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by Journey

When I shut off my brain and became willing to do whatever Mark said, he was delighted. Absolutely delighted. And everything changed. Everything. The first thing he did was give me a list on how I was to clean the bathroom. I had daily chores and weekly chores from him, down to minute details.

I remember the first day I followed his list. I was humiliated. It was as if I was a child again and he was the parent. I told him that, too (in a humbled and submissive way, of course) and he smiled and said, “Exactly. Your parents did a terrible job of raising you when it comes to cleaning, and now God has given you to me so that I can raise you and help you become the way you should be.”

I worked through the humiliation, swallowed my feelings (something I would do daily from there on out) and soon obeying Mark’s whims and will became the norm. There wasn’t really much choice. I mean, every time I didn’t obey Mark, even in the slightest thing, I was in rebellion against God and in league with Satan.

Plus, if Mark wasn’t there to patiently and gently correct my rebellion, my own head would do it, so fearful I was at being the rebellious woman that the prophetic word from God had warned me about. No. I loved God and because of that, I *would* obey my husband and do it cheerfully.

I talked to myself regularly, as I folded laundry, as I did my chores, about how great it was, how wonderful my calling was, how amazing my husband was, hoping to get my rebellious thoughts in check, and, surprisingly, all that self-talk began to work. Cheerful obedience began to become more and more natural and habitual for me.

With my brain shut off, it was pretty easy to keep me in line. Mark controlled everything. I had control ONLY over the things he allowed me to control. He helped me see that it was all for my good. It was only because he *loved* me so much that he was doing it. I was immature, but he was mature. I was not wise, but he was very wise. I was spiritually defective, but he would help me see the light. I actually reached a point where I came to believe these things and more. He would tell me how lucky I was that he had saved me. I actually felt sorry for other women.

Mark said we were going to move to a far away state. I didn’t want to move to this particular state, and I told him so, but that didn’t matter. Mark said we were going to go to the conservative evangelical church a town away. I didn’t want to go there, for a few important reasons (to me), and I told him so, but that didn’t matter.

Mark knew I didn’t, he always knew I didn’t, but he didn’t think that what I thought meant anything…because *he* was right. He was always right. I loved gardening and I loved animals, but I wasn’t allowed to have either.

Most of the time, he would make everything into a moral issue. What he liked was godly. What he didn’t like was sinful. So if I liked something that he didn’t like, I was liking something sinful. Everything was moral. If I didn’t stop at a stopsign, I was immoral. If I didn’t do something just the way he wanted it done, it was a sin. My fearfulness grew in this kind of environment. You just never knew what was going to be declared a crime against God…

[Look for a continuation of Journey's story in a new NLQ story series ...]

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A Tale of a Passionate Housewife Desperate for God by Journey:

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

The God Card by Journey:

• Thoughts On Patriarchal Teachings
• Subordinate but Equal
• Thoughts From The Excellent Wife
• Ask Your Husband

More from Journey:

• Dear Happy Full-Quiverer …
• It’s Complicated: Why It Wasn’t As Obvious As It Seems Like It Should Have Been

………………………………………………………………………………………

NLQ Recommends …

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

NLQ Recommends ...

'Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment' by Janet Heimlich

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

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by dogemperor

My story of how I walked away from Joel’s Army–and joined the survivor community–started, quite ironically enough, with (of all things) Christian heavy metal…because, interestingly enough, it was my first major experience in how coercive groups operate by telling their members a thousand little lies to create a culture of fear.

To make a long story short, when I was eleven both the Sunday school I attended (at an Assemblies of God megachurch which I would eventually discover some 24 years later was one of the fifteen most influential churches in the United States of what was then known as “Joel’s Army” and which has since rebranded as “Elijah’s Army” and the “New Apostolic Reformation”–and which was at the center of a poorly-documented pre-Brownsville “Toronto Outpouring”-style Third Wave event in the 70s and 80s) and televangelists we’d watch in the household before and after church started condemning Christian rock–and they made the mistake of condemning the band Stryper in their missives as “satanic”.

For those who remember the 80s, yes, this is the same Stryper that literally named itself after Isaiah 53:5 (“By his stripes we are healed”), the same one that wrote of Jesus as “The Rock That Makes Me Roll”, the same one that held altar calls at their concerts and tossed out Bibles to the crowd. The very Stryper that was the very EPITOME of Christian metal at the time (and the best-known by far, because they actually got airplay on secular metal stations and MTV’s Headbangers Ball among other things–probably the very reason they were condemned, in retrospect).

Yeah. THAT Stryper.

The claim was that they were Satanists, that all Christian metal was “Satanic” because it used a “rock beat” (in which case I was incorrigibly doomed; I hated and STILL cannot stand the majority of the pap that passes for “Christian contemporary”, and have a similar allergy to “new country” because a great deal of THAT is “Christian contemporary” with slide guitar). And being levied against bands that I knew DAMN WELL weren’t Satanic even according to their claims–they were doing the same stuff but in a far more listenable (IMHO) manner!

That, right there, was the first little crack in the wall for me–my first loss of innocence in finding that supposed men of God could be manipulative and even lie to their members.

And little did they know that–ironically–perhaps I’d either learned or developed a bit much of a sense of personal morality in that even I could tell that such things weren’t right.

. . .

The next crack–and the one that really started tumbling things down–was two years later, after I’d literally ended up on an adolescent psych ward as the direct result of trying to be a good little “God Warrior” as a kid (resulting in alienating myself from pretty much the entire public school body, eventually spending my time in the principal’s office the majority of the time, ultimately being referred to a psychiatrist, and ultimately (post-monthlong-vacation for depression at the age of 12) seeing more psychs and attending a special school for kids with emotional disturbances; I was FINALLY diagnosed nearly 20 years later correctly with complex PTSD resulting from religiously motivated child abuse).

At aforementioned school, I had a rather unusual teacher–among other things, she’d take Amnesty International literature to class, she’d listen to heavy metal (Iron Maiden, as I’d find out eventually, was a personal favourite of hers), she’d tell bits of stories about international goings-on that weren’t heavily covered even in international media (I first learned who Mangosuthu Buthelezi of the Inkatha Freedom Party in South Africa was from her–most people have never heard of him outside of SA), was a card-carrying member of Americans United, and generally did her best to make her kids think.

In other words, the very sort of teacher that would have the average “Christian Homeschooling” and Joel’s Army “Joshua Generation” circles requiring entire truckloads of adult diapers if they contemplated said teacher getting near their kids. (I consider myself very lucky in that regard that correspondence-schooling of the sort now common in NAR circles was not yet the “new hotness” in 1986. I know all too well how things could have ended differently.)

Anyways, shortly after I got her as a teacher, the PMRC (which, as it turned out, pretty much had Tipper Gore as the sole non-dominionist on the board; it promoted abusive “behavior modification” facilities run by Bob Larson Ministries that claimed to “de-metal” and “de-rap” kids, which claimed the Nike symbol and the peace sign were “satanic symbols”, and which are now themselves seen as abusive cult-like groups by experts) got a spot on a national news show essentially claiming the whole modern music industry–especially metal–was out to corrupt kids, and the old dominionist claim that Ozzy Osbourne’s “Suicide Solution” was in fact telling kids to off themselves was trotted out.

Teacher–and much of the student body–were LIVID about this. Teacher, bless her soul, decided to make this into a civics lesson and organised a letter-writing campaign to the creators of the news program (ABC’s “20/20″)…and brought along her own copy of “Blizzard of Ozz” to the school, with the lyrics on it.

I argued this with the teacher…and she noted that the lyrics said NOTHING about kids killing themselves, and she’d offer to show them to me.

I accepted (I really didn’t want to create a scene and possibly get demerits)…and what I read can be best described as Impromptu Clue-By-Four Therapy By Brummie.

I discovered that “Suicide Solution”, of note, not only did NOT state a darned thing about telling people to kill themselves, but (of all things), was actually giving a message that my teetotaler church would wholeheartedly endorse if they weren’t so busy condemning Ozzy Osbourne as a devil worshipper:

Wine is fine, but whiskey’s quicker
Suicide is slow with liqueur
Take a bottle, drown your sorrows
Then it floods away tomorrows

I was shocked to find that–of all things–the song was stating alcoholism was a “suicide solution” to life’s problems.

That–and the later discovery, offered by the same teacher, that the Equal Rights Amendment said not a thing about lesbians or merging the Scouts but only mandated equal treatment on the basis of sex–was the thing that first REALLY breached the wall for me, let me see that Outside was not such a horrid place–and that the wall had been maintained by a series of little lies.

It was this that originally inspired me to go into anti-censorship activism.

. . .

The third link that finally knocked it all down came in stages.

The first knock was finding a book by the Simon Wiesenthal League which talked about historical and modern anti-Semitism–including that which was promoted by televangelists my mom still listened to, and groups I knew had close links to the church I ultimately left. (Ironically, the church’s very theology made me quite amenable to arguments by groups like the ADL and Simon Wiesenthal League; the church was heavily Christian Zionist, even stating to never disagree with the Israelis even if they genocided the entire Palestinian population. This eventually led to an exception of “Except when they want to block out Joel’s Army missionaries who want to convert them to “Messianic Jews”; then they got accused of having Satan “Harden their hearts”. In all other ways, though, there was a weird near-idolatry of “God’s Chosen People”.)

I attempted to argue this with my mother at age 16, when a televangelist she watched pulled up stuff about the “Bildebergers” and “Trilateral Commission” secretly controlling the world economy (racialist groups often use these as codewords for “Jews”), and ended up with an impromptu neopentecostal “exorcism” and being harangued about how I was going to hell for two hours–especially when I noted my sense that not all televangelists were really men of God when the “Thou shalt not mock a man of God” line was trotted out.

This was my first experience with “cult mentality”, but would not be the last.

The thing that honestly brought it home to me that I HAD been raised in a coercive group came in the early 1990s, when I was involved in communities trying to reduce network abuse on Usenet (a largely-dead predecessor to web-based chat forums that ended up being wrecked largely by spammers in the same way email is being wrecked nowadays). There was quite a controversy about abuse occuring on alt.religion.scientology in particular; Scientologists were engaging in some fairly massive network abuse (including fake cancel messages, flooding the group with garbage posts, and even attempts to sue web hosts and services that allowed anonymous posting to Usenet to shut them down) and ex-Scientologist walkaways (who were using the group as a support forum before the Scientologists started attacking it) posting informational material like the super-secret scriptures they charged for, warning signs that a groupmwas coercive (showing how Scientology met the criteria), etc.

I decided to look to see what was going on (my anti-censorship curiosity was piqued)–and went through several of the “warning signs” checklists.

And was utterly and completely shocked to find that not only did the church I was still forced to attend match each and every criteria that Scientology hit, but even a few warning signs the Scientologists didn’t. (Keep in mind that at this time, outside of possibly Australia and the abuses going on at International Church of Christ and Maranatha, there was very little documentation of “Bible-based” coercive groups outside of a very few exit counseling groups–including, ironically, one that the Scientologists eventually sued into bankruptcy for the purpose of a hostile takeover.)

Shortly after this, the same program that fell for the “Satanic Panic” hokum in 1986 put on a program about documented coercive activity at the “Brownsville Revival” in Pensacola, FL (a very well known “Third Wave” Joel’s Army revival that actually sparked the formation of several new NAR denominations and paradenominations). The church I escaped from was livid; I saw this as confirmation I was onto something.

Later on, more info came out from the now-defunct Institute for First Amendment Studies–including the first walkaway forum for ex-dominionists. On most other walkaway communities, though (and this would remain the case until the early 2000s, when much more info would start coming out about abusive practices within the Australian A/G in particular) there was still the bias of “Oh, it’s just an oddball”, or “Oh, it’s just one bad apple”.

This shut me up for a while…until 2004.

. . .

During this period of walking away, I’d been forced to confront some uncomfortable (at the time) facts about myself–this came to a head at a friend’s house, when a good friend (who I consider adopted family, to be honest) worried about how they were going to come out to their rather Catholic parents as bisexual.

I told them I envied them that they’d ever have that chance–that to do such a thing would be, literally, taking my life into my hands.

They asked why.

This led to a two-hour talk (complete with some breakdowns into tears) of what I’d experienced growing up–including kids being outed, “exorcised”, and then forced into “Christian mental hospitals” where they were held prisoner until they converted.

I was told by all assembled that I Needed To Write About This; an acquaintance of one of those attending (who now is a very good friend and Adopted Family) had started a new forum on Livejournal to talk about what was called then the “religious right”–one of what would turn out to be multiple successors to the old IFAS, including not only Dark Christianity but talk2action.org, the Association of Former Pentecostals, and–ultimately–this forum itself as well.

I haven’t stopped writing…only now, it’s not just because of myself.

It’s because of someone I know whom, in a sense, Bill Gothard–one of the major promoters of “Quiverfull” stuff within the circles I grew up in back at the church I walked away from–murdered by killing his soul.

. . .

I am lucky I grew up when I did; it’s much worse for kids growing up in that now.

You all might have heard of one of those kids about two years ago–Matthew Murray, who shot up a Youth With A Mission post and a portion of New Life Church in Colorado Springs (and killed several people) before he committed suicide by gunshot to his head.

What was never publicised well–outside of forums like Dark Christianity and Talk to Action, at least, until a chapter on the story appeared in Max Blumenthal’s recent book “Republican Gomorrah”–was that the Youth With A Mission post was in the Assemblies church he grew up in, which was a hardcore Joel’s Army church of the sort portrayed in the movie “Jesus Camp” (which I still cannot watch without the hooboo-jeebies–in part because I was “Jesus Camped” as a kid).

What was never publicised is that his mom was a hardcore believer in Bill Gothard’s system of coercing kids and families, as was his pastor–and when he showed the first signs of questioning, he was literally isolated from everything save the Internet and referred to “Christian counselors” rather than legitimate psychiatric professionals.

What was never publicised is that this isolation meant his only chances for “escape” were essentially from the frying pan into the fire–particularly Youth With A Mission, which is a Joel’s Army group that is almost universally considered a “Bible-based cult” by experts in abusive groups.

What was never publicised is that, for months before he went on his rampage, people on the Ex-Pentecostals forums begged him to seek help–and he refused, in part because he was convinced he’d just end up with another “Christian counselor” who would throw him right back into the pit of abuse. (He was so spooked at this, in fact, that he even refused the help of an exit counselor. I can relate–after a lot of failed psychotherapy in my teens, including a family therapy session with my folks after I’d told the psychiatrist I was afraid if I told him about the abuse I was suffering in front of my parents that I’d be abused worse, I pretty much refused to see therapists until early 2004 when I had a near-crippling PTSD flare that scared me enough to seek mental help. Fortunately, THIS time I knew what to say to the GP to get an appropriate referral.)

He tried–but ultimately he was never able to escape the Culture of Fear, which now has built a very high wall indeed for walkaways to surmount.

Much of why I write is because I know that–had I been born a few years later, right when “Christian homeschooling” was catching on and the trend was accelerating to isolate kids almost entirely from the non-dominionist community–I’d have likely been in a very similar situation, and I can’t say I wouldn’t have snapped either.

I also know Matthew Murray isn’t the only one that this movement has destroyed like this. Most of the time, the suicides and the destroyed lives don’t take others out with them.

But that’s why I write and why I fight. I don’t want to see anyone destroyed like that again.

. . .

And it’s precisely this why this community in particular gives me hope–even with the entire parallel society that these groups have set up to isolate their members and keep them in a Culture of Fear, there ARE still people who escape. Sometimes alone, sometimes with their families, but they’re escaping and not going completely mad in the process.

And–just as important, probably a bit more important IMHO–they know they aren’t alone in this. Others have gotten out and survived and are going through culture-shock of their own as they learn to adjust–or re-learn–to Outside.

The more that people speak out, the more people know they aren’t alone–and the more likely it is they can realise something is Broken and can begin the process of finding the cracks in the wall.

I can say that–in my own case–the discovery I grew up in a coercive group and the later exposes of abusive treatment in the group I escaped from did make me realise I wasn’t alone and that this was a pattern; that this was something that was not normal and not right.

The more we tell our stories, the more the evidence gets out and truth is spoken to power.

It’s people like you–the survivors, the ones who vaulted the wall and are escaping the Culture of Fear that all coercive patriarchial groups set up–it’s you folks who are honestly my heroes.

You prove it’s possible.

Congratulations to you all–you’ve earned it. :3

-dogemperor

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………………………………………………………………………………………

NLQ recommended reading:

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

NLQ Recommends ...

'Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment' by Janet Heimlich

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

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by Vyckie

Throughout my labor with Hazelle ~ yes, that long horrible, absolutely miserable 4th pregnancy and delivery ~ I kept thinking that, while I really did not want to have another c-section delivery, I wasn’t exactly excited about going through labor and delivery either.

I would often say to anyone who might be listening (usually my sister, Sandy), “There’s got to be another way …”

When my water broke, I was so exhausted from all the complications of that pregnancy combined with eight days of flu ~ all I wanted was to sleep. I really could not get it in my head that, if I didn’t want the baby to be delivered surgically (as her three older sisters had been), then I was going to have to be the one to push her out.

Oh … but I was so tired.  There had to be another way.

Of course, there was no other way ~ and after 24 hours of unproductive labor at home, I was transferred to the hospital for a fourth cesarean section.

A few weeks after I returned home with my new baby, I got a phone call from Sandy.  She was laughing so hysterically that I could hardly understand her words as she told me that she had been watching her favorite show, Star Trek ~ and she just had to call and tell me about this female crew member who had been abducted and impregnated by an alien creature.

When she was returned to the ship, an ultrasound showed that the baby had spikes running all the way down its spine ~ and the doctor declared that there’s no way this baby could be delivered “the usual way.”

Sandy was expecting that the doctor would perform a c-section ~ there are after all only two ways to deliver a baby right?  Not in TV land.

Instead of reaching for a scapel, the doctor contacted the transporter room ~ and instructed that officer to “beam the baby out.”

“That’s what you were waiting for,” my sister told me, “You were hoping that someone would beam the baby out of you!”

Well ~ it is a good idea. 

If they ever do invent that sort of technology, it ought to be required that every maternity ward come equipped with a transporter and crew.

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NLQ Recommends ...

'Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment' by Janet Heimlich

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

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by km

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Most everyone has heard by now about the Blackwater corporation (recently renamed Xe due to bad PR) and the staggering criminal enterprise that it has perpetuated in the name of the U.S. War on Terror.  Even such farcical news establishments as Fox have been unable to ignore the veritable shitstorm that has erupted in the wake of the Bush administration over Xe’s unholy alliance with the United States government.  One thing that has not been widely reported, however, is Xe’s Dominionist allegiance, up to and including the fact that its former CEO—and now chairman—Erik Prince, is the biological heir apparent to the U.S. Dominionist community.  

The son of Edgar Prince, whose family fortune funded such early Dominionist organizations as the Moral Majority and Focus on the Family, Erik Prince grew up hobnobbing the wealthy and powerful of members of the Dominionist Christian Right.  Always his father’s son, Prince left his White House internship with the George H.W. Bush administration because he felt that it was too secular—and too liberal.  Influenced by the politics of RJ Rushdoony, Prince felt that it was wrong for White House officials to have any contact with LGBT and feminist groups, including run of the mill lobbying meetings and focus groups. 

Throughout the years, Prince has maintained his Dominionist credentials, reaching out to the Catholic church while remaining a political ally and close friend of the mostly-Protestant Dominionist Right.  As a converted member of the Catholic faith, Prince is now a member of the Knights of Columbus, an organization dedicated to Christian conquest and inquisition that traces its roots to the crusades.  He also maintains active involvement with the Dominionist Family Research Council, a far-right organization which his family started.  Renewed by a commitment to his new faith community, Prince is literally a Christian crusader with an iron sharp focus on advancing Dominionist political goals. 

Nowadays, Erik Prince is arguably the most powerful Dominionist in the world, controlling the world’s largest and wealthiest mercenary army.  Blackwater’s complicity in the criminal torture of U.S. war prisoners has been well-documented for several years now.  Recent allegations of employee intimidation, threats of violence, and involvement in sex trafficking lend a further sinister glow to the organization’s already-disastrous “service” to the Pentagon. 

Even in the midst of the shocking allegations of murder as a means of dispensing with whistleblowers, it is important to keep in mind is that the United States government remains Xe’s most lucrative customer.  Indeed, the degree of legislative outrage that led to a ban on funneling government money to ACORN has never been directed at Xe in response to its far more serious offenses.  Whatever else it has done, Blackwater/Xe has made one thing crystal clear: When they have the power and resources to achieve their goals, Dominionist Christians aggressively promote a dark, oppressive, and horrifically violent future.  Such, it seems, is their New Jerusalem. 

___________________

Biography: NLQ forum member, ”km” is a graduate student and activist who knew lots of Quiverfull families while growing up in the American South.   Having flirted with the movement as a young adolescent, she is now a little bit obsessed with unrooting its stranglehold on the American political system and keeping what remains of church/state separation intact.

NLQ Recommends ...

'Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment' by Janet Heimlich

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

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by hillary

When Jesus Weeps—The Parable of She

“Break her will,” they said

and broken, She

weeps silently.

But sometimes She forgets

how to weep at all . . .

The Girl-Soul sighed deeply and rubbed her eyes. Such a long road, her way, filled with pebbles and holes and scary places. I need to stop soon, whispered heart. Shoulders burned with tension. The lumpy bag of rocks She carried banged against her legs; purple bruises crept up skin. But I can’t give up now; I’m almost there!

Anticipating a grateful smile from the Giant and Grandfather, She pressed up the ancient path. Why they needed heavy rocks, She did not know, yet vowed to bring the best She could, and labored night and day, without rest, food, or water, to gather them.

But at last! The Girl-Soul mounted final peak. As the Giant came forth, a smile crossed her weary, grimy face.

“Here they are,” She sang. “I chose the good ones! I washed them in the river so they’d shine. Can I take them to Grandfather?”

The Giant grunted as he untied the sack and dumped its contents into dust. Eternity passed while he bent and studied every line, every facet. The Girl-Soul waited, dryness clutching throat. “Can I rest, then?” She asked, bones aching with weariness.

. “This is a good start,” the Giant said, and straightened, kicking the edge of the largest rock. “I will take these in. You know Grandfather will only take what I bring him. Go back down and see if you can find more of these big ones.”

“But . . .” The Girl-Soul’s heart sank, eyes watered.

Her hesitation enraged the Giant. “Grandfather needs the big, strong, heavy ones! There is no excuse for the flesh!”

Tears flowed. If only he knew how sore, how tired She felt! “Please,” She pleaded. “I will go in the morning. I’ll wake up early, before the sun. But I have not eaten in days; I am so thirsty, so tired . . .”

The Giant glared at her tiny trembling frame. “Don’t you want a place in Grandfather’s house?” he roared. “Don’t you want him to be happy with your rocks? I am teaching you to do your best, so he will be satisfied! You should thank me, yet your rebellion disgusts both me and Grandfather. Now, GO!”

He pushed her little body towards the descent.  She fell, knees catching on the pile of rocks, skin bursting open. As the Giant stood back with cold, steely eyes, the Girl-Soul shivered, sobbed, and crawled in blood and dust back into the Valley.

_________________________________

For women raised within fundamentalism, it is extremely difficult to recover from the brutal realization that sometimes, home is not safe.

That those whom we love most, trust most, and need most, aren’t safe.

The worst part is when we learn that God isn’t, either. At least, the god who left us wounded, angry, confused, heartbroken, and exhausted, and made us trudge over mountains, arms loaded with bags of rocks.

One thing I love about Vyckie and No Longer Quivering is her commitment to build a haven for the oppressed.

A refuge for those seeking solace.

Rest, for She.

As we are gently guided home, may we recognize truth: when the broken grieve, Jesus weeps.

Please join me in support of this crucial work.

Hillary McFarland

quiveringdaughters.com

Quivering Daughters: When Jesus Weeps —True Stories of Women, Authoritarianism, and the Fundamentalist Life

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NLQ Recommends ...

'Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment' by Janet Heimlich

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

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by Arietty

In the last months of my marriage I was gradually coming out of the fear laden fog that had been my life in fundamentalism. Now that I had internet access I would find myself reading more and more things written from a non-Christian perspective. I had joined a few forums based around interests I had but spent more and more time reading the off-topic threads. I was often blown away by how much grace some of these people showed in flame wars or contentious discussions, how much humility they had towards their own beliefs. Wasn’t grace “our” word? It was at first disturbing to learn so much from people who did not follow Christ but after a time I grew used to it and found myself more and more willing to look for wisdom and kindness in places other than my own backyard.

There were several people on the forum who called themselves Taoists. After I got over being fearful of this word I got interested in their discussions about a book called the Tao Te Ching. There was one translation and commentary in particular that they got a lot out of and I was intrigued because it was so utterly different than anything I was used to. One day my husband announced that we were all going camping with a bunch of other homeschoolers at someone’s country property (another great building-my-own-house for 10 years family). Well I knew what that would entail, me setting up all the tents, cooking all the food, washing all the dishes and all the while looking out for 6 children while my husband stood around with the men and talked about how wonderful he was. Maybe I would even get to hear his testimony again as he dragged this increasingly bloated tale out every time he was around anyone new. I was at this point so deeply burned out that I could not imagine going through a whole three days of this and I point blank refused to go. My husband was forced to go on his own with 5 of the children (I am sure all their needs were met by other moms there as happened any time he went somewhere solo with them). I and the baby had THREE WHOLE DAYS at home in peace.

On the first day, when my husband would be driving and unable to call me I took the baby into the city and went to a, *gasp*, Esoteric book store. I was very very nervous. The whole store smelled of incense and there was newage music playing that the fundamentalist tape in my brain reminded me was demonic. It was very peaceful and there were all kinds of people of all ages sitting around quietly reading on cushioned benches. I found the book that I had read about, bought it (with cash of course) and left. As soon as I was out of there I threw out the bag that had the store name on it and stuffed the book into my diaper bag.

Once home I started reading. There was the poetry type stuff which was the actual Tao Te Ching and then there was the commentary. I could not for the life of me understand any of it. People had been reading this thing since before Christ but it was just a mystery to me. Here were the poems.. very charming if vague observational pieces. Here was the commentary elaborating on what the poems might be saying. But.. but.. WHERE were the instructions?? How did my forum friends become Taoists without a book of instructions to follow? Gradually an understanding came to me that life and beauty was not necessarily governed by rules that could carefully followed to insure the approval of God. That maybe viewing every choice in every moment of the day as the following of instructions was stultifying in the extreme. That maybe there was another way to have a relationship with God that was not all about the ticking of boxes.

I have not traveled very far down the road of a way to have a relationship with God that is not based on ticking boxes. Really I’ve only pottered about with the idea. Because I’m no longer driven by fear to pursue spiritual interests I am able to just let it languish, let the ideas come to me now and again. It is totally different from my frenzied pursuit of righteousness while a fundamentalist. Maybe in another ten years I will have something wise to say about it.. or maybe not.

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More from Arietty:

• Looking Back: My Family 10 Years on From Fundamentalism
• From the Library of Martyrdom ~ Part 1: How I was called to give up that which I did not have..
• From the Library of Martyrdom ~ Part 2: How I was called to give up that which I did not have..
• Things I Loved and Why I Really Loved Them
• My Secret Desires: Lust Behind the Modest Denim Curtain
• No-Win Scenario #2 ~ If you stay you lose, if you leave you lose ~ No Winning Allowed!

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What’s NLQ Carnival Days, you might ask? It’s arguably the most awesome idea for blog promotion that I’ve ever seen, and while every blog we blogroll is worthy in its own way, No Longer Quivering is one to which you ought to be paying attention, as the teabagger lunatics take over the Republican Party. Vyckie of NLQ started the blog to tell her story of her “escape” from the Quiverfull movement.

The problem with Quiverfull isn’t in its advocacy of large families, it’s in its view of women, and in questions about just how much “free will” is involved with women who become embroiled in its clutches. Kathryn Joyce wrote about Quiverfull, and about Vyckie, back in March, and what emerges is a picture of something akin to any other cult, which presents to troubled young people a sense of belonging, of meaning, of something important, as well as providing a rigid structure that so many troubled young people lack in the chaos of their own families. Cults prey on these kids, and Quiverfull appears to be no different as it lures young women into its web.

Jill Cozzi

Brilliant at Breakfast

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by Erika

Attending a church for 3 months that was mostly made up of disgruntled ex-Amish and ex-Mennonites was 3 months too long. My parents were enamored with the “perfect family” persona that the church gave off.

When we arrived at the church, we were surprised that the church was segregated by gender. Women on one side with their little girls and nursing babies. Men on the other with the young boys.

We had always done things as a family and my parents weren’t keen on having our family separated in the church. They insisted on having us sit as a family. Because the church regulars sat in the segregated style, there wasn’t anywhere else for families to sit together except at the back of the church. We were told that if we wanted to sit as a family, it would need to be in the back on the hard fold out chairs. The padded pews were reserved for those that would segregate themselves from their families. It felt as though we were put in the back of the church on hard chairs as a punishment for not conforming.

It was interesting to note that the families that sat at the back also didn’t wear the “right” headcoverings and didn’t dress in the typical cape dresses of the Mennonite culture. We had heard from other families that when they came to the church, they were once at the back like we were. Over time, they adopted the dress and head covering style and eventually went to the segregated sides of the church. It was as if it was a conspiracy to make sure that all of us “family sitters” were put back there to see the way it was “supposed to be” from behind. Like sitting in the segregated sides of the church was something we had to work toward and attain.

It seemed like the loyalists at the church just brought their Mennonite and Amish bondage with them and just put a new name on it. They traded one set of shackles for another.

We may have only been there for 3 months, but it was 3 months too long.

Erika’s Stampin’ Mama Blog

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by Journey

Another problem, a major problem, but one that I felt so guilty for, was that my husband was seeing another woman, and that woman was the Bible. Mark was obsessed with the Bible. I remember feeling so guilty for hating the Bible because, you know, a good Christian shouldn’t hate the Bible, right? Here I was, at Bible College, and casting dirty looks at the Bible. I felt like it was no different from him taking a lover, or being an addict, because he would read it non-stop.

He didn’t want to eat dinner together. He would come home from work and class and then go into our spare bedroom and study the Bible until late into the night. I would lay there at night and quietly cry, feeling so guilty for being jealous of the Bible. Shouldn’t I be grateful for such a spiritual giant of a man?

Talking with him would never help. He would explain why it was all my fault, and I would believe him, and then feel worse. That was how all our talks always ended up. As the years went by, I would just stop trying to talk about problems at all, except when they finally burst out 2-3 times a year.

It was never Mark’s fault. It was always mine, and usually directly due to some spiritual flaw in me that needed corrected. Mark wanted the kitchen bleached down every single night, for example, and that fact that I didn’t want to do that was a moral flaw in me, not anything wrong with him. It was always my fault, always some flaw in me that only he could see, that only he could fix. I was so lucky to have him. Or that’s what he said.

That first year, I didn’t buy it half the time. Half the time I did, half the time I was sure he was full of crap, even though I was totally confused and didn’t quite understand why, but my gut said that something was really wrong, and I was still a strong enough person to listen to my gut and had enough strength to at least mutter quietly in my head that something was wrong.

So I was slowly gearing up the strength to get a divorce, scared in that I was pregnant and never imagined in a million years that I’d be divorcing Mark, but at the same time, I was quietly seething towards him, and beginning to think about figuring out how to escape (even though, at the time, I thought that only proved how awful I was, since I had yet to realize that what he was doing to me was wrong).

This was when Mark had a major “word from the Lord.” He informed me that he had something very important to tell me, but that he wouldn’t tell me until our “meeting,” which he scheduled for the next day (giving me time to fret, worry, stew). This was also normal: if Mark wanted to talk, which was rare, he would do it on his time table and expected me to be submissively waiting until that time. Always, control. Always.

The next day, at the appointed time, we sat down at the table together. Mark told me that God had revealed something to him, something very important, and that he was in mortal fear for me. I looked at him, quietly furious, disbelieving, just so tired of it all.

That was when he broke down. I looked across the table in shock as he sobbed and sobbed, deep moaning cries, and shared with me that my soul was in danger of Hellfire, that God had shown him that I was in deep rebellion, that “rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft,” and that if I didn’t make a decision to obey the Lord, there was no telling what would happen to my soul.

He went on and on. About halfway through his speech, I began to melt. The sobbing man across the table from me was so earnest. I’d never seen Mark like that in all my life. He wouldn’t be like that if it wasn’t true…right?

Oh my gosh. What if it *were* all true? I began to cry, too, as he tearfully shared that God had shown him that he was to be the leader, that he hadn’t been the leader he should have been, but that he was repenting for that now and was going to take charge of our relationship, and that if I wanted to belong to God, I had to get behind him and do what he said, no matter how small.

Long story short, I bought it. I didn’t at first, but Mark was so earnest, and I never once thought he would lie to me. And, after all, I had been feeling all those confusing feelings, struggling with anger and hatred towards my husband and yet not understanding why. Wow. It was rebellion, the very worst thing of all, the thing that made Satan into Satan. I went from anger to doubt to full-on fear and then I began to cry and I promised God that I would follow Him, and if following God meant obeying my husband, that I would do that even if it killed me.

I look back at that time as the Day I Shut Off My Brain. It is exactly the kind of thing that happens to people who join cults. There’s a term for it that is escaping me at the moment, but it’s what happened. It’s the day your brain flips a switch and you shut off your critical thinking capabilities.

That day the ability to think was shut off and after that, I just blindly obeyed. I *had* to. God said so, and my soul was at stake (or so I thought).

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A Tale of a Passionate Housewife Desperate for God by Journey:

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

The God Card by Journey:

• Thoughts On Patriarchal Teachings
• Subordinate but Equal
• Thoughts From The Excellent Wife
• Ask Your Husband

More from Journey:

• Dear Happy Full-Quiverer …
• It’s Complicated: Why It Wasn’t As Obvious As It Seems Like It Should Have Been

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by Hopewell

Recently in blog land there has been a good deal of discussion over whether daughters should be sent to college and prepared for careers or if they should be trained to be keepers at home and remain in their parents’ home until marriage. A lot of prayer and thought has gone into these posts.

The Scriptural Authority for daughters remaining at home seems to be found here:

3 “When a woman makes a vow to God and binds herself by a pledge as a young girl still living in her father’s house, 4 and her father hears of her vow or pledge but says nothing to her, then she has to make good on all her vows and pledges. 5 But if her father holds her back when he hears of what she has done, none of her vows and pledges are valid. God will release her since her father held her back. 6 “If she marries after she makes a vow or has made some rash promise or pledge. (Numbers 30:3-6, The Message)

I must be just plain stupid, but I don’t see how this really relates to keeping a young woman from a life of her own. As I have said in the comments I’ve posted in response to some of these posts, I fully, 100% respect their right to pray for such a life for their daughters, to desire such a life for their daughters and even to plan for such a life. HOWEVER, unlike many of the parents out there who have been strongly influenced by Bill Gothard and ATI/IBLP or Vision Forum or similar organizations, I do not presume to know what course my wonderful daughter’s life will take. God, on the other hand does know:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Jeremiah 29:10-12(The Message)

I try to imagine the vanity and pride that lead parents to boast so knowingly of what God has in store for their daughters! (Especially when their daughters are not even teenagers!!) Show me where the Bible says “sit home and do your folk’s housework and let the world pass you by.” I understand that I am exaggerating this for effect! Yes, I know that those young ladies are “free” to do Christian works, needlework, run a business from home [apparently after her father has approved it.] Good grief! In Proverbs 31 We are told of a very industrious, business-minded woman—not a timid wife who waits for a man to hand her a “to-do list” for the day!

I laughed when I saw how Discovery had “repackaged” the Duggars to make them seem more “mainstream.” Each of the big girls has a stated “career” goal. Except the joke is on Discovery—the girls each named one of the very few “occupations” open to them via ATI/IBLP and Bill Gothard. I’m all for girls being nurses or midwives or hair stylists—if that’s their choice. Not if it’s the lesser of the evils available to them.

The notion that a young woman today can grow up so totally sheltered that college could jar her out of her well-honed beliefs is scary. Yes, Scary. If we as parents have done our job in “training up our children” then there reaches a point where they must try LIFE. Go out and live “in the world” but not become “of the world.” I totally applaud recent efforts to encourage modesty, abstinence and general good manners. It’s about time on all of that. But saying that a young woman could be harmed by a “godless boss” tells me her parents didn’t bring her up with enough “street smarts.” Or that she needs to run home and ask Daddy before she makes a decision–what kind of helpless ninny do you want her to be?! Parents like this haven’t let their daughter have the kind of formative experiences that let her test God’s love, protection and guidance. No one sees a Godless boss or College as necessarily harming to a young man—as long as he is in college to learn to support a family!

The whole issue of “oversheltering” Christian kids is part of what gives us as a group a bad reputation among the unchurched. Along with discussions that appear idiotic from the outside [such as “Trick or Treating is just fun” or is it “Devil Worshp?”) the whole idea of cocooning our kids at home with only their siblings [ala the Duggars] looks to the rest of the world like a Freak Show. It puts off seekers, too, who fear they will never be “Perfect Enough” for any Church—let alone for Eternal Life.

Today I came across an excellent discussion of this problem of oversheltering our kids here:

http://www.crosswalk.com/blogs/PCoughlin/11557947/

How can a young woman carry out the Great Commission if she is to go no further afield than the house she grew up in? How will she be a defender of her faith if she never meets anyone outsideof that faith?? Sorry, folks, but I want more than this for my daughter!!! I know our lives on Earth are but a blip on the eternal radar and cannot come close to the joy we will all find in Heaven, but I want more for her!!!!

God has blessed my daughter not only with deceptive charm and fleeting beauty, but also with an excellent BRAIN! I would sincerely hope she would rebel with all her might if I tried to foist such a life on her!! How many daughters raised to be purely “Keepers at Home “ will rebel—in harmful ways??? I’d be interested in how many MySpace and Facebook profiles are made by kids who have chucked Mom and Dad’s beliefs for what they see as “Freedom?” How many single Moms out there are raising kids alone because their parents tossed them out for having sex [and embarrassing them]? How many will enter gay unions to spite their parents? How many girls will unnecessarily suffer depression and withdraw from life from having boundaries meant for a toddler imposed on them when they are young adults? How many will become stereotyped as “old maiden aunties” from not circulating widely enough among their own age group to find a suitable husband? How many will not marry because of the exalted standards imposed by the most high-minded of “courtship only” parents? How many will cut their hair and flee and ditch their Biblical names for something more worldly that lets them hide? Even the Amish acknowledge rebellion is often necessary to becoming fully accepting of God’s dominion over all.

What I fear most in all these homes is an undercurrent trying to move us as Christians to a Theocracy—a “Christian State.” “What’s wrong with that?” A LOT. We in America are freer to express ourselves than anywhere else on Earth. We SHOULD praise God for that freedom. I don’t want to go back to a mythical place in time in which supposedly women happily submitted in all things to her husband, gave him all her earnings or property and her vote, to spend her life having child after child whether she wanted them or not. Should a woman truly choose this then FINE!!! But, don’t raise girls thinking this is all they can have!!!

I also have a problem with legalistic dress codes. I don’t “get” that either!! I know we are not to dress as men and vise-versa. Still, why are skirts to your ankles and big blouses the only acceptable garments? Swimming in a jumper and blouse?? Give me a break!!! And how come men can’t just keep their own thoughts under control—why is it the fault of the woman????? Why not just wear Burkhas and have our 11 year old sons drive us like in Saudi Arabia? Why not unite with Saudi Arabia and keep women away from all men not in their own families!! I lived in a country where the dictator ordered women only to wear long skirts. Guess what—you can do most things just fine in a skirt. Except flee an attacker. Surely modesty and decency are possible in other forms of attire as well. We don’t all dress like hookers even if we don’t wear a long skirt.

So, uber-legalistic parents, I don’t believe you when you say you “know” what your daughters lives will be!! I do know that right now, at age 11, my daughter has excellent plans:

To be a Bearcat Cheerleader!!
To be a hair stylist and nail lady
To work at this while going to college (and part-time afterwards)
To be an art teacher and artist
To drive a VW Bug convertfble or a PT Cruiser convertible
To write Christian Music
To get married and adopt children!

She’d like to teach in a Christian School and does not plan to move out on her own—she knows Christian Schools pay poorly so she plans to teach and live with me! I’m 100% behind this plan because

1. She Chose it!
2. I know her plans will change often in the next 7 years or so!

Obviously, she will have a tough time getting married though with no father to approve her choice! [Don’t get me going again!!!]

I expect some of the flames I get for this to be the temperate or the recent wildfires. Mind you, these are my own opinions. In America you are still free to have your own as well. Let’s keep it that way!

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More from Hopewell:

A FULL QUIVER OF INFORMATION [my information only site]
Personal Blog

Read all posts by Hopewell!

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