Laura & Richard, 1981

In order to tell the next part of my story I have to go back a bit in time. It may not make sense to you at first but stay with me. It will.

When I was back home with mom, Richard and I had an agreement. We would date other people, all the while knowing that when we were able, we would get back together. It worked out really well. He was like my best friend, boyfriend and confidant all rolled into one. After we had “been together” for a year, I knew that I was meant to be with him for the rest of my life. I planned to marry him someday, maybe after college. I wasn’t worried about it because I KNEW he was the one for me.

After two and a half years of this relationship, I met Dale. I was totally swept off my feet (and my moorings) by him and his religion. I turned my back on everyone who loved me and followed after Dale and his god completely. But I still had a special spot in my heart for Richard. He was my first love after all. Remember your first love? Most people do. Rarely does one forget their first true love. I sure didn’t.

Dale and I were engaged when one day we went to work at a craft fair in San Francisco for some friends of my moms. Richard happened to be there for his work. I hadn’t seen or talked to him for a while. I remember he came to the fair and met me. I took my lunch break and we went outside to talk, but not before I introduced him to Dale. They sized each other up as they shook hands.

Richard and I sat outside together and talked. He was worried about me. He cared so much for me. He didn’t want to see me throw away my dreams and plans like this. He took my hand in his and looked deeply into my eyes, “Just come with me right now. Fly back to L.A. with me. We can leave right now.” He was so worried about the path I was going down. He desperately wanted to do something to stop me. [Read more →]

Share this post!

by Laura

About this time I was talking to some Christian friends of mine about going to counseling. I guess I thought that counseling wasn’t quite the failure that drugs were so I was willing to try it. Not to mention that I knew I needed to do something before I totally lost it. My friends told me about a counseling center near me that was run by the International Center for Biblical Counseling (ICBC). They were Christian-based, of course, and they had a ministry that included helping people who were being demonically oppressed or possessed.

Now, whether or not a Christian can be bothered by demons was an issue that we had discussed at times with our former pastor and I really didn’t have an opinion on it. The thing that drew me to ICBC was that they were Christian counselors…who worked on a donation basis. Being that we didn’t have any health insurance and not much extra money, I wanted to go to ICBC to get help.

I called them and they told me that they would really like to help me but they didn’t have any openings. In fact they wouldn’t have any until later in the fall. This was summer. I needed help now. What to do? What to do? I asked the receptionist if she could recommend anyone else and she gave me the name of a counselor in the city an hour and a half away. I thanked her and called his office.

I will call him Tom. Tom was not a part of a ministry. He was a part of a business. His fee was $90 for a 50 minute hour! This seemed so totally out of reach that I figured I would not be able to do it. I went to my husband and talked to him about it. I told him the price. I waited……he actually said okay! I was really glad. I think he wanted to see me get some help and if I wouldn’t take the drugs, at least this was something. Our home was not a pleasant place to be for anyone and as my ex always used to say,”If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!”

I always hated that. [Read more →]

Share this post!

by Laura

Dear Readers of NLQ,

You may have noticed that it has been a while since I posted an installment of my chronological story. I was doing some “research” in order to get more writing done this morning. I dug out my old journal kept during the time of my clinical depression and subsequent treatment. When I read it, I was so enraged at the pain and abuse inflicted on me, I was too angry to write coherently.

I stomped around the house swearing for a while.

I was so dependent on my ex for every thing – emotionally, physically spiritually. I was angry at the hell he put me through so he could follow “God”. I was angry at myself for not being what I thought he wanted me to be but mostly I was angry at the abuse that I really didn’t aknowledge before. When all this was actually happening, Vyckie and I were talking in my bedroom during a home church service. We were happily nursing our babies and I was telling her some of my woes. She said right out that my ex was emotionally abusing me. I didn’t see that at all. It was something that I was doing wrong. I wasn’t submissive enough. I wasn’t meek enough, I wasn’t spiritual enough, understanding enough.

I beat my self up over my failure. And I begged my ex to meet me half way. When he didn’t…I hated him for it. And then I felt guilty, guilty, guilty. I saw it in my journal.

For the last few years, I have been labeled the bad guy in the demise and death of my marriage. It is my fault somehow and my ex is the victim. After I read my journals, I saw that who ever thinks that this was Laura’s fault is wrong. Maybe I should publish them in all their painful glory. Maybe then those folks who think that I am such a horrible person for “abandoning my children” will get off their pious horse and see the hell that drove me to leave.

Ok…I am done..I will get to work on my story…I just wanted to explain why I haven’t continued it yet.

Share this post!

When I was a sophmore in High School, I was a cheerleader. Go Mustangs!!

That year we went to Cheer Camp at UC Santa Barbara (UCSB). It was fun as you can imagine. During my senior year I started looking at colleges and UCSB was on the top of my list. I love the ocean and it was right there. I had some familiarity with the school having spent a week there at camp.

I applied to some other schools when the time came and, of course, filled out all those financial aid and grant applications. I waited…and then the acceptance letters started coming in. I was a good student and was accepted to every school I applied to.

Now the time came to decide which school to go to… I chose UCSB. For many reasons one of which was that my boyfriend at the time lived in Southern California and we could continue our long distance relationship. Now to wait to hear on the financial aid… Sure enough, being a child in a low income single parent family helped me to be eligible for just about everything out there. My good grades and test scores didn’t hurt either! I was approved for the Pell grant and the Cal grant and all sorts of other things that I can’t remember now! I was set and ready. My costs were covered and I was looking at a bright and interesting future as a Psychology major in the fall.

Then I met my husband to be..and Jesus…and my new life of Christianity. [Read more →]

Share this post!

by Laura

I thought about my mom. I thought about if my daughter was told she was clinically depressed, I would want her to tell me so I could love her up and help her. But I had been estranged from my mom for so long. She would call me about every 3 months just to make sure I was okay. The calls were always hard on both of us. If I was feeling especially pious, I would usually end up arguing with her and saying some negative thing to her. But most often we were just sad and talked about nothing important. I hardly talked to her about her grandkids because it was too painful for her to hear. Almost every time we spoke, I would get off the phone and beg my husband, “Can’t we handle this situation with my moms differently. I mean, they hate God because of us. We are not being good witnesses for Christ here. Why can’t we just love them like Jesus loved the woman caught in the act of adultery?” He would respond that Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery to “go and sin no more”. We had basically said that to my moms regarding their relationship but they still lived together, still loved each other, still stood up for women’s rights and equality for everyone. They were a threat to our children in our eyes. Who knew what they might say to our kids? After most conversations with my mom, I would argue with Dale about keeping our kids away from her and then I would back down and let him have his way figuring that he knew what was best.

And I would cry. I missed my mom so much. It was horrible. I would fight with myself inside over the feelings I had toward my mom( I loved her and missed her deeply) and the responsibilities I felt I had toward my husband (to be submissive to his will) and my kids ( to protect them from evil influences which I considered my moms to be because of their lifestyle). Eventually my Christianity would win out and I would again put up the righteous wall that I felt was necessary to protect my children. When I look at it now, I am amazed that I let my husband do my thinking for me like that but it seemed perfectly right and reasonable at the time.

I was alone in the house, just diagnosed with something that terrified me and I knew what I wanted. I wanted my mommy!!! [Read more →]

Share this post!

by Laura

Things were very hard for me. I was so depressed and confused. I would spend most of my day closed up in my bedroom crying. I didn’t know what to do to turn my husband’s heart back to me. I remember sitting at the table one day and telling him I would gladly begin wearing a head covering again if this would make him happy. He said something to the effect that he had seen women wearing head coverings that were not the least bit submissive to their authorities and women who didn’t wear one who were. I wasn’t sure if I fit into the former category but I was afraid to ask. I had worn a head covering for about 3 years thinking that it made me more spiritual. It was an outward sign of my submission to God and my husband. My daughter wore one too. I was trying to live by the rules I saw set out for me in the New Testament and the Apostle Paul makes it very clear that a woman is in disgrace if she prays with her head uncovered. He also says elsewhere that we should pray without ceasing. That meant to me that in order to be pleasing to God, I’d better wear the head covering all the time.

I felt badly for my kids at this point because I knew I was barely functional but I was unable to rise above the immense pain and depression I was suffering with. And Dale and I fought. We fought and fought. A discussion would turn into a 3 hour session of me pleading with him, accusing him , yelling at him and crying at him. I know that during that time I was not easy to be around. I am sure he got to the point where he dreaded coming into the room with me to talk, knowing it would turn into a “bash Dale session” as he would refer to it. [Read more →]

Share this post!

by Laura

Well, my children made it back home. We had a wonderful and exhausting time. My two year old was like all two year olds…exercising his right to say, “NO!” The boys had a wonderful time with Richard (my hubby) at the Museum of Flight. The three of them went there without us girls and the boys were full of laughter and stories when they returned. It was so nice to see that they have realized that this man who genuinely loves their mother is not a horrid nasty person to be feared. He is not the villain they have been led to believe he is. He is actually a pretty nice man who knows a lot about airplanes and such and is fun to be with. My younger girls also seemed to like their mommy’s new husband. My 5 year old was holding his hand and sitting in his lap as if she had known him forever…and loved him to boot!

The kids flew unaccompanied back home and my 15 year old daughter handled the situation flawlessly. Of course, I am sure a little pep talk from mom to her sometimes mischievous brothers didn’t hurt either! I held it all together at the gate in the airport and smiled at them as they went down the jet way. I told my crying 5 year old that soon she would be seeing daddy and wouldn’t that be wonderful. I waved and smiled until they were out of sight…then I cried all the way out to the car. It feels like all my children are suddenly dead to me when I leave them at their home after our visits. I usually drive up the lane screaming out in the most unbelievable pain a human can feel. I would literally rather go through labor 10 times in a row than have to drive away from them every month like that. My dear husband…poor guy…what does he do when his wife is hysterical and sobbing? He just holds me close and strokes my hair and tells me it’s okay. My ex used to ignore me when I was crying. What a difference to actually be loved. I never knew this kind of love existed.

Share this post!

by Laura

After Dale returned from Brazil, he was not the same man. He hardly interacted with me or the children. He stopped sleeping with me, preferring the living room couch over our bed. He stopped praying with me which was something we did together every morning before we left our bedroom for at least 15 years. He stopped interacting with me on almost every level. He would go for long “prayer walks” every evening often returning after I had gone to bed. He would lay on his face on the floor for 2 hours in the morning and read his bible and pray.

Sometimes, after his morning quiet time, he would come get in the bed with me to “cuddle”. I felt like he was throwing me an old bone. As if I should be satisfied and thankful that he was willing to get in the bed with me for 10 minutes. I was desperate for his affection and attention. After we had been apart for those 3 months, I looked forward to the renewal of physical intimacy between us. However, when it finally happened, I remember looking at him and he was looking out the window as if he was just hoping it would end soon. I liken the whole experience to him having an affair…with God. [Read more →]

Share this post!

by Laura

So much can happen in a year!  Just a year ago Vyckie and I birthed this blog which has morphed into such a wonderful resource of encouragement and help for folks.  It has also been a great place of healing for myself and I am so grateful for all the love and encouragement I have experienced through the birth and growth of NLQ!

I have been pretty quiet the last 9 months or so and it has been necessary for me to be so.  Yet, in honor of the NLQ Anniversary, I want to come out of my silence, so to speak, and give you all an update on what has been happening in my life.  If you are feeling a bit blue or discouraged or have just been thinking that life will NEVER get better…read on for a lift in your spirit.  Dreams really DO come true!

[Read more →]

Share this post!

by Laura

We had some dear friends that gave us a video put out by New Tribes Missions (NTM) called “E-Etaow”. After viewing it, Dale felt like maybe God was calling him to go on a mission trip. So that summer he left for 6 weeks on a mission trip to Brazil with NTM and the kids and I ran the farm. My oldest was 15 and the baby was about 1 year old. I took care of the 9 kids and my son and I even put up a cutting of alfalfa almost all by our selves.

Dale became friends with some of the missionaries there and he made trips to Brazil every year after that for the next 3 years. Once I went with him and then he took the older kids two at a time. He would be gone for 3 weeks or so in the dead of winter and I would keep the farm going. One year I was 7 months pregnant. I remember we had a big snow that winter and I had to get out and clear the driveway with our old John Deere 70 Tractor. I could barely zip my coveralls over my pregnant belly. The kids had to help me pull up the zipper. They’d say,”Suck it in Mom!” And I would reply, ”I AM sucking it in!” I had a tough time hoisting my self up into the tractor seat and then climbing back down to adjust the blade over and over. But I got the driveway cleared enough that we weren’t snowbound! [Read more →]

Share this post!