Values.”

In 2003, we were honored as Family of the Year at the Nebraska Family Council’s “Salt & Light” awards. I’d finally made it! I had built my own Magic Kingdom where my husband reigned as King and I was his Queen, the children were our loyal subjects and we could all live happily ever after …

Like the Bates family, we were the perfect picture of the “biblical family values” fantasy — an idealistic vision of big, happy families: devoted husband and wife surrounded by a passel of respectful, obedient children — we were all sweetness and smiles.  It is this mesmerizing dream world which energizes and motivates Tea Party Republicans like Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann to work tirelessly to implement the “pro-family” theocratic agenda into every aspect of American society: not only in politics, but religion, family, media, education, business and entertainment.

Fundamentalist Christians are convinced that contemporary American society is the World’s Most Spectacular Display of hideously mutated, diseased and anomalous freaks.  ”Step right up folks!” the preacher yells, “and witness a grotesque parade of ho-mo-sex-uals, lesbians, Wiccans, radical feminists, godless liberals, secular humanists, and …” (congregation gasps!) “Muslim extremists!!”

Simultaneously fascinated and horrified, respectable religious parents scramble to shield their innocent children’s eyes and ears from the depravity and corruption of “The World.”  They homeschool and form special Chastity and Creation Science clubs designed to insulate and isolate their vulnerable young from the miscreants and most depraved elements of popular culture.

It’s completely understandable and normal for preteens to create imaginary worlds — their own private, safe hideout where they can dream of nobility, of rising above and doing so much better than the clowns running the Big Top’s Museum of Mutantstrosities.  The grown-ups watch in silent, knowing amusement as kids disavow their relatives as “psychos” and “bozos.”

But when otherwise responsible, Christian adults in recent years set out on a mission to create a radically distinct way of life based on “biblical family values,” the resultant countercultural movement known as “Quiverfull” has become an all-too-real Hall of Mirrors horror show.

In my own life, perpetual pregnancies destroyed my health, and my indiscriminate acquiescence to my husband’s every whim transformed him from a loving father into a tantrum-throwing tyrant. Burnout and disillusionment led to abuse, neglect, family disintegration and a particularly nasty divorce.

When the dust settled, I took a good look at myself in the mirror.  I could no longer deny the strong family resemblance — I saw my mother in my own face staring back at me.  After all those years of fighting and denial, I had to finally accept the fact that I really am one of them — I belong to these crazy people.  I, too, am a conspicuous oddity — a bizarre spectacle and an embarrassment to my own noble children.

Funny thing is … these days, I don’t mind so much being associated with my misfit clan of circus freaks.  Life experience has given me perspective and a deep appreciation for the inevitable realities and desperate circumstances which deformed and mutated Mom and the rest of us into shocking and extraordinary creatures worthy of society’s disquietude and awe.

Black market adoption fantasies and youthful idealism are important wayposts on the journey to adulthood.  Rebellion against blatant injustice, hypocrisy, moral compromise and the myriad of other common grown-up failure is a healthy manifestation of a kid’s personal power and strong moral agency.  Arrogant and annoying, yes — but in moments of truth we have to admit, the kid’s got a point.

Society sucks.  Bigotry, racism, inequity, corruption, greed, depravity, malevolence, and all manner of evil abound. Let’s just face the fact that in many ways, the contemporary American social and political scene has devolved to become the World’s Greatest Freak Show.

No wonder Tea Party Patriot families like the Bates and the Duggars escape into their own personal fantasyland.

Ironically, with maturity comes humility — along with a profound sense of connection and belonging to that wacky bunch of buffoons who share our DNA.  We see our people with new eyes.  Sure, Grandma’s got a beard and Uncle Stan is a charlatan — Aunt Betty’s such a lunatic, she may as well have two heads.  But in the end, they’re all we’ve got.  That perfect, royal family whom we imagined searched frantically for us for years and never gave up hope that one day we would return to our true home?  They’re not real.  Cousin Roger is real — never mind that he doesn’t have a lick of sense and the only thing he’s good for is shoveling elephant shit — he’s the one who truly understands you, knows all about you, and loves you anyway.

Tea Party family values are the fundamentalists’ desperate attempt to deny their own imperfections, vulnerability, and their inescapable mortality.  Sure it hurts that they look down on us regular folk — those of us who make no pretense of actually having our acts together — they avoid being seen out in public with us, they disown us, and they shrink away in fear of catching our cooties.

But take heart — perhaps they’ll grow up.

I did.  Not saying I don’t still sometimes get all starry-eyed and visionary over the possibility of influencing our society for the better — I’ve got a bit of spunk left in me and I’m doing what I can to stick it to The Man.  But I no longer think of myself as qualitatively different or “other” than all the rest of my fellow human beings — my family.  My freakish, crazy, wonderfully imperfect people.

I don’t believe in God anymore, but I still have faith.  I have hope and I trust that collectively, we’re all gonna make it — we are learning from our mistakes and growing more compassionate.  Our shared experiences make us wiser and I have confidence that better times are just ahead.

Discuss this post on the NLQ forum! Comments are also open below.

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by Vyckie

The comments on Hopewell’s latest Duggar piece are particularly interesting to me ~ especially when compared to the reactions over at Free Jinger ~ Quiverfull of Snark, where the consensus seems to be that Hopewell graded the Duggars way too generously.

What’s important to notice about this article ~ and Nikita’s comment really made this point ~ is that in delineating that very long, tedious 49-point list and giving the Duggar family a grade on how they measure up ~ it really highlights the tremendous amount of legalism, the impossibly high (and often warped) standards ~ and just how unrealistic this Quiverfull ideal is: Not even the Quiverfull Royalty ~ not even practically-perfect-in-every-way (and that’s not snark) Michelle Duggar can live up to the expectations which are held up as the biblical criteria for a truly Godly family.

Christian families can knock themselves out ~ they can try with all their might ~ but they’re chasing after an elusive and unrealistic dream and they’re on the road to burn-out, overload, disenchantment and in some cases, heartache and a crisis of health or loss of faith.

When we see the long, exhausting, impossible list ~ it becomes clear and undeniable that NO-ONE, no family ~ is going to measure up.  The Duggar family does a valiant job ~ but it requires a lot of juggling, self-sacrifice, and non-stop work, work, work on the part of every available helper ~ it’s an elaborate and delicately balanced house of cards which is entirely dependent upon everyone contributing 110% of their time, energy, talent, etc.  Not one of them can afford to take a rest long enough to catch their breath and really think about what they’re doing.

I say this all the time ~ but this cannot be repeated too often: The Quiverfull life is unsustainable ~ the older daughters bear the burden ~ they make it possible ~ they lose their childhoods, their individual identies, their selves, and sometimes, their sanity. 

I realize this 49 Character Qualities report card is not typical of NLQ ~ it is not making nice (though I agree that Hopewell has been fair and even generous with the Duggars) ~ but I do believe it belongs here like a mirror ~ to reflect back to QF families the image they are trying to project ~ that of a perfect, godly family ~ and hopefully, they can take an honest look.  If what they see appears unflattering ~ rather than fault the mirror, it’d be more productive to ask, “Why are we accepting this man’s idea of what a Godly family should look like?”

In the same way that mature, self-confident women can look at the perfect, unblemished faces gracing the covers of “women’s magazines” in the check-out line ~ and rather than rushing over to the beauty counter to purchase every available product, or feeling inadequate and ugly ~ grown-up women evaluate and judge themselves based on what qualities of beauty are important to them as unique individuals ~ this NLQ’s approach to the Duggar family.

Just as no reasonable person looks at the covergirl models and truly believes that level of perfection is actually achievable or even desirable ~ so too, when we observe high-profile Quiverfull families such as the Duggars ~ it makes sense to watch with a healthy skepticism ~ we can appreciate their good qualities ~ without feeling dissatisfied with our own families and putting pressure on ourselves, our husbands, and our children to be the epitome of Godly family perfection.

Oh ~ and a P.S. ~ Happy Birthday, Michelle!♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪

We at NLQ really do admire you ~ we’re just trying to keep perspective and not get all starry-eyed and entranced when we see your beautiful, ginormous, seemingly perfect family on TLC, the Today Show, and on the cover of People magazine when we do our grocery shopping.

Discuss this post on the NLQ forum. Comments are also open below.

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[Note: This piece was originally posted at "Enlightened Life."]

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My daughter, Berea, has mice in her new apartment ~ and this morning she asked on her Facebook status: WHAT DO MICE WANT?

Answer: Peanut Butter!

by Vyckie

I’ve lost track of how many times I have been told that the only reason wifely submission did not work out in my marriage was because I was married to a jerk.

Recently, “Karebear” commented: I hope that you two understand that the groups/husbands that you were with were not practicing a Godly lifestyle. The bible does call women to be submissive to their husbands but it also calls men to love their wives …. And, the bible defines love as, not self-seeking, protective, kind ext….

Another reader wrote:

Husbands are commanded to love their wives and this love of a husband is only of value if it is sacrificial, Christ is the example of sacrificial love (Servant King–NOT TYRANT).

Submission of a wife is only a beautiful gift if the context is respect as opposed to fear.

The impression I get (forgive me for speaking out of ignorance) is that your marriage was codependant and that your husband had a weakness for malignant narcissism/Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

So in other words ~ the failure was not in the teachings of Patriarchy ~ but in our practice of it ~ we were doing it wrong.  These defenders of Patriarchy assume that I was submitting out of fear and they’re also convinced that Warren never sacrificed for me and the kids.

Let me state plainly that throughout our 18 year marriage ~ I never doubted for a minute that Warren loved me and the children more than himself and that he always put our welfare ahead of his own concerns.

Here’s the thing: Over the years, as we got more and more into the patriarchal mindset ~ our definition of what it means for a husband to “love” and to “sacrifice” morphed into some pretty twisted ideas! 

The teachings we learned from leaders such as Jonathan Lindvall, Doug Phillips, etc. led us to believe that the husband loves and serves the Lord as “protector, provider, and priest” or sometimes stated, “prophet, priest, and king” of his family ~ all important aspects of his role as “head of the household.”

In every sermon, book, magazine article, radio interview, etc. which taught about a wife’s submission ~ there was *always* included the admonition to husbands that they “love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her.”  WE UNDERSTOOD THAT PART OF THE PLAN!!! 

Truthfully~ “Husband’s love your wives” is the part that makes the whole Patriarchy deal seem so bloody attractive!  What woman doesn’t want a husband and father for her children who willingly lays down his life and serves, protects, provides ~ a man who fulfills his leadership role with gentleness and competence? 

That’s exactly what we all wanted.

But get into those teachings a little farther, and you’ll discover that “protector” means CONTROL ~ it means that a man, who is ultimately responsible for his family’s spiritual well-being and who must one day stand before his Maker and give an account ~ such a man believes he is entitled to know every detail of his wife’s and each child’s every move, every desire, every thought …  How else will he be able to protect them from the Enemy who seeks to lead them astray and destroy them?

Kristen Rosser, aka “KR Wordgazer,” writes the FAQs for No Longer Quivering which address Quiverfull/Patriarchal teachings from a biblical standpoint.  In “Does Patriarchy Glorify God?” Kristen makes the excellent point that the teachings and practice of Patriarchy actually belittle and diminsh both God and men ~ by putting God in a box and men in shoes which are much too big as they are expected to fulfill roles for which God alone is sufficient. 

I am especially looking forward to KR’s upcoming FAQ: “The Bible and Male Headship.”

It’s been explained at NLQ before ~ in the comment section and also on the forum ~ but I think it needs to stated over and over again: If a husband is truly loving his wife self-sacrificially ~ then the issue of Patriarchy ~ of headship and submission ~ is a moot point.  A husband who loves his wife has a relationship of mutuality which has nothing to do with the teachings we are addressing here at No Longer Quivering.  Warren and I had that sort of love *before* we were introduced to the teachings of Patriarchy.

… but of course, he did have some quirky ways ~ he was insecure and had a tendency to micro-manage things…

What we’re talking about here ~ and what the QF/P teachers are telling married couples is that when husbands behave badly ~ their wives’ loving submission is the key to transforming the slackers and the abusers into bold men of God who will step up to the plate and lead their families to the glory of the Kingdom!

With sermon titles such as, “How a Wife Can Use Reverence to Build or Save Her Marriage” or “The 7-Fold Power of a Wife’s Submission” ~ these bible teachers are setting a trap ~ and “Husbands love your wives …” is the peanut butter they use ‘cuz they know that’s what women want ~ it gets us every time!!!

Sadly, the way it works out in this practice of Patriarchy ~ it is the wife who ends up doing all the Jesus-like self-sacrificing … to the point of self-abnegation and burn-out.  And it is the children who end up (in extreme cases such as with my oldest daughter) in the psych ward ~ or else spending years playing catch-up in the process of discovering who they are, what they are like, what they desire, what they believe …

As for the men?

I think Coldplay says it best in their song ~ Viva La Vida:

Discuss this post on the NLQ forum! Comments are also open below.

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by Vyckie

Recently, my friend Heather, who is the pastor at the Salvation Army where I attend church, came over to help with yard work.  As we were pulling up weeds ~ some of which had grown as tall as me ~ my new neighbors, a young couple with a baby boy, came outside to work on their landscaping.

Heather also has young children, and since she’s super friendly, she used the connection as a conversation starter … “How old is your baby?”

“Eight months,” the new mom responded.

Trying to keep the conversation going, Heather added, “I have two kids.”

… which sounded to my ears like an incomplete sentence. 

In my Quiverful Days (Q.D.), whenever we moms of many stated how many children we had, it was always followed by the obligatory, “so far!” 

“We have seven blessings … so far!”

Kind of like the “and Counting” which follows the current Duggar family kid count. 

I told Heather that it sounded so weird to me that she would say, “I have two kids,” and just end her sentence right there ~ it almost sounded to me like someone had slapped a hand over her mouth before she could finish.  After hearing me explain about always adding, “so far!” ~ Heather finished her sentence:

“We have two kids ~ and we’re done!”

Oh ~ the blaspheme! LOL

Discuss this little musing on the NLQ forum.  Comments are also open below.

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by Vyckie

It seems crazy to me now ~ but the thought of divorcing Warren did not seriously enter my mind until three days before I went to my attorney and filed the paperwork.

Even at the height of my exasperation, when I could clearly see that Warren’s behavior with the children was abusive and was slowly, day by day, crushing their spirits and stunting/warping their emotional growth ~ divorce was NOT an option.

Among evangelicals there’s a popular quote from Ruth Bell Graham ~ wife of evangelist, Billy Graham: I’ve never thought of divorce in all these 35 years of marriage ~ but, I did think of murder a few times. 

That was me too.  At one point, I was desperately praying to the Lord for wisdom and direction ~ What should I do?  How can I protect my children from their father’s tyranny and crazymaking?

“Till death do us part …” I remember thinking ~ “Oh great ~ he’s so healthy!  He’ll never die!”  As I was praying, I honestly told the Lord that if death was the only way to end the relationship which was killing me slowly ~ Please, Lord ~ have mercy ~ put me out of my misery and just take me now!

But no ~ that would leave Warren with the children ~ and them without me to run interference to at least in some way mitigate the harm that was being done by their own father.  I told Warren more than once that the way he micro-managed and harassed the kids, he was going to end up a very lonely old man ~ because the minute they had a choice about it, none of them would want to be around him.

“I know it,” he would admit ~ and I could see that he really wanted to change ~ and he was actually trying to change.  Nevertheless ~ for all our wanting and trying ~ nothing ever really changed.

“Lord Jesus,” I prayed silently and with a feeling of great dread in my heart, “I know I cannot change Warren.  You can change Him ~ but it’s such a slow process, a little glimmer of hope here, a speck of encouragement there ~ and in the meantime, he is permenantly damaging the children’s personalities. If You cannot change him in time for it to make a difference for the children, please … just kill him with a quick accident or heart attack.”

The instant I prayed it, I was filled with guilt and shame. I was mortified because, really ~ I did love my husband but at the same time, I wished he was dead.  I felt like a murderer (there’s a verse about that) and I hated myself for even being capable of such evil thoughts toward another human being.

Several months later, my desperation grew to the point that I actually ran away from home.  I went to Kansas City where I hung out at Unity Village (a new-agey church/bookstore/education center which I did not actually consider to be Christian) ~ and that’s where I met an older woman named Shirley who had compassion on me and invited me to stay in her home. 

It was almost an hour’s drive to her place, and during the car ride, I poured out my story ~ only to be shocked ~ yes, shocked!!! to have Shirley tell me ~ almost casually and as though her assessment of my situation was self-evident ~ “It’s time for you to divorce that man.”

A million thoughts raced through my head ~ reasons why divorce was not the answer, alternatives I might try to make it work, perhaps I could find instructions on the Internet for how to slowly poison my husband without it being detectable so I wouldn’t  get caught and sent to prison.

Shirley told me matter-of-factly that not all relationships are meant to last forever.  People change ~ circumstances change ~ sometimes it’s best to move on.  She even suggested that I could let Warren go with a blessing:

“I release you to find your best happiness elsewhere.”

I laughed out loud ~ “You’re kidding me, right?”

