Print Friendly

by Vyckie

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. (Romans 12:1)

For the past week and a half, NLQ has been presenting the excellent material in Tapati’s Body Image Workshop.  As I’ve read through the posts and all the related comments on the NLQ forum, I’ve been thinking about how the Body Image issue is incredibly relevant to No Longer Quivering and the stories here of women who’ve left the Quiverfull philosophy and lifestyle.

In theory, virtuous Quivefull moms do not have body image issues.  I say this because, of course, there is no “you” in qivering ~ in other words, QF women are taught not to think about ourselves, our bodies, our issues.

About 10 years ago, I attended an Above Rubies retreat in California taught by Nancy Campbell.  The theme verse for the weekend was Romans 12:1, which Nancy had us memorize ~ with special emphasis on ”that ye present your bodies.” 

While acknowledging that moms of many face some special challenges physically, Nancy encouraged us not to regard our bodies as our own personal property:  our bodies belong to Jesus ~ He paid a very dear price to redeem us from eternal destruction ~ and in so doing, the Lord set an example of the sort of self-sacrificial love which we were to have towards God, our dear husbands, and our precious children: a Christ-like ”in the flesh” sort of self-sacrificial love.

Presenting our bodies as a living sacrifice was our “reasonable service.”  In giving over our reproductive lives to His service, we could not claim to be extraordinary Christians ~ no, we were only doing our duty ~ our reasonable service. 

So that’s the theory.

In practice, it’s a little more complicated because, try as we may (and QF moms do try harder perhaps than any other Christians) to take up our cross ~ to remain on the cross and not shrink back from a life of self-sacrificial love ~ we cannot escape the fact that bearing all the pregnancies and deliveries which the Lord sends our way is extremely hard on our bodies. 

No matter how faithfully the husbands carry out their part of the patriarchy deal ~ loving their wives as Christ loved the church ~ caring for her as he does his own body, no matter efficiently QF couples train their older daughters to serve Christ by serving their families ~ thereby working mother ”out of a job,” no matter how carefully QF moms follow a healthy diet and supplementation program, the repeated wear and tear of half a dozen or more pregnancies does eventually take a heavy toll on the bodies of QF women.

Here’s the really shitty part which has been bugging me lately as I’ve been considering Tapati’s body image ideas:

It seems that QF women who’ve presented their bodies as living sacrifices to God ought to have an incredibly positive body image.  These women have lovingly served their Lord, their husbands, their children ~ the very Kingdom of Heaven ~ with their bodies: and they have the stretch marks, saggy breasts, flabby bellies, and c-section scars to prove it. 

I mean, there’ve been songs written about the scars on Jesus’ hands and feet ~ visible evidence of Christ’s love which He reportedly still bears even in His resurrected body.

At the very least, QF moms’ bodies are worthy of respect and adoration on par with the Lord’s pierced hands.

So it really pains me when QF women disparage their grand-multipara bodies with comments similar to what Wendy Jeub expressed on the Secret Lives of Women, Born to Breed episode:

“Here my brother shows up for a surprise visit, and I look completely out of shape, and overweight.  And I did not like that at all.”

Okay ~ what the hell is going on in the mind of a woman who has given birth to 15 children and then feels embarrassed and miserable because she’s gained 50 pounds? 

In some religions, they’d erect a statue of Wendy Jeub in all her plump naked glory and worship this hardy woman’s staggering fertility.

The thing is ~ QF women cannot really say, Yes ~ this is screwing up my body and is slowly killing me.  Such an admission would be very poor PR for the Quiverfull message that babies are a blessing ~ because along with the blessing of abundant children comes the implied (and often, frankly stated) consequent blessing of health and prosperity.  You trust the Lord in this area of your life ~ joyfully receiving all the children He chooses to bless you with ~ and then watch and see how faithful He is to supply adequate provision for your ever-growing family.  After all, “I have never seen a righteous man forsaken nor his children begging for bread.” 

The idea is that if the Lord has deemed a couple worthy of His special blessing of children, He can also be counted on to ensure the health of the mother ~ He did say, “My yoke is easy, my burden is light.”  So ~ if a woman accepts the Quiverfull conviction, and subsequently suffers ill health, is that not a sign that her practice of Quiverfull is legalistic and works based?  She’s doing it in her own strength, obviously.

And so, QF women grin and “bear it.”

Quiverfull moms present their bodies, they sacrifice their bodies, they crucify their bodies, they buffet their bodies, … but they cannot love their bodies ~ in any sense of the word “love” that you care to use.

After ditching the Quiverful martyr-mentality and leaving the lifestyle, I have thought quite a lot about the body which I’d surrendered to the Lord, but now have chosen to reclaim as my own.  This body of mine has been through 10 pregnancies and delivered 7 living beings ~ 5 of them via c-section.  So, yeah ~ it’s “out of shape” (actually, it is in shape ~ the shape of a prolific mother) and in pain and I feel old and decrepit. 

BUT ~ considering everything ~ I have to admit that my body is pretty amazing.  I have a strong, powerful, resilient body ~ a survivor body which has served me admirably even though I (or rather the Lord, whose body it was) pushed it well beyond reasonable limits.

Yes ~ this is me!

About a year after leaving, I did a boudoir photo shoot as a way of reclaiming my body for me.  I had gone from denying my body, to hating it ~ eventually, I learned to accept it (this was much easier once the chronic pain disappeared) ~ and now, I want to embrace my body and even love it for the way it has so faithfully carried me through my life when it so obviously could have given up on me years ago.

I’m so jealous of Tapati’s wonderful nude image in which her big Gaia belly is the whole earth.  I try to imagine my own belly ~ which has been repeatedly stretched out and then shriveled and now flabbly hangs over my too-tight, perpetually itchy cesarean scar ~ not as a humiliatingly ugly thing which disgusts me ~ but rather, I picture it as a cultivated field which, over the years, has been ploughed under, seeded, fertilized, and has produced abundant harvests which have enriched its owner (that’d be ME ~ sorry, God ~ too bad, Warren) sevenfold.

Here’s the image of my post-QF belly which I’m carrying in my head these days.  Thank you, body ~ for all you’ve been through with me ~ and for the wonderful children you’ve produced.  I honor you.

Discuss this post on the NLQ forums!

NLQ Recommends ...

'Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment' by Janet Heimlich

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

Print Friendly

by Tapati

I remember the lines. You remember the lines. Team captains dividing us into the more or less worthy as we stood waiting for our doom. Nervous laughter accompanying some of the choices. The smell of perspiration pervading the gym as tension mounted and fewer of us remained to be chosen. No one wanted to be last. It was embarrassing enough to be among the last few. We would sell out our best friend rather than be chosen last. We promised God anything if only we would not be last.

Sometimes the worst happened, and I would be the last one chosen. In that position I was supposed to act “cool,” as if it didn’t really matter to me. Over time, from this and other similarly humiliating experiences, I learned to conceal my emotions almost totally. What I still haven’t learned is to reveal my emotions–even to people I love. I learned the lesson all too thoroughly that at any moment my feelings might be used against me: any show of vulnerability brought inevitable attack and ridicule.

Years later, as an adult, I still face versions of “the lines” when I am in public. Most recently–and blatantly–when I began riding the bus to UCSC I soon noticed that I was the last person people would sit by as the bus filled up. At first I thought maybe i was paranoid. But day after day I watched as people consistently avoided sitting next to me until there were absolutely no other seats available. One day people chose to stand rather than sit by me. When finally a person (most often another woman) did sit beside me, they often turned outward to face the other side of the aisle.

I cannot feel natural when I’m in this situation. My throat tightens until I am almost incapable of speech. I hardly dare to breathe, and my entire body tenses with the effort not to touch the other person or take up too much space.

What, I wonder, do they fear–these people who avoid sitting beside me? Do they fear contagion? Guilt by association? Might others suspect them of collaboration? Or am I supposedly so disgusting that they can hardly bear to be that close to me, and dare not risk touching me lest I rub off on them?

What is this crime I am guilty of? What kept me from being chosen for teams and causes people to avoid me on a crowded bus? What condition could be so vile that otherwise polite and courteous people will not speak if forced by circumstance to share a seat?

My crime is that I am a fat woman in America–for in America that has indeed become a social crime. Our only redemption is to be perpetually starving fat women. Then we are permitted to exist (although strangers, not knowing we are suitably starving, may still not sit by us). If, however, we do not stay on probation (diet), and choose to eat normally–especially in public–the harshest penalties and judgements are directed our way. The rationale goes something like this: we take up too much space, use up too many resources, and are just plain selfish. Also, we’re lazy or we would have exercised ourselves thin by now. Naturally, if we cared for ourselves we would have become thin, so we must also suffer from low selfl-esteem. We must be shamed into dieting for our own good. Few question either their assumptions about us or whether dieting is beneficial.

If it is a social crime for women to be fat, for men it is a misdemeanor. In spite of our efforts as feminists to change our position in society, we are still supposed to be decorative, whatever other qualifications we may possess. Men continue to be judged more by their accomplishments than by their appearance, although certainly the media “hunk” is gradually changing this.

Nevertheless, it is women who bear most of the burden of looksism and fat-phobia in our society. While fat women receive the harshest penalties for not conforming to the standard of thinness, most women do not feel that they fit the stringent qualifications for beauty in this culture.

For this reason I no longer fool myself into thinking would be bursting with self-confidence if I had not grownn up fat. I grew up believing that all thin women had life easy and must realize how fortunate they were. During the last few years, however, I’ve discovered that they are nearly as insecure as I am. Even those few women who have achieved the ideal body are not secure, as they fear that only through constant starvation and exercise can they keep it.

As I listened to other women in body image classes talk about their own strained relationship with their bodies, I realized that this is an issue that affects every woman in America in a profound way. That women are the primary contributors to the $33 billion a year weight loss industry is powerful evidence of the fact. Imagine if American women put that money into ourselves, the environment, or the feminist movement!

In the past few years, I have started down the road towards making peace with my body. Rather than seeing her as merely an object that I-the-mind must control, I view her as a person I am developing a relationship with. I no longer starve or abuse her. In return, she has shown me that she has many abilities I had never thought to discover, and is capable of experiencing pleasure I had never dared dream of. I am beginning to approach her with some affection, and our relationship improves daily.

Still, I must coexist with her in a world that hates us both–her for being fat, and me for allowing her to be. It takes only a moment on a bus to bring me back to the feelings of two decades ago, in a school gym class waiting to be picked for a team. So I work to create a world where anyone would be proud and grateful to sit beside me on the bus. For I am fat, and I am not going away.

This first appeared in Matrix Women’s Newsmagazine in 1991.

Tapati McDaniels is a freelance writer who started a forum designed to meet the needs of former Hare Krishna devotees at http://www.gaudiya-repercussions.com.

She is working on a memoir and her personal blog can be found at http://tapati.livejournal.com. 

Discuss this post on the NLQ forum!

NLQ Recommends ...

'Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment' by Janet Heimlich

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

Print Friendly

by Tapati

The Model: Five years ago I would have laughed at the suggestion I might be doing nude modeling for an artist. Nothing could have been further from my mind. I was only beginning to work on changing my body image. I was just beginning to appreciate my wide hips, powerful buttocks, smallish breasts, and round belly with its network of stretch marks like ribbons of fine silk. The only parts of my body I had always liked were my blue-green eyes and my soft, thick brown hair.

It was a major step just to go to a beach or a pool in a swimsuit. First I had to know that I deserve access to the water just as much as any thin person. Then I had to use that knowledge as a shield when I ventured out in my bathing suit. I met shocked stares and the occasional rude remarks, but it was worth it to be in the water again. Still, it took a lot of work.

Early in my exploration of body image, I did a series of visualizations with body image educator and hypnotherapist Ruah Bull. The first visualization involved going inside a house–representing the self–and finding the “body room.” I was to enter and take note of what I saw and how I felt about it. The first time I did this exercise, I could not see anything but pitch blackness. It was too scary, this body room. I could not confront it.

Months later, after much work with Ruah, I was able to see into the body room. I saw a room that was much more pleasant than I had expected. It was homey and welcoming. Ruah asked me what changed I might like to make, if any. I said that the windows needed to be bigger to let more light in. When Ruah asked what that meant to me, I said that I wanted more freedom to wear clothing that was revealing, such as shorts and swimsuits. I was tired of being expected to hide myself away.

Years later, I unexpectedly found myself posing nude for an artist’s sketch. I had been swimming with friends in a mountain river, dressed in shorts and a top. I found a natural seat formed by a projection from a cliff wall and sat on it to rest. Everyone remarked that I looked like a mythical Earth goddess and wished someone had a camera. Our host, artist Heather Lee, decided to run home and get her sketch pad.

Excited, I thought about how the sketch might look and decided that I could not imagine a goddess wearing shorts and a top. All of the fat goddess figures I had seen were unclothed. I decided to risk posing nude. I figured that if anyone came down the trail we would hear them long before they could see us, and I would be able to duck into the water. I was surprised to find myself getting as excited about skinny dipping for the first time as I was about being sketched.

My friends giggled with me as I undressed, knowing that this was out of character for me. Heather began to sketch me, and I encouraged my friend Rebecca to pose with me, on the seat just below mine.

The resulting picture of us helped me view myself in an entirely different light. Although I had placed images of large women all over my house for years as part of my work on body image and had learned to find them beautiful, I somehow had not quite seen myself in the same way. Something about seeing myself in a drawing, looking as regal as any woman in a Renaissance painting, changed me. I knew I had to find ways to model again, and I knew I was no longer satisfied with having only pictures of other women on my wall. I wanted artwork of myself there as well. I had come far enough in my recovery from self-hatred that I valued my image as I increasingly valued myself.

Because Heather seemed so eager to do the first sketch, I believed she might be willing to sketch me again. We had originally met through a discussion group on spirituality on the campus of the University of California at Santa Cruz. I knew her well enough to know that she was a feminist who believed in fat acceptance, so I felt comfortable sitting for her. She had also complained that only thin women volunteered to model for her art classes. She wanted to draw larger women, but it seemed the fat women did not feel comfortable enough to sit for a classroom full of strangers. I couldn’t imagine myself sitting for strangers, either.

So I contacted Heather, and we discussed a regular sitting schedule. My primary motivation was to obtain images of myself for my work on self-acceptance. Heather could not afford to pay a model. So we agreed that I would take some of the finished drawings of myself as compensation. As I saw that both artist and model were getting something valuable out of the sittings, I also began to realize that we can’t very well criticize modern artists for not providing enough large images of us if we aren’t willing to post for them. Judging from the images I’ve seen in Radiance, more and more of us are beginning to model.

My confidence in my beauty has grown at a phenomenal rate since I began modeling. This body that was despised and laughed at in the high school shower room, this body that I was afraid to show to lovers, this body that people have jeered at in the streets, is lovingly appreciated by the artist who spends so much time gazing at it. I remember asking Heather if there was anything I needed to do to prepare for our first sketching appointment. She replied, “No, just don’t change your body between now and then!” What a different message from what I’d been hearing all my life!

The sessions took place at my apartment in the family student housing complex on campus. I was a little nervous the first time even though Heather had sketched me the previous summer. I made sure the blinds were closed, and then I undressed. I didn’t really know what to expect. What if she wanted me to hold a position that was difficult for me? I nervously asked her how she wanted me to pose. Heather immediately assured me that any position I found comfortable would be fine and that I could take a break any time I needed to.

I figured that lying down would be the most comfortable position possible, so I stretched out on the couch. Heather sat cross-legged on the floor and began her sketch. I’ve always been fascinated by artists and their work, so I watched as she made the lines and curves that gradually came to resemble, more and more, my body. I have trouble drawing even a stick figure, so her work seemed like magic to me. I think my awe of the process helped to take my mind off of my nudity; I don’t recall being self-conscious after the first few minutes.

Heather seemed a little frustrated that she didn’t get my whole body into her drawing, but I thought it was wonderful. Our spirituality discussion group just happened to meet at my place right after the modeling appointments. Heather would be putting the finishing touches on a drawing as people arrived. Fortunately it was a very open-minded group of students, who had learned to admire the fat goddess figures of earlier ages. So they too would contribute to my positive body image as they admired the drawing of me. It was a heady experience, again directly contradicting the kinds of comments I had usually heard about my body. In terms of my “body room” visualization with Ruah Bull, I was definitely letting the light shine on me. In fact, it was a spotlight of attention and validation.

Ultimately, that is what changing body image is all about. We fat people learned to hate our bodies based on messages from people around us, as well as images from the media. If we are to unlearn that, we have to surround ourselves with new images and people who will reinforce our positive self-image. The old memories will never be erased, and we will be re-exposed to fat hatred in society, but we can turn out attention away from those negative messages and focus on the message of self-acceptance and love. It takes time, but it does work.

I have discovered that lurking beneath my shy exterior is an exhibitionist. I have also sat for a friend who sculpted me. She later gave me the sculpture as a present, to add to my growing collection of art with myself as the subject. I can’t wait to see how I might look in other mediums or portrayed by other artists. I guess I’m hooked on the excitement of seeing my body as a work of art. Heather made greeting cards out of some of her drawings of me. I go to the local bookstores now and see myself happily naked revolving on a greeting card rack! People I’ve never me know what my body looks like–and they’ve appreciated it enough to buy these cards! It’s a curious kind of celebrity, but one that I’m enjoying immensely.

I suspect that somewhere inside each of us is a little girl dying to be noticed, and being sketched, sculpted, or painted is a kind of concentrated attention that most of us rarely get for long.

I have resolved to seek out other artists by advertising in a local feminist paper. I specify that the artist must be “fat positive” and “anti-dieting.” I interview artists over the phone before I decide to sit for them. I also prefer female artists, because I feel too self-conscious sitting for men. For women who are interested in posing, I recommend finding friends to sit for first. Failing that, design an ad listing your specific needs. If you feel you are up to it, local colleges or adult education classes may pay you to model. But you are less likely to get copies of sketches that way, unless you get to know some of the artists and negotiate with some of them.

In making your agreement with an artist, be sure to decide how many pictures you will want for yourself and who gets to choose them. I suggest that you choose half of your “payment” and let the artist select the rest. That way, each of you will have some of what you want from the total. It’s also a good idea to put your agreement in writing to avoid confusion later.

If you find that you are not ready to do nude modeling, you can start by modeling clothed. The process of changing your body image can’t be rushed. You need to honor yourself for having the courage to confront your body image and for having the wisdom to let that happen at its own pace. Trust yourself. There will come a day when you are ready to take new risks, either the risk of nude modeling or some other risk that will be right for you.

I salute all of those beautiful large women of all shapes, colors, and sizes who are discovering their beauty and sharing it with the world. I hope to see many more of them, in all sorts of artistic and media images. Maybe someday there will be so many images of us in public spaces that the sight of us in bathing suits at the beach will be unremarkable, and we will be free to enjoy the water in peace.

Published in Radiance: The Magazine for Large Women in the Fall 1995 issue. Radiance has since gone out of publication.

Tapati McDaniels is a freelance writer who started a forum designed to meet the needs of former Hare Krishna devotees at http://www.gaudiya-repercussions.com.

She is working on a memoir and her personal blog can be found at http://tapati.livejournal.com. 

Discuss this post on the NLQ forum!

NLQ Recommends ...

'Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment' by Janet Heimlich

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

Print Friendly

by Tapati

This assignment is meant to be interactive. It is a guided visualization followed by discussion or journal writing. You can handle this either by having someone read it to you, going slowly enough for you to visualize, or you can record it and then play it back for yourself. Before you do the visualization exercise, please start by getting into a comfortable position and relaxing with some slow, deep breaths. The concept for this exercise originated with Marcia Hutchinson although I am writing this version myself. You should check out her book, Transforming Body Image, for this and other wonderful body image enhancing activities!

You are walking along a path through a beautiful and serene wooded area, relaxed and enjoying the day. You come to a clearing and see a house before you. Take a moment to really look at this house, and notice that no one is there at this time. Go up to the front door, which you will find unlocked, and enter.

Notice your feelings as you explore this house and its furnishings. How does it seem to you? What are the furnishings like and what do you think of the decor? What is your sense as you walk through, is the house formal or relaxed in design, how would you describe the furniture?

As you walk down a hall you notice a closed door with a plaque. You can read the plaque when you get closer. It says “body room.”

Pause for a moment in front of the door. Notice how you’re feeling as you stand there. Put your hand on the doorknob and open the door.

Take a few steps inside and look around. What do you see? Take a snapshot with your mind’s eye so you can describe it later. Notice how you feel about this room and the items inside. What kind of furnishings do you see? How would you describe them to someone else? What kinds of windows or light are inside this body room? Look outside a window and notice the view. Walk around and see this room from all angles so you can remember it clearly. If there are chairs or a sofa, sit down and see how they feel. What kinds of activities can you imagine doing in this body room?

When you have thoroughly explored the room you can leave and go outside, heading towards the beautiful wooded path on which you arrived. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly, feeling relaxed and refreshed. When you feel ready, open your eyes.

~~~end visualization~~~

Write down what you saw and felt or tell the person assisting you if you’d prefer. You could also record your impressions in the same way you recorded this guided visualization.

Once you have your description of the house and the body room, you are ready to think about how it relates to the actual body you live in and your feelings about it. Over time, if you repeat this exercise, you may find that the body room changes entirely! That happened for me, as you will read about in my old article about how I came to be a nude model for an artist.

Tapati McDaniels is a freelance writer who started a forum designed to meet the needs of former Hare Krishna devotees at http://www.gaudiya-repercussions.com.

She is working on a memoir and her personal blog can be found at http://tapati.livejournal.com. 

If you like, you can return here to share whatever you feel comfortable about sharing.

NLQ Recommends ...

'Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment' by Janet Heimlich

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

Print Friendly

by Tapati

1) Make a list of ten things you would do if you really loved your body. Pick one and start doing it now. As you progress you can choose other things from the list. This is an especially powerful exercise for those women who have been waiting to do nearly everything “until I lose those pounds.”

2) Create a support system of friends who support you in loving the body you have now. You may find that your circle of friends shifts as you seek out people who are supportive and leave behind people who won’t accept your limits on negative body talk or diet propaganda. This requires a commitment to yourself–you realize that you deserve acceptance and won’t settle for less.

3) Surround yourself in your own space with positive images of women in various sizes, colors and shapes. This reminds you that real women represent a delightful variety, not the narrow range shown on TV. Pay special attention to images that resemble your own body type. An inexpensive way to do this is to purchase cards at a book store or stationery store with pictures from art of the past and present.

4) Talk back to your TV! Don’t passively let those images sink into your brain, contradict them. This works for sexism of all kinds as well as racism and other forms of oppression. Instead of lapsing into a hypnotic state in which you accept everything, consciously reject the ads and the fat jokes.

5) Write letters to networks if something particularly offends you. This can be as simple as a post card, which you have pre-stamped and ready to send so you can act immediately. Past experience has shown that this is highly effective.

6) Write a letter to your body. This may sound silly, but for many women this has been the first time they ever communicated with their body in a way that didn’t involve simply responding to pain. This also allows you to stop viewing your body as an object that you must control, instead seeing her as a person you are becoming friends with.

7) Insist on informed consent if you do decide to diet or receive plastic surgery. Find out just what the risks are and make a conscious choice. You deserve access to this information and doctors or diet program providers should be willing to give it to you. If they don’t, ask your self what they are hiding.

Be willing to seek information on your own and continue to attend workshops or events that support you in your effort to take care of yourself. Healing from negative body image is a long process and will require reinforcement and work in many different ways.

9) Set limits with critical people, including relatives. You aren’t stuck with relatives who persist in verbally abusing you–you have the right to limit their access to you, cut it off totally, or build a support system to help you deal with rare visits. You can also insist on having no diet talk in a workplace or other shared environment. You can have supportive friends do role plays with you to practice setting limits.

10) Read books on body image. In particular, Marcia Hutchinson’s book Transforming Body Image is filled with exercises and guided fantasies that have worked well for other women.

11) Be patient with yourself and realize that healing your relationship with your body takes time. Don’t see this as one more thing you must do perfectly.

Challenging the Standards

1) Commit to changing the narrow standards so every woman can feel good about her body. When we fight for something, we value it more, so this also has an immediate impact on our self esteem.

2) Promote legislation that insures our access to quality health care and informed consent, as well as quality control or licensing for people who sell diets or other weight loss methods.

3) Build alliances with others who are oppressed, and be a good ally yourself by challenging offensive comments or jokes.

4) Join in political action, pickets, boycotts, etc., that fight the hold of the diet industry, media and others who continue to thrive on our negative body image.

5) Support the addition of height and weight to employment non-discrimination policies.

6) Write! Write letters, essays, novels that challenge the Harlequin stereotype, short stories…we need new images to replace the old, new myths to live by. Those who have the talent, use it!

7) Like the personal changes, political change takes time and patience. Over 100 years ago, women first gained access to higher education. Now we take for granted our right to go to college. Change does happen, but not without lots of time and hard work. Avoid burnout, pick a level of political action that you are comfortable with and can sustain over a long period, rather than short, intense involvement that exhausts you. Set limits with coworkers in any activist group you join, so that you don’t end up carrying the show. If you can stuff envelopes once a month, fine, that’s preferable to two months of overwork followed by years of avoiding any involvement at all. If a lot of people do a little work we will do much better than if a few chronically tired people try to do it all. If you can’t give time, give money.

Visualize the society we want to create. It is this vision that will sustain you as you make both personal and political changes.

Imagine a world in which no young woman feels she must diet, or vomit, herself thin. Imagine a world without anorexia. Imagine a world in which no woman ever feels guilty about enjoying food (and every woman has enough food for herself and her family). Imagine a world in which beauty contests are obsolete, and instead scholarship awards are based on intelligence and accomplishment. Imagine a world in which women’s bodies are never compared to each other or judged on their size, color, features, hair, disabilities or height, but instead are appreciated on their own merits. Imagine a world in which every woman enjoys movement for its own sake rather than as a weight loss method, and are free to wear bathing suits in public–where they are admired rather than ridiculed. Imagine a world in which starvation replaces eating as a sin. Imagine a world in which you do not rank your body as you enter a room full of women. Imagine stomach stapling being perceived with the same horrified reaction that stories of torture provoke. Someday we shall tell stories to our granddaughters that they will hardly believe, just as we can hardly believe that women couldn’t vote, own property or attend college.

ONCE YOU’VE IMAGINED THIS NEW WORLD, CREATE IT!

Tapati McDaniels is a freelance writer who started a forum designed to meet the needs of former Hare Krishna devotees at http://www.gaudiya-repercussions.com.

She is working on a memoir and her personal blog can be found at http://tapati.livejournal.com.

Discuss or ask questions about this project on the NLQ forum!

NLQ Recommends ...

'Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment' by Janet Heimlich

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

Print Friendly

by Tapati

This one can be a quick brainstorm for most of you–it’s the second step that will take more time.

Make a list of ten things you would like to do if you had your ideal body that you aren’t doing now. Most of us do have a picture in mind of what our ideal body would look like–plus or minus x pounds, minus the scar, with a little more or less height, younger/older, different hair or features–and we imagine we’d be more confident and take more risks or do different things if we looked like our ideal image.

In the case of illness or loss of certain abilities this can be more challenging, of course. There are literally some things you may not be able to do.

Step 2 is to pick one off the list and do it, and continue on down the list. As I said, that may be more complicated if you are ill or have become disabled. You may still be adjusting to things you really used to do and just can’t any more. You may have to look at the spirit of each thing and see if you can come up with a new or modified activity that has that same spirit.

Perhaps you have adjusted to what you are able to do but hold back because you worry what people will think of you. A good example of this is the nurse with the prosthetic leg on the show Hawthorne who is afraid to start dating.

Maybe you need to take baby steps. In the above example, this nurse might start by buying a dress that reveals her legs, even the lower half. She might wear it around her home and get used to feeling exposed. Eventually she might wear a dress to a staff party or out with a friend or group of friends. After awhile, she might finally get up the nerve to go on a date. Dealing with fear is tricky and baby steps can help you adjust a little at a time to the risk you are taking.

You can write your list down on paper or share it here if you’d like. You might find your list overlaps with the lists of other women. Maybe you can offer each other support in tackling it. Perhaps your real life friends would do this exercise with you and you can work on doing these things together.

Some things I remember from my original list were to swim and dance in public. I do remember that I worked through my list and it led me to places I hadn’t even thought of. For instance, I went skinny dipping with my girlfriends and enjoyed a public hot tub–nude. Both experiences were very affirming and enjoyable and not at all scary, but I’d never have guessed if I hadn’t started with my list and gotten used to swimming in a suit where others could see me. Eventually I worked up to being a nude model and I have some of the art from those sessions.

So put a toe in the water, so to speak, and come up with your list!

Tapati McDaniels is a freelance writer who started a forum designed to meet the needs of former Hare Krishna devotees at http://www.gaudiya-repercussions.com.

She is working on a memoir and her personal blog can be found at http://tapati.livejournal.com.

Discuss or ask questions about this project on the NLQ forum!

NLQ Recommends ...

'Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment' by Janet Heimlich

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

Print Friendly

Body Image Playlist

by Tapati

Beautiful by Christina Aguilera

Mahbootay by Laura Love

Video by Indie Arie

Girl Next Door and Imperfection by Saving Jane

At Seventeen by Janis Ian

Why do you love me? or Bleed like me by Garbage

Crazy by Simple Plan

Unpretty by TLC

Perfectly Flawed by Otep

Fat Boy by Bizarre

Baby Got Back by Sir Mixalot (ok, yes this is funny but those of us with large butts were really happy to have a veritable anthem!)

Tapati McDaniels is a freelance writer who started a forum designed to meet the needs of former Hare Krishna devotees at http://www.gaudiya-repercussions.com.

She is working on a memoir and her personal blog can be found at http://tapati.livejournal.com.

Discuss or ask questions about this project on the NLQ forum!

NLQ Recommends ...

'Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment' by Janet Heimlich

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

Print Friendly

by Tapati

Write your body a letter–and allow your body to respond.

I would suggest doing this regularly. You can also apply this technique to any particular body part.

It sounds so simple–and yet it yields so much if you really open yourself up to a dialog. It is modeled after the empty chair type exercises psychology has utilized for years. Can’t talk to your deceased relative? Write a letter or address them in an empty chair or at their grave site. It’s the same principle.

Of course your body is another part of YOU. Yet it is possible for different parts of you to have a dialog. Don’t you do this all the time when you are deciding whether or not to exercise, eat well, or buy that expensive item? We like to imagine the little angel and devil on our shoulder, but it’s really just ourselves talking to ourselves.

You’ll be surprised–I bet–by what your body has to say.

You can choose to share this with the group or not, as you choose, but please at least let me know how it went for you and if you have any questions.

If there is a particular body part you’d like to talk to, one you have the most trouble accepting, it helps also to offer some positive attention to that part of your body. A little extra lotion, a massage, a new garment, something nice. When you take better care of it you might find your heart softening a little. I went so far as to pose nude for an artist friend with my posterior end in full view, and now have a huge drawing on my wall from that viewpoint.

Here’s my current example, done right now in real time…my issues are more around my heart health and migraines these days as you can see–

Dear Body,

It’s been awhile since I last talked to you. How’ve you been? I know I’ve been pushing you hard this last week. Did I forget my meds? I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to!

I am trying to get more rest. Don’t you think we’ve mostly been eating pretty good?

I’ll work on it!

–Tapati

Dear Tapati,

I know you try but you have forgotten my meds at times and remember our membership at the pool starts back up this week. I’m depending on you to get us there! I know this workshop is important and the carnival’s going on and your grandsons needed you but I’m pretty fragile here so don’t forget me!

My heart is stressed and I’m fighting off a migraine along with this cough. Slow down and rest up! You know you want to!

You don’t want to make me send you pain as a warning sign and I don’t want to do that to you either.

Truce?

–Body

Dear Body,

You’re right, I know, you’re right. I promise I will get to the pool and take my meds and get some rest.

Truce!

–Tapati

Tapati McDaniels is a freelance writer who started a forum designed to meet the needs of former Hare Krishna devotees at http://www.gaudiya-repercussions.com.

She is working on a memoir and her personal blog can be found at http://tapati.livejournal.com.

Discuss or ask questions about this project on the NLQ forum!

………………………………………………………………………………………

NLQ Recommends …

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

NLQ Recommends ...

'Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment' by Janet Heimlich

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

Print Friendly

by Tapati

Years ago as part of my body image work I went on a “recovery from dieting” program. My relationship with food was a mess after years of crash dieting and growing up in a family of crash dieters. Foods were all divided into strict categories of good and bad, and I associated the “good” foods with starvation diets I’d been on, and the punishment and deprivation I’d experienced. I beat myself up mentally for wanting or enjoying the “bad” foods, foods I now can enjoy in moderation.

The rules were simple:

1. Eat only when hungry.

This was mostly a challenge of recognizing when I was hungry and eating right away. I found I was more likely to go past that point and only eat when I was starving, 6-8 hours following the last meal.

2. Eat exactly what you want.

3. Eat until you are full and then stop.

This really did a lot for me. First of all, I learned to get more in tune with my hunger and satiety signals. For someone who had dieted since I was 9 years old, I had long since lost consciousness of my body’s cues. Dieting sets you up for eating disorders precisely by disconnecting from these cues and divorcing eating from hunger alone.

Secondly, I gave myself permission to eat whatever I wanted. It was the rule! For the first time in my life I wasn’t eating according to some rigid code or else violating that code and hating myself for it. At first yes, I went for the forbidden foods. After a couple of months of this I started to grab a candy bar one day, took a look at it, and decided that no, I didn’t really want that right now.

I began enjoying the “good” foods once again, now that they didn’t mean depriving myself of the forbidden or “bad” foods.

I relaxed around portions of snacks because I wasn’t merely having a binge between harsh diets. I could have this stuff any time I wanted, so I didn’t need to scarf it down like someone was going to snatch it away from me if I didn’t eat every bite.

As my husband could tell you, snack foods generally last awhile around me now and I don’t eat whole bags of them in a sitting.

Tapati McDaniels is a freelance writer who started a forum designed to meet the needs of former Hare Krishna devotees at http://www.gaudiya-repercussions.com.

She is working on a memoir and her personal blog can be found at http://tapati.livejournal.com. 

Discuss this post on the NLQ forum!

………………………………………………………………………………………

NLQ Recommends …

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

NLQ Recommends ...

'Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment' by Janet Heimlich

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce

Print Friendly

by Tapati

Find some images online, in card shops, in books or magazines, or elsewhere of women (or men) whose body type resembles your own. It’s OK if this project takes more than one day, but spend at least 15 minutes per day on it until you have assembled several images. You might color-copy or scan some images if you go to the library to find them. When it comes to magazines, you might look in something other than fashion-oriented issues. Try everything from National Geographic to alternative press titles. Pagan magazines are a good bet for a variety of images.

Older woman can find some wonderful images in a deck of cards entitled “Wisdom of the Crone.” You can find them at http://www.wisdomofthecrone.com/home.html but note that the site has music that plays right away—not a good idea at work! These cards simply have beautiful images of women from all backgrounds in their “crone” years, plus a word like strength or courage to focus on for the day.

Once you have those images, you can proceed to the next step. You will need to display them in a very visible place or even spread them throughout your home. You could choose to make a collage or frame them. Attach a small one to the bathroom mirror.

Each day you will see these images and realize that someone thought that a woman who resembles you was worth photographing or drawing or painting. Let that soak in. Know that this photographed, painted, lovingly drawn woman possesses nothing that you don’t have. If she was worthy, you are worthy.

Tapati McDaniels is a freelance writer who started a forum designed to meet the needs of former Hare Krishna devotees at http://www.gaudiya-repercussions.com.

She is working on a memoir and her personal blog can be found at http://tapati.livejournal.com.

Discuss or ask questions about this project on the NLQ forum!

NLQ Recommends ...

'Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment' by Janet Heimlich

‘Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

‘Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce