Print Friendlyby Vyckie Garrison “Does God Hate Women?” author, Ophelia Benson recently shared a note which was posted on Reddit written by a young patriarch describing his “biblical marriage.” As Bible-believing Baptists who hold to reformed theology, X and I believe that God is sovereign in choosing who will or will not believe in him, having chosen his people before the foundation of the world (see Ephesians 1), and that his selection is unbreakable and irresistible. If marriage is to mirror this principle, we believe that a woman has no right to select a husband for herself, Full post …
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Tea Party Family Values and the World’s Greatest Freak Show
On fundamentalist counterculture & juvenile black market adoption fantasies …
by Vyckie Garrison @ No Longer Quivering
Do you remember when it first dawned on you that your relatives are all a bunch of crackpots and weirdos? Seems like I was around 8 or 9 — my mother worked all night in the casinos and slept most of the day, leaving me alone to protect my naïve older sister from the depraved advances of Mom’s alcoholic boyfriends and worry about my big brother’s drug addiction. I couldn’t count on my grandparents to help — they were too preoccupied with their own divorce, dating, and remarriage dramas.
“Holy sugar,” I thought to myself, “these people are seriously messed up!”
That’s about the time the fantasies began. My home, I imagined, was a three-ring circus — and my relatives were the freaks and the clowns. In my daydreams, I was not really one of them. No — surely, I was of aristocratic origin. My REAL family were royalty in a faraway Kingdom and I was born a beloved Princess in a fancy castle with many servants and my own Fairy Godmother. Somehow, I’d been separated from my blood kin as an infant — I was captured by gypsies and sold in a black market adoption — that’s how I ended up being raised by this group of crazies!
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ABC’s Primetime Nightline recently aired a segment featuring the Gil & Kelly Bates family — a conservative, Evangelical mega-family of twenty. The Bates, who are close friends of JimBob & Michelle Duggar of TLC’s “19 and Counting” fame, hold to the extreme fundamentalist ideals of the growing “Quiverfull movement.”
During the one-hour special, Gil, Kelly, and their children explained the family’s lifestyle which, to all modern appearances, represents a throw back to the imaginary 60′s-style “Leave It to Beaver” family combined with strict, Victorian Era sexual mores and the atavistic gender roles of ancient goat-herders. The Bates eschew all forms of birth control and adhere to the marriage model of the biblical Patriarchs — with Gil as family leader and Kelly as submissive “help meet.” Kelly and the girls adorn themselves in modest, hand-sewn dresses, while Gil and his clean-cut sons teach bible study and participate in local Tea Party politics.
Aren’t they lovely? Don’tcha wanna be just like them?
I sure did! I left home at 15 and embarked on a quest to recreate my long-lost perfect, happy family — my REAL courtly family, where I truly belonged. After a false start involving marriage at 16, a baby at 19, and divorce after seven years of abuse rivaling the most astonishing freak show acts Mom’s circus family had ever performed — I remarried, found a “bible-believing” church, and worked hard within the Quiverfull counterculture to implement the best of the best biblical family values into our home life. I had six more children. I homebirthed, homeschooled, and home-churched. I submitted to my husband and joyfully sacrificed my time, energy and talents to build him up and help him to succeed. I published a “pro-life, pro-family” Christian family newspaper to inform and encourage other Christians to defend “Traditional Family Values.”
In 2003, we were honored as Family of the Year at the Nebraska Family Council’s “Salt & Light” awards. I’d finally made it! I had built my own Magic Kingdom where my husband reigned as King and I was his Queen, the children were our loyal subjects and we could all live happily ever after …
Duggar-bashing
by Vyckie
The comments on Hopewell’s latest Duggar piece are particularly interesting to me ~ especially when compared to the reactions over at Free Jinger ~ Quiverfull of Snark, where the consensus seems to be that Hopewell graded the Duggars way too generously.
What’s important to notice about this article ~ and Nikita’s comment really made this point ~ is that in delineating that very long, tedious 49-point list and giving the Duggar family a grade on how they measure up ~ it really highlights the tremendous amount of legalism, the impossibly high (and often warped) standards ~ and just how unrealistic this Quiverfull ideal is: Not even the Quiverfull Royalty ~ not even practically-perfect-in-every-way (and that’s not snark) Michelle Duggar can live up to the expectations which are held up as the biblical criteria for a truly Godly family.
Christian families can knock themselves out ~ they can try with all their might ~ but they’re chasing after an elusive and unrealistic dream and they’re on the road to burn-out, overload, disenchantment and in some cases, heartache and a crisis of health or loss of faith.
Leaving the Fold
[Note: This piece was originally posted at "Enlightened Life."]
Five years ago, we commenced our homeschooling journey. We were moderate christians, active in church and we believed in our faith wholeheartedly. My 2 oldest were very interested in the solar system and dinosaurs and we spent a great part of that year learning about those subjects. Our approach was purely scientific and secular. I had a few moments of doubt (as a christian) about what we were learning but felt confident that “exposing” them to secular science was a good thing.
As the years progressed and we traveled deeper into the homeschooling world, I was faced with some tough decisions. None of the families we knew were teaching their kids about evolution. When I questioned the literal interpretation of the bible (quietly and discreetly) I was told that we HAD to believe in creationism. We had to study the “facts” and get in line with the bible. So in my quest to belong and fit in, I did just that.
Let’s take a look at how I devolved while I languished in the christian homeschooling world.
Year One, my goals were academic excellence. I identified with the Classical educational approach and I pushed my daughter to do her best (probably too hard but that’s another post). Although I was unsure what I believed, as far as evolution was concerned, I found it perfectly acceptable to “expose” my children to all the ideas and review the facts with them. I had occasional bible verses for the children to memorize and we narrated a bible story or two throughout the first year. As far as culture and “worldliness” we were in the middle. I’d rate us as low on ”legalism”. Spongebob, Timmy Turner, spaghetti straps, bikinis and pop music were all fine with me.
Year two, we joined our local homeschool co-op. During our first year, we met other christian homeschoolers. This was an eye opening experience for me. I was introduced to the extremes of biblical fundamentalism. I honestly didn’t know what to think. On the one hand, I was glad to meet other homeschoolers and glad for my children to meet other wholesome kids but on the other hand, I was horrified at the attitude of these women and the oppressive nature of our meetings and conversations. Examples include, submission to husbands, ”managing” their homes, the evils of yellow cheese, the evils of public school children, and the general unsuitableness of just about anything you can think of and modesty, modesty, modesty.
“Husbands love your wives …” ~ the Peanut Butter in the Patriarchy trap!
My daughter, Berea, has mice in her new apartment ~ and this morning she asked on her Facebook status: WHAT DO MICE WANT?
Answer: Peanut Butter! 
by Vyckie
I’ve lost track of how many times I have been told that the only reason wifely submission did not work out in my marriage was because I was married to a jerk.
Recently, “Karebear” commented: I hope that you two understand that the groups/husbands that you were with were not practicing a Godly lifestyle. The bible does call women to be submissive to their husbands but it also calls men to love their wives …. And, the bible defines love as, not self-seeking, protective, kind ext….
Another reader wrote:
Husbands are commanded to love their wives and this love of a husband is only of value if it is sacrificial, Christ is the example of sacrificial love (Servant King–NOT TYRANT).
Submission of a wife is only a beautiful gift if the context is respect as opposed to fear.
The impression I get (forgive me for speaking out of ignorance) is that your marriage was codependant and that your husband had a weakness for malignant narcissism/Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
So in other words ~ the failure was not in the teachings of Patriarchy ~ but in our practice of it ~ we were doing it wrong. These defenders of Patriarchy assume that I was submitting out of fear and they’re also convinced that Warren never sacrificed for me and the kids.
Let me state plainly that throughout our 18 year marriage ~ I never doubted for a minute that Warren loved me and the children more than himself and that he always put our welfare ahead of his own concerns.
Here’s the thing: Over the years, as we got more and more into the patriarchal mindset ~ our definition of what it means for a husband to “love” and to “sacrifice” morphed into some pretty twisted ideas!
The teachings we learned from leaders such as Jonathan Lindvall, Doug Phillips, etc. led us to believe that the husband loves and serves the Lord as “protector, provider, and priest” or sometimes stated, “prophet, priest, and king” of his family ~ all important aspects of his role as “head of the household.”
In every sermon, book, magazine article, radio interview, etc. which taught about a wife’s submission ~ there was *always* included the admonition to husbands that they “love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her.” WE UNDERSTOOD THAT PART OF THE PLAN!!!
Truthfully~ “Husband’s love your wives” is the part that makes the whole Patriarchy deal seem so bloody attractive! What woman doesn’t want a husband and father for her children who willingly lays down his life and serves, protects, provides ~ a man who fulfills his leadership role with gentleness and competence?
That’s exactly what we all wanted.
“So far …”
by Vyckie
Recently, my friend Heather, who is the pastor at the Salvation Army where I attend church, came over to help with yard work. As we were pulling up weeds ~ some of which had grown as tall as me ~ my new neighbors, a young couple with a baby boy, came outside to work on their landscaping.
Heather also has young children, and since she’s super friendly, she used the connection as a conversation starter … “How old is your baby?”
“Eight months,” the new mom responded.
Trying to keep the conversation going, Heather added, “I have two kids.”
… which sounded to my ears like an incomplete sentence.
When It’s Time to Let Go of an Unhealthy Relationship
by Vyckie
It seems crazy to me now ~ but the thought of divorcing Warren did not seriously enter my mind until three days before I went to my attorney and filed the paperwork.
Even at the height of my exasperation, when I could clearly see that Warren’s behavior with the children was abusive and was slowly, day by day, crushing their spirits and stunting/warping their emotional growth ~ divorce was NOT an option.
Among evangelicals there’s a popular quote from Ruth Bell Graham ~ wife of evangelist, Billy Graham: I’ve never thought of divorce in all these 35 years of marriage ~ but, I did think of murder a few times.
That was me too. At one point, I was desperately praying to the Lord for wisdom and direction ~ What should I do? How can I protect my children from their father’s tyranny and crazymaking?
“Till death do us part …” I remember thinking ~ “Oh great ~ he’s so healthy! He’ll never die!” As I was praying, I honestly told the Lord that if death was the only way to end the relationship which was killing me slowly ~ Please, Lord ~ have mercy ~ put me out of my misery and just take me now!
But no ~ that would leave Warren with the children ~ and them without me to run interference to at least in some way mitigate the harm that was being done by their own father. I told Warren more than once that the way he micro-managed and harassed the kids, he was going to end up a very lonely old man ~ because the minute they had a choice about it, none of them would want to be around him.
“I know it,” he would admit ~ and I could see that he really wanted to change ~ and he was actually trying to change. Nevertheless ~ for all our wanting and trying ~ nothing ever really changed.
“Lord Jesus,” I prayed silently and with a feeling of great dread in my heart, “I know I cannot change Warren. You can change Him ~ but it’s such a slow process, a little glimmer of hope here, a speck of encouragement there ~ and in the meantime, he is permenantly damaging the children’s personalities. If You cannot change him in time for it to make a difference for the children, please … just kill him with a quick accident or heart attack.”
The instant I prayed it, I was filled with guilt and shame. I was mortified because, really ~ I did love my husband but at the same time, I wished he was dead. I felt like a murderer (there’s a verse about that) and I hated myself for even being capable of such evil thoughts toward another human being.
10 Lies I Believed About “Worldly Parents”
Print Friendly by Vyckie 1) Worldly parents only have one kid ~ two at the most (and sometimes none at all ~ gasp!) because they are selfish and lazy and cannot be bothered with the responsibilities of parenthood. 2) Worldly parents send their kids to public school because they have been duped into turning their kids over to be brainwashed by secular humanism in Satan’s government-run indoctrination centers. 3) Worldly women only care about chasing after Mammon and earthly glory so they waste their lives making greedy men (to whom they are not even married) Full post …
Michelle says, Never enough babies!