I won’t go into the whole story of how I, almost in an instant, made up my mind to divorce Warren on a Friday afternoon, and was sitting at the lawyer’s office filling out the papers the following Monday morning ~ but it turns out, Shirley knew what she was talking about.

I mean ~ painful as it was for both of us, I honestly believe that divorcing Warren was the best thing I could have done for him.  I can see now that, while he was controlling and abusing me and the children ~ it was to the point that I was not really healthy for him either.

I really, really wanted to make it work. I really, really hoped my love for Warren to be enough (as the Holy Spirit enabled me, of course) to help him grow into the mature man of God and loving Christian father that he was meant to be ~ in this way, the Lord would be glorified.

But ~ looking back, I now understand that because of all the pain in our relationship, along with the resentment I felt (though I would not at the time allow myself to admit feeling resentful) ~ we had developed a pattern of relating which was getting us nowhere except burned out and frustrated.

After the divorce, Warren went back to blind school in Lincoln.  He developed a new support system ~ a fresh set of people who were not exhausted from hours and days and weeks and months and years and decades of dealing with him ~ so these friends were able to encourage and support him in a way that I no longer could.  

He began to experience a sense of independence and competence again ~ something which had dwindled away over the years in our relationship.  His renewed confidence made him feel happy and friendly again ~ which worked the opposite of the downhill spiral in which our family had become entrapped.  With his new friends, Warren didn’t feel familiar enough to take them for granted ~ he remembered his manners and allowed for mistakes and misunderstanding.  This in turn, led to feelings of goodwill among his new acquaintances. 

Being knocked off his patriarchal pedestal ~ though a shock at first ~ has made all the difference in the way Warren now treats others.  No one is required by God to respect him ~ he has to earn it and when he doesn’t ~ he is likely to be told flat out to quit being so difficult.

In the brief conversations that I’ve had with Warren in the past two years, I’ve noticed that he is much easier to get along with.  I still avoid engaging in long discussions with him ~ but when we do need to talk because of the children, it’s at least not intolerable and I haven’t had to hang up on him for quite a while.

The kids tell me that they don’t hate their father anymore.  The younger ones actually love him and enjoy spending time with him.  He’s lightened up considerably and makes an effort to be a fun person.

This isn’t to say that he’s all the sudden perfect ~ I still hear from the kids how he drives them crazy ~ but these days, when he goes on and on about non-issues, they do not freeze up and cower in fear of his never-ending tirades.  They’re likely to walk out on him or tell him to take a chill pill.  And amazingly ~ a lot of the time, he backs off.

I was told that recently, the younger kids who are with Warren for summer visitation snuck water balloons out of the house for the express purpose of throwing them at their dad.  The older kids would never have dared!  They younger ones obviously believe that Warren has a sense of humor.  Who knew that about him?

As much as I’d have loved to be the one to “fix” Warren ~ it was not until I gave up that things began to change.  I thought to myself, “It’s somebody else’s turn ~ I’ve put in my time and worked with him as best I could ~ now I need to take care of myself and focus my attention and energies on the children. …

“I release him to find his best happiness elsewhere.”

And that has happened.  I don’t think that Warren’s quite ready to thank me for divorcing him ~ but I do believe he is much happier now than when we were together ~ both of us trying so hard and getting nowhere. If nothing else, we no longer have to worry that he will be a lonely old man whose kids never come to visit because he’s made them completely miserable all their lives.

This is not to say that all abusive husbands can be cured by divorcing them. 

I honestly believe that in the case of Warren and me, it was because we fell into the strict fundamentalist mindset of Quiverfull and patriarchy that our relationship became impossible and abusive.  We had developed an unhealthy manner of relating which, no matter how hard or how sincerely we tried ~ we couldn’t really get away from until we separated and got some distance from one another.

I’m pretty sure that Warren has not yet let go of the idea that the Lord might bring us back together someday.  For my part ~ I hope he finds someone with whom he can start anew and have a healthy relationship.

Lesson learned: It is possible for two people to honestly love each other ~ to sincerely desire a happy, easy relationship which is mutually supportive and satisfying ~ and yet, there may come a point where they are doing each other more harm than good and more communication, trying harder, working together, etc. is only going to lead to more heartbreak, more frustration, more tears. 

It’s so hard ~ because you KNOW that both of you want it to work.  You’re both trying.  And yet …

Since starting No Longer Quivering, I have had the opportunity to talk with many women who have left such unhealthy relationships ~ most reluctantly and only after exhausting all other options.  Never once has one of these women expressed regret that they didn’t hold out longer ~ in every instance, they have told me that they only wish they’d have let go a lot sooner.

If you’re tempted to do a Google search for “how to get away with murder” ~ if you’re calculating how long ”till death do us part” might actually be ~ if you’re secretly fantasizing or, god-forbid, praying that he’ll suddenly keel over and die ~ it’s probably long past time to let go with a blessing: I release you to find your best happiness elsewhere.

Discuss this post on the NLQ forum.

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by Vyckie

1) Worldly parents only have one kid ~ two at the most (and sometimes none at all ~ gasp!) because they are selfish and lazy and cannot be bothered with the responsibilities of parenthood.

2) Worldly parents send their kids to public school because they have been duped into turning their kids over to be brainwashed by secular humanism in Satan’s government-run indoctrination centers.

3) Worldly women only care about chasing after Mammon and earthly glory so they waste their lives making greedy men (to whom they are not even married) rich by their labor ~ which technically makes them whores.

4)  Worldly parents indulge their kids and refuse to train them to be “instantly, joyously obedient” and to honor their fathers because they are guilt-ridden for not caring enough about their kids to spend a quantity of quality time with them.

5)  Worldly mothers are eager to hand their kids over to minimum wage-earning daycare workers who don’t give a rat’s ass about their precious children so they can spend their time shopping, getting their nails done and working out to keep their bodies hot for their worldly husbands who only love them superficially.

6)  Worldly mothers are clueless about nutrition and growing healthy bodies ~ that is why they only feed their kids pre-packaged junk food.  They are more concerned about their kids being popular and “well-rounded” (read: worldly) than they are about their health ~ which is why worldly moms pick up dinner at the McDonald’s drive-thru on their way to soccer practice or dance class almost every night of the week.

7)  Worldly parents park their kids in front of the electronic babysitter for 5 or 6 hours every day so they can sit on their butts in front of the computer watching pornography because they don’t care if their kids’ minds atrophy and they are glad to have their little brats’ heads filled with ideas for cheap plastic Disney toys which they will pitch a fit in Wal-Mart and demand their parents buy as bribes or guilt-offerings.

8)  Worldly parents have learned nothing from the shame and degradation of their own promiscuous dating relationships which is why they believe “comprehensive sex education” will protect their kids from STDs and broken hearts more than insisting on abstinence.

9)  Worldly fathers have no idea what a dangerous place our society can be for women.  They allow their wives and daughters to wear pants or mini-skirts or show cleavage, expose bare shoulders, etc ~ totally shirking their responsibility as men to protect their women from getting raped.  Worldly men whose wives dress immodestly are most likely porn addicts.

10)  Worldly parents consider their parenting job a success if their kids make it to adulthood without getting raped, killed, drug or alcohol addicted, or committing suicide.  Any good thing beyond that is just icing on the cake.

BONUS:  Christian parents who use birth control, do not homeschool, homebirth and run a cottage industry, own a television, send their kids to Sunday School rather than keeping the family together for worship, allow their kids to have sleepovers or date, don’t grow their own vegis and grind their own wheat for bread, or who are okay with the wife wearing pants and makeup or working outside the home ~ are actually Worldly Parents ~ they probably aren’t even really saved and are only using church as a social club with no membership fees.

This post was prompted by a Facebook status update from an old high-school acquaintance, who has no connection to Quiverfull ~ he wrote:

One major problem with our society is that parents are raising boys and girls. They are supposed to be raising MEN and WOMEN!

When I read it, I thought, Wow ~ a person doesn’t have to be Quiverfull to be convinced that every other parent is ignorant and lazy and they’re doing it wrong!!  Here’s what I wrote in response:

Another major problem with our society is that we judge one another and make presumptions about what awful failures others must be in order to feel superior and mask our own feelings of inadequacy.

I say, parents are doing our damnedest to raise sons and daughters to the best of our abilities. The deck is stacked against us and the odds are not in our favor. Nevertheless, very few of us throw in our hands and walk away from the table ~ instead we play out the game with the cards we’ve been dealt.

Later … sometimes much later, we are pleasantly surprised to realize that our kids are the winners.

Discuss this post on the NLQ forum! (And as a Memorial weekend special bonus ~ I’m leaving comments open here for those who would like to rant about this post without joining the forum.)

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NLQ recommended reading:

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

NLQ Recommends ...

'Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment' by Janet Heimlich

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce