By Incongruous Circumspection

In Part 1a, we witnessed Bill Gothard call a woman who does not obey her husband in everything, never questioning any decision he makes, a “fool”. He based this epithet on a woman while referencing Ephesians 5:22 – 24. Of course, I uncovered the fact that Bill was flat out lying. That passage says nothing of the sort.

Let’s continue discussing Gothard’s first Basic Need of a Husband ([A man needs a wife that is loyal and supportive]).

Gothard continues to expound on the above basic need by stating the following:

[Realize that your husband’s perspective is different than yours.]

Wow. Bill is really smart. Put two or more people together and you have differences. But let’s not give him any credit. That’s not what he means. Patriarchy (the religious philosophy that Bill Gothard bases all his materials on) and the Authority Doctrine (P/AD) requires distinct differences in men and women in order to prove that women need a man to rule them.

[A man’s goals often involve long-range achievement. Therefore, a man is willing to sacrifice short-term convenience in order to meet an important long-term goal. However, a wife’s perspective usually centers on short-term goals associated with her responsibilities in the family and home. During times of pressure, a wife should keep the “big picture” in mind. Accept difficult situations from God without giving Him a deadline to remove them]

While reading the above, did anyone think about sex? I would posit that most men have short term goals in mind when it comes to rolling around between the sheets. Well, of course, he probably wants to last a while, but that can still hardly be called “long term”. But Bill protects himself from this argument because he cleverly uses the words “often” and “usually” when referring to a man’s “goals” and a woman’s “perspective”.

Ah, but catch that little English trick. A man has goals. A woman doesn’t. She simply has perspective. Perspective is worthless. It doesn’t move a family forward with a clear vision like having goals does. Even worse, a woman’s perspective is completely foolish in the scheme of things because it is only focused on cooking, changing diapers, spanking bare bottoms, studying the IBLP “Men’s Manuals” to understand how men think, reading “To Train Up a Child” to become an expert mule skinner, and darning the holes in her husband’s tighty whities. In short, Bill tells the woman to leave the rest to the husband. If she disagrees, being that she is clueless, she must throw up her hands and leave it to her husband..er…God. He’ll take care of it.

[Encourage your husband not to give up on God-given goals. Urge him to verbalize his dreams and hopes, and give him your wholehearted support. Ask him how you can help him reach his goals. If your husband fails to set goals or give direction to you and your family, pray for him and trust God to work in his life.]

Obviously, all goals a husband has are God-given. There is no differentiation here. But Bill seems to be keenly aware that there are lazy or emasculated men within the ranks. Thus, a woman needs to require (Gothard freshens up the requirement by using “urge him to verbalize”) a husband to tell him what his goals are.

How tiring! I am a man. I’m a husband. I’m a father of six bouncy children. I have a vision. So does my wife. We talk. She talks. I talk all night while she snores beside me. When it comes to direction for our family, I refuse to accept all the responsibility. It is a twelve person job and there are only two of us. I need her help and she needs mine. Frankly, the responsibility that this idea heaps on the head of the man is very much the reason why men in this movement become control freaks and the women become manipulative witches.

I am not going to hold back. I have lived this. One person should not be given the responsibility of a full household and then be allowed to wield unquestioned power over everyone under him. A woman should never be relegated to a subservient baby factory with no voice in her marriage except to nag on her husband to get off his lazy arse and be a man – planning every little detail of their lives, down to the fifteenth child’s toe jam removal. When this sick and twisted lifestyle is put into play, the smiling and joyful faces you see on the outside don’t do justice to the evil that is going on behind closed doors.

What does Bill think long-term goals are anyway? Is it only a family oriented vision? Or is there any room for building up the life of the children to sprout wings and fly off into the world to succeed or fail? In Bill’s world, individual goals are evil. All goals should be family based, which brings me to my next point:

Who better than the wife (in a P/AD home, mind you) who is with the children 24/7, schools them from Pre-K to 12 grade and even college, buys all the groceries and necessities of life, plans the daily activities from the day her first is conceived to the day the last one flies the coop at 45 years of age, etc, etc, etc, to set goals for all the children? In that world, she would know them a heck of a lot better than the man who is gallivanting around town, working 90 hours a week and showing off his excellent brood on Sundays.

Of course, that scenario isn’t really the real world. In the real world, the world where a husband and wife are a team, they both may know the children equally well. They may not have children and yet have individual goals, as well as family goals. The unhealthy, lopsided, “I’m the man so you’d better do as I say”, is rife for abuse. And yet the woman must only trust God to change the man without vocal complaint.

*****

In Part 1c, we will look at how to massage the very fragile self-esteem of a man. If you have ever potty-trained a child and know that that first tinkle requires an over-exuberant celebration, you will be well on your way to success in this matter.

Discuss this post on the NLQ forum. Comments are also open below.

am a 30 something husband of one and father of 6 dynamic and loud children. My wife and I are still madly in love – at least in my view. My world is exciting, tense, and full of life. I love to write and hope to one day, do it full time. – Incongruous Circumspection

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by Vyckie

I recently received an email from “Henrietta” who asked:

If I choose to get involved here, contribute etc, am I part of a Christian but anti QFP group; or an anti Christian and esp anti QFP group?

It is ironic that NLQ seems to be perceived quite differently depending on the perspective of the reader. We have several new readers who are commenting here on the blog ~ conservative, Quiverfull Christians who are convinced that NLQ is nothing but angry, pro-abortion, Feminazi Atheists.  On the other hand, MoJoey at “Deep Thoughts” recently promoted NLQ with the caveat: Now granted, No Longer Quivering is a Christian site and I don’t normally pimp out the opposition but the woman who runs the site is a loving and tireless worker fighting to free others from a cult. Over at Free Jinger, someone was asking, What’s with all the bible quoting at NLQ?

Considering that No Longer Quivering was recently added to the official Atheist Blogroll ~ Henrietta asks a legitimate question!

I hope it won’t be too frustrating for readers if I don’t answer with a simple “Yes,” or “No.”

Since its beginning in March of 2009, NLQ has grown into a community ~ “a gathering place for women escaping and healing from spiritual abuse.”  Most of us have spent years, even decades, twisting and contorting ourselves to fit the narrowly-defined, sharply delineated dogma of whatever particular brand of cult we were caught up in.  Although we are a diverse group representing a variety of backgrounds, cultures and beliefs ~ we hold in common the shared experience of being conformed to a rigid system of thought which controlled every aspect of our lives and defined us as women and as (sub)human beings.

We’re here now, regaining our sanity, our sense of self ~ on the path of recovery from deep wounds and spiritual trauma ~ and every one of us is at a different place on that path.  That makes us hard to peg ~ and indeed, we resist labels and categories ~ we want to be known for our unique perspectives ~ so it’s not uncommon for NLQ members to write in their introductions, “I am a Christian, but …” or “I believe in God, but …” or “I am an Atheist, but…” ~ this is our way of avoiding being stereotyped as though what we now believe can be labeled, neatly summarized and tied up into a nice, tidy Creedal package.

As for me, I am feeling more comfortable referring to myself as an atheist all the time.  I’ve written about my current beliefs (lack of belief) here ~ but I am not pushy or outspoken about my rejection of the bible and Christianity here on the No Longer Quivering website.  Now, on my Twitter account ~ it’s often a different story.  If you follow my tweets,  I sometimes sound like an angry God-hater ~ I cuss and gripe about “The Big Guy” and get in heated 140-character-per-point arguments with Christian apologists who attempt to witness to me.  Sometimes, I submit guest posts to Ex-Christian.net such as “Atheist Churchgoers Anonymous?” which I believe are not relevant to NLQ and do not belong here.  I recently wrote a review of “Drunk With Blood: God’s killings in the Bible” (scroll down the page to see my review) ~ a rant against the bible, “The Bible God,” the sacrifice of His Son and the martyr mentality which is so much a part of the Quiverfull philosophy.

Judging by all that ~ it’d be easy to conclude that No Longer Quivering is an atheistic, anti-Christian site ~ but NLQ is not all about me ~ there is much more to the story here and, in fact, the majority of the guest writers here are Christians specifically because I want this decidedly anti-Quiverfull website to be Christian-friendly and welcoming to Believers whether they are practicing QF/P, questioning that worldview, or seeking to escape from the legalistic, demanding, impossible-to-live-consistently lifestyle.

An important goal of the Take Heart Project is to produce materials which counter the Quiverfull/Patriarchal ideas from a biblical perspective.  Kristen Rosser is doing an excellent job of critiquing QF/P point-by-point in the NLQ FAQs as well as her series, “Testing the Spirit of Quiverfull.”

That doesn’t mean that every article posted at No Longer Quivering is necessarily going to be sweet and sensitive to warm the Christian readers’ hearts.  As I stated on the forum recently, Precisely because spiritual abuse is so intensely personal ~ exposing the dangers cannot be “just the facts” ~ the hurt and the anger and the wasted years and the guilt wrt what we’ve subjected ourselves and our children to ~ all with the best intentions! ~ it gets very messy ~ and because it is so ~ NLQ is going to reflect the mess ~ and sometimes with great intensity which will make QFers upset and uncomfortable.

Nevertheless, we do make an effort not to be outright offensive.  No Longer Quivering is in no way a place to promulgate atheist ideas or de-convert Christians. We are eager to meet readers where they’re at so far as their beliefs are concerned without judgment or a list of ”shoulds” and “should nots” with regard to faith, lifestyle, etc. ~ but the site itself DOES have a goal of exposing Quiverfull/Patriarchal fundamentalism and freeing women from the hell of trying to live according to legalistic interpretations of the bible.  That’s why you’ll find so much Scripture-quoting here ~ we want to offer alternative approaches to those verses which have historically been used to control and dis-empower women and deny us and our children of our value as unique, individual human beings.

The women (and a few men) of No Longer Quivering truly are a diverse group representing a variety of spiritual values which pretty much cover the spectrum of conservative to liberal belief, unbelief, certainty and doubts ~ with plenty of ambiguity, mixed feelings, loosely-held conclusions, and even a smattering of strong opinions thrown in to keep things interesting!

We do reach out with compassion and understanding to every woman who is damaged, hurting and looking for relief and healing from the spiritually abusive teachings of QF/P.  We are all in the process of recovery ~ and we strive to be mutually supportive, sensitive to the emotional triggers which tend to be unique and often unexpected ~ we don’t insist that everyone else follow the same path at the same pace that we are taking on our journey to wholeness and freedom.

We don’t always get along. It takes strong-minded women to rid ourselves of the QF/P “mental burqa” ~ and we eventually come to a point in which we are no longer willing to “make nice” merely for the sake of keeping the peace, not hurting another’s feelings, or protecting fragile egos at the expense of our own thoughts, feelings, and opinions.  Part of the healing is learning to stand up and say, “I matter too!”

At times, this NLQ community seems like an ongoing group therapy session ~ presuppositions are challenged, PTSD triggers are tripped, conflicts arise ~ it can be chaotic at times.  Somehow, we most often manage to work things through and come away with greater understanding of ourselves and each other. Considering the variety of religious/spiritual beliefs represented here at NLQ, combined with the personal hell which most of us have been through and at times, continue to experience ~ I think we do amazingly well.

Discuss this post on the NLQ forum!  Comments are also open below.

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by Sierra

Willa was an atheist. A self-styled “unschooler,” she attended homeschool conventions and activities with her two children, Alexis (9) and Steven (5), and it was there that she met my mother. Willa’s husband worked in a field that I knew only abstractly as something involving computers and sales. He was a passive, taciturn man with whom I never exchanged a single word. Their children were boisterous, especially Alexis. Willa attached herself to my mother very quickly. Since Alexis was my age, we were an automatic source of play dates, which often really amounted to tea parties for our mothers. Common interests seemed to abound at first: homeschooling, books, and bargains. Both adored flea markets, and Willa’s house sagged under the evidence. But there was no escaping the fact that Willa was an atheist.

Willa quickly became a mission field for my mother and her friends. One by one, they joined my mother in the weekly tea parties and occasional trips to flea markets or homeschool fairs. Soon the “Seal Sisters,” as my father called my mother and her church friends (referring to the seven seals of the book of Revelations), had developed a little circle around Willa. How to deal with the “Willa problem” became a topic of heated debate.

Willa was everything a woman was not supposed to be in fundamentalist Christianity: she’d been wounded by Christians in the past, and she was angry. “Angry,” in fact, was the single lingering impression that she left on my mother and our friends in the church. Anger was frightening to Message of the Hour believers: having a single “scratch of bitterness” in our hearts endangered our chance to go in the Rapture, taught William Branham. A throbbing wellspring of genuine rage was unthinkable, but Willa seemed to possess it. As I listened to the Seal Sisters talk about her, I learned that she was dangerous, unstable, and above all, a bad mother. But she was still a person who listened to and befriended them, and as a result, she was a candidate to be “brought in” to the Message.

Willa’s sins were aired frequently on the telephone and in private discussions within the church group. Willa hated to clean her house, and her husband wasn’t particularly motivated to deal with the situation at hand, either. The house creaked and groaned under piles of books and boxes containing years of accumulated junk. The Seal Sisters decided that the home was a metaphor for the baggage of Willa’s past, and its destructive weight symbolized the state of her soul. Her femininity, too, was questioned: not only did she fail to provide a crisp, clean home environment for her family, she also dared to “talk back” to her husband. My mother and her church friends spoke in hushed, solemn voices about the “domineering spirit” Willa possessed, and how her defiant attitude toward her husband’s authority reflected her anger against God. Her hair, too, was short, and that symbolized her rebellion against her God-given role as a woman – a submissive wife would never cut her hair. If only Willa would obey her husband properly, it was whispered, her children would stop misbehaving and her husband’s depression would lift. Whether or not he was actually depressed, none of us knew. It wasn’t a woman’s place to talk to another woman’s husband about anything. We knew, though, that their marriage was broken: after all, they’d voted for Bill Clinton.

How to introduce the message of Christian patriarchy to Willa was a delicate subject. My mother and her friends feared “casting their pearls before swine.” Worse yet was the threat of blasphemy. If my mother and her friends introduced the Message too soon, and Willa rejected it, she would be blaspheming the Holy Ghost and her soul would be eternally condemned. Speaking ill of God’s prophet was the one unforgivable sin, because the prophet was the physical embodiment of the Holy Ghost for our age: speaking against him meant speaking directly against God. And so it was with extreme caution that the Seal Sisters proceeded to introduce their faith, by steps, constantly waiting for the opportune moment, when Willa was unlikely to criticize their words.

My mother spent many nights in earnest intercession for Willa. In response to Willa’s challenge, “What does God spend all his time doing up there anyway?” my mother wrote a poem about a longing Father spending his time gently reaching out to his wayward child, day after day, hour by hour. When Willa responded poorly, my mother took this as her rejection of God and wept for her perishing friend.

Meanwhile, I continued to play with Alexis, but I felt consumed by guilt every time. Alexis was a worldly child. She didn’t listen to Christian music. She swore, and she wore leggings. Her hair was always cropped above her shoulders, and she had no scruples discussing the sexual behavior of dogs, cats, and frogs in frank detail. Once or twice, I confided to my mother that I didn’t want to play with Alexis anymore because I felt so dirty when I was around her. When Alexis convinced me to sneak over a fence in her backyard and moon an elderly man working on a tractor, I was convinced that I was going straight to hell that very evening, and cried myself to sleep in terror. “Jesus, forgive me,” I prayed repeatedly, before eventually placating myself with the knowledge that the old man had never even turned around or noticed us. Spending time with Alexis, however, made me dimly grateful for one thing: I felt innocent around her. Unlike the perfect, dainty girls at church, dressed alike in their lace collars and long, uncut ponytails, Alexis was raw humanity. She was real. I had found someone more rugged, wayward and wicked than I was – and it was reassuring. Alexis was the only girl of whom I wasn’t secretly afraid.

The friendship was not long for the world, however. Friendships with worldly people were always on a timer: they had to end either with conversion or separation. After nearly a year of dallying with atheist Willa and her wayward children, the Seal Sisters decided to take action. One hot August afternoon, my mother and three of her friends gathered together solemnly at Rachel’s home. Rachel, the youngest and newest convert, offered her swimming pool and immense back yard for the children to play in while a Very Serious Conversation took place. Banished from the tea party by a locked gate, I could only peep through the fence at the tense, rigid postures of the women and guess at what they were saying. I felt unease, and could not concentrate on playing with the other children. I wanted in on the secret.

The secret came to light soon afterwards, when all contact with Willa and her family was formally broken off. I learned that the ladies had gathered to present Willa, once and for all, with the conditions of their friendship: acceptance of the Message. “How can two walk together lest they be agreed?” they asked. Friendship with worldly people had only one reasonable end: to lead them to Christ. Otherwise the unbeliever would eternally strain the faith of the believer, keeping her chained to the world and influencing her children for the worse. We were to be in the world, but not of the world – loving the world, its things, and its people meant that we lacked the true love of God. If Willa would not hear us, we were to shake the dust from our feet.

On that last occasion, Willa had refused to accept the Message. It was decided, then, that the friendship was over – four families dropped her like a stone that afternoon. And it was determined that this was the only kindness left for them to do her: they had turned her over to the devil, for the destruction of her body and the saving of her soul. Now and then, we heard updates about Willa’s life in the years that followed. They were always cast in hopefully negative terms: her health or her marriage was failing, her children were doing poorly in school. This meant that God was after her, and that sooner or later she would wake up, fall on her knees and confess her obedience to Him. After all, the Seal Sisters joked, “When you’re flat on your back, there’s nowhere to look but up and no one to turn to but God.”

Discuss this post on the NLQ forum!

Sierra is a PhD student living in the Midwest. She was raised in a “Message of the Hour” congregation that followed the ministry of William Branham. She left the Message in 2006 and is the author of the blog The Unspoken Words: A Non-Prophet Message.

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A friend and I were talking rather excitedly about my upcoming guest appearance on the Joy Behar Show.  We were chattering away when she suddenly asked me, “How are you going to respond if Joy asks you what you believe about religion now?”

Well, to tell the truth, I was stumped.  I mean, I do have an answer to that question, but the minute my friend asked me about it, my brain froze up and I couldn’t think of a thing to say. 

Oh no, I thought ~ what if I get totally stuck during the interview?  I’d better be prepared!  I’m sure I won’t get a chance to to tell it all ~ but just for practice ~ and since I’ve been told that, “Everybody’s dying to know!” ~ here’s the summary that I’m planning to give if Joy does ask me “the big question”:

It used to be my goal in life to know God so intimately ~ so completely ~ that at the end of my life when it came time to stand before Him ~ face to face ~ I would not have the sort of “I really wasn’t expecting this” surprised feelings of one who’s meeting a distant relative for the first time.  I wanted that meeting to have the feeling of a homecoming ~ like greeting a familiar, and very dear old friend.

Somewhere along the line, I had a complete change of perspective and now that whole idea of “knowing God intimately” seems silly ~ how could anyone really “know” a being or entity such as God?

These days, when I try to picture in my mind what “God” might be like, I do not imagine a supernatural being who is qualitatively different from all other manifestations of existence.  In other words, I believe that everything that exists is all that there is ~ there is no “higher power” outside of and separate from whatever is.

I also do not picture an oversized male looking down from above, overseeing the affairs of “men” ~ and micromanaging every little detail of our lives.

And what do I think about Jesus ~ my former Lord and Savior? 

This’ll be hard for some of you to hear ~ but, having devoted myself wholly to Jesus for over 25 years, I think I have a better than fair understanding of His teaching and His life’s mission.  I used to be inspired by Jesus’ central message ~ that of the cross, of self-denial and laying down one’s life for others ~ but now, I think that such martyrdom is unhealthy and kind of twisted.

If you don’t mind ending up dead, or wishing you were dead ~ then go ahead and follow Jesus’ example as He was led like a lamb to the slaughter and never opened His mouth in protest.  But for those who plan to live out their lives ~ especially for those moms of many who need to stick around and raise their children ~ a lifestyle of complete self-abnegation is unsustainable. 

Pouring one’s entire life into serving your husband ~ giving up everything for the sake of your children ~ this is a recipe for burnout and breakdown. 

Particularly for women, Jesus example of submission to His Father’s will, is a set up for willing acceptance of oppression and abuse at the hands of those in a position of authority ~ no matter how benevolent and loving that authority is supposed to be.

I’m sure my friend will be disappointed if I go on the Joy Behar show and publicly confess that I am no longer inspired by Jesus and that, in fact, so much of what He stood for ~ submission, obedience, martyrdom, establishing the Kingdom of God ~ such things make me wince and I cannot bear to listen to His message for long.

I do still have some interest in “Emergent” ideas and Process Theology.  I wish I had plenty of spare time to read up on all the progressive thought which is making its way into the collective Christian consciousness.  Some interest … but not enough to actually make the time …

I know there are many who find solace and peace “in Christ” as I once did ~ and I don’t begrudge anyone their faith and sincerely held convictions.  It’s not my intention to talk anyone out of their love for Jesus. 

I’m just not there anymore ~ and it’s doubtful that I ever will be again.

Discuss this post on the NLQ Grandstand forums!

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Shortly after Angel’s first suicide attempt, I remember thinking to myself that all of my children were growing up without me ~ because I was much too worn down physically ~ plus what little energy I did have was all being zapped from me daily as I tried to make life with their overbearing, micro-managing, hyper-critical, narcissistic father as painless as possible for the children. Despite my efforts, they were all obviously beaten-down and discouraged to the point that we had become of family of zombies ~ excepting, of course, for Warren ~ who rather than feeling half-dead like the rest of us, seemed to have all the energy in the world ~ in fact, I believe he thrived on the energy and life-force which he painstakingly extracted from each of us day in and day out.

One day, as I was reading my bible ~ seeking the Lord and His wisdom ~ I came across a little nugget in Ecclesiastes 5:20: Every man also to whom God hath given riches and wealth, and hath given him power to eat thereof, and to take his portion, and to rejoice in his labour; this is the gift of God.

This verse set me to thinking ~ I’d been laboring (literally) for years ~ and due to my QF convictions, there was no end in sight ~ I had been blessed with the riches of many children alright ~ but I was rarely able to partake in the fruits of my labor. What the heck? According to “the preacher,” the promise to bless His faithful followers also includes the gift of being able to actually enjoy and rejoice in the rewards of our labor.

I wanted to enjoy my children ~ and I forced myself to get up (my energy level was so low that I just felt like sleeping all the time) ~ I took them camping, put them in 4-H, etc.  But the more time that I spent with them, the more obvious it was to me that my kids were suffering from the abuse and neglect.

Lo, children are a blessing … but I was too wiped out and overwhelmed to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

It was shortly after this revelation that I made the decision to take the necessary action to regain my health and to ensure that my children and I would truly be “blessed” ~ blessed, that is, with peace, happiness and the ability to reap the rewards of all our hard work and diligence. 

 That determination eventually led me to leave the security of being “in Christ.” 

Losing my deeply loved “blessed assurance” was scary, yes ~ I’d heard all the stories of atheist philosophers who pondered such deep and complex thoughts without ever reaching any solid, satisfying conclusions ~ I really didn’t want that to be me. 

But oh the freedom to think outside the contraints of Christian fundamentalism, to explore new ways of understanding and interpreting the world!  I had embarked on  a new and thrilling adventure.

One evening, as I was relaxing with the kids ~ enjoying Star Trek reruns ~ I caught the following dialogue between Capt. Kirk and “Bones” which really captures my new, almost fearless, attitude with regard to the uncertainty of unbelief:

Bones: Where are we going?
Kirk: Where they went.
Bones: Suppose they went nowhere?
Kirk: Then this will be your big chance to get away from it all.

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Dear Frank,

I am a former Christian homeschooling mother of seven who finally walked away from fundamentalism after our radical extremism drove my oldest daughter to attempt suicide ~ and I would like to help you spread your message and sell your books.

In bible college, your father was my absolute hero ~ I read all of his books and was determined to study Christian apologetics until I could defend my faith as skillfully as Francis Schaeffer!

However, as the years went by, fundamentalist “family values” put me in my place as a woman ~ and so I shifted my focus and that’s when your mother, Edith became my role model as I devoted myself to homemaking and motherhood.

I dutifully birthed seven “foot soldiers for Jesus” ~ nearly losing my life on more than one occasion. I was totally sold out ~ and as a homeschooler, I was exposed to the most extreme aspects of Dominionism. I felt that James Dobson, Tony Perkins, even Don Wildmon were lightweights ~ I much preferred the uncompromising Randall Terry ~ and Paul dePairie was better yet.

When Flip Benham came to Nebraska, I baked chicken-pot pies for him and we packed all our friends and associates into our livingroom to hear Flip speak about what it really means to be radically “pro-life.”

I was married to a blind man and in order to create a way for him to support our growing “quiverfull” family, I started a “pro-life, pro-family” newspaper in Northeast Nebraska. I followed all the major right-wing leaders in the “culture wars” and used my newspaper to challenge Christians to join the fight to restore America’s godly heritage. My articles advocating no-birth-control-for-Christians and heralding the Old Testament patriarchal family structure were carried by all the major home school publications ~ I even wrote for AFA’s Agape Press News.

Now, my newspaper, which I published for 16 years, had a circulation of around 5,000 ~ so I was totally a small-bit player compared to what you were doing on the national level, but that is not for lack of talent and ambition ~ it was only because, as a woman, I was too busy fulfilling my high calling of producing and raising up an army for God within my own home.

Cutting to the chase here ~ the extremist lifestyle was a total set-up for burn-out for me ~ and psychosis for my oldest daughter.

I met a long-lost uncle who is an atheist ~ and for some reason we hit it off and began a year-long email correspondence. At the very beginning, I wrote to my Uncle Ron this quote which I picked up from one of Francis Schaeffer’s books: Atheists have both feet firmly planted in mid-air. There’s no way that I would ever give up my certainty ~ my absolute “Blessed Assurance” for Ron’s worldview which he described as a “dissonant world of emergence and transition.”

Our correspondence was an opportunity for me to actually THINK about the presuppositions which I had accepted as a fundamentalist Christian ~ and before long, I lost my faith in the bible as the “Word of God” and now I count myself among those whom your father warned against ~ with both feet firmly planted in mid-air. Actually, it’s kind of exhilarating at times ~ and also scary for one who was accustomed to having chapter and verse for every minor detail of my daily living.

Back in March, I worked with Kathryn Joyce on a Salon.com article about my involvement in, and escape from the Quiverfull movement. Since that time, my website, “No Longer Quivering” has received a tremendous response. Within the first month, the site was nominated for the Canadian “F-word” Blog Awards for Best Feminist Blog International. The blog and forum are currently receiving approx. 70,000 hits per month.

I have done several radio and print interviews and will be featured in a documentary on the Quiverfull movement which the Women’s Entertainment (WE TV) channel will premier in December with my story as the primary focus of the piece.  Beginning next month, I anticipate traveling to New York and L.A. for interviews in order to build publicity in advance of the show’s airing.

I am working with several women to establish a charitable and educational organization to promote public awareness and support for families — particularly mothers — who want to leave the lifestyle. These women are very passionate about fighting back against what one NLQ forum member recently described as the ‘soul murder’ of women and young girls.

The same company which printed Joyce’s book, “Quiverfull,” has expressed an interest in publishing my story, so I am currently working on a book proposal.

The reason I am writing to you is because I see a great deal of connection between your journey and mine ~ and I am hoping to interest you in using the story of what happened to my family (oldest daughter attempts suicide, mother loses her faith, divorces husband ~ in 2003 we were recognized as the Nebraska Family of the Year by the Nebraska Family Council ~ by the end of 2008, our family had fallen apart and I am now a single mother of seven) as an actual example of what happens when families totally buy the “family values” agenda which you are now so adamantly renouncing.

It is very encouraging to those of us who have been harmed by the Religious Right to hear you refute that which you once helped create.  Since you still benefit from your privilege (regardless of political affiliation) as a man in the public eye, the good you do could be greatly extended by practically helping those who are in their ordinary, private lives, still victims.  The biblical Dominionism which you once actively promoted and now aggressively reject, has not only been detrimental to American politics–  families who take the “war on families” seriously end up broken and devastated.   Indentifying with me in this cause can only strengthen yours.

Mine is a candid story of one who was seriously sucked into a hate-filled worldview and was so committed that I was willing to die for the cause ~ and now I am equally bold in speaking up to say that the fundamentalist mindset is an insidious form of mental illness.

I believe having a face (a whole family of faces, in fact, as my children also suffered greatly because of this ideology) to put with your message could be a moving way to expose the human side of the real losers in this “Culture War” which, as I have discovered, “With Promises of Protection, Security and Ultimate Victory, Peddlers of ‘Family Values’ Manufactured a Culture War, and Capitalized on Our Fears.”

I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time.

Vyckie Garrison

http://nolongerquivering.com/ ~ No Longer Quivering

Discuss!

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by Vyckie

Recently, I came across a “Ship of Fools” video which invited people to submit their nominations for the “Ten worst verses of the Bible”

At first, I assumed that Ship of Fools must be an atheist website holding this “Worst Verse” contest as a way to raise awareness of some of the horrific messages contained in the pages of the Christian scriptures.  My assumption was based mainly on the website’s name since Psalm 14:1 tells us that “The fool” says in his heart, “There is no God.”  Plus ~ who else would sponsor this sort of bible-bashing contest?

Well, it turns out that I was mistaken.  Ship of Fools is actually a Christian website ~ the twist being that this group of believers does not shrink back from taking a critical look at the book upon which their faith is based. 

According to the website:

… the Bible is probably the most important book ever, but it sometimes seems that the only people who care about it are rival gangs of fundamentalists, Christian and atheist, determined to beat it into the shape of their own prejudices.
 
We want to rescue the Bible from their rival takeover bids. We want to take it out of the hands of people who hit you over the head with it.
 
It doesn’t have to be a textbook of infallible information and unbreakable laws to be God’s book. And it doesn’t have to be one big pile of lies and atrocity just because it has its dodgy bits.
 
We want to remind non-Christians that Christians can see the flaws of their own faith as well as others can. And we want to remind Christians too.
 
Let’s have a bit of balance, shall we?

Good for Ship of Fools ~ more power to them.

And the winner is …

Interestingly, the results are now in ~ and the prize for the “Worst Verse” contest goes to the apostle Paul, who wrote:

“I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.” (1 Timothy 2:12)

Actually, SIX of the “top ten” verses have to do with sexism and/or the abuse of women and young girls. 

The website aptly sums up the list of worst verses this way: All in all, the results are a mixture of the historically horrific and milder restrictions that are still being applied in our own times. It may be a surprise that biblical sexism caps biblical genocide, but maybe it’s because it’s more of a live issue. No one is using the Book of Samuel to justify genocide today, but the words of Paul are still used to silence women.

It’s an unedifying list, but we think the Bible can survive bringing these shadowy verses into the spotlight. It’s not the all-or-nothing book that fundamentalists (atheist and Christian) say that we must either accept wholesale or burn. We need a view of the Bible that is nuanced enough to treasure its comforts and challenges, its classic stories and groundbreaking ethical wisdom, while facing the plain fact that some of it is unacceptable.

It’s refreshing to see a group of Christians willing to take an honest look at these bible verses which have been used to disenfranchise and abuse women and girls for centuries ~ and to declare said verses “unacceptable.”

Discuss this post on the NLQ forums!

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Please note: This post has been modified to clarify the point I want to make which is this:

I have no problem with making a buck ~ earning an honest living. In fact, that’s exactly what I’ve got in mind in running the NLQ website, writing a book, etc. ~ I do not apologize for these efforts to support myself and my children.

What makes me sick is that the “need” which the Quiverfull philosophy and lifestyle are being marketed to fill is manufactured and exaggerated in order to sell the product.

A friend recently put it this way: It’s like buying insurance to protect you from the boogeyman under the bed.

Exactly.

Selling books and materials which address an ACTUAL need is one thing ~ but creating fear and then capitalizing on those fears is better suited for the Mafia than for Christian entrepreneurs.

by Vyckie

I’ve had a sick feeling in my stomach lately.  It’s the feeling that comes along with a growing realization that the Quiverfull worldview and lifestyle which I felt that I had carefully considered and thoughtfully adopted is, in actuality, a product called “biblical family values” which is being aggressively marketed as an investment to safeguard our loved ones from becoming collateral damage in today’s war against the family.

That’s right ~ Quiverfull is a product and we bought it big-time.

What got me started thinking this way is a bit of information which I came across recently while doing market research for my book proposal (which, btw ~ is shaping up rather nicely ~ I’m feeling pretty good about what I have so far):

Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl currently has an Amazon sales rank of 1,891 in books ~ that’s up from a rank of 4,120 at the end of August (’09 ~ less than a month ago).

I should have figured this out much sooner

Seems that I should have been immune to the marketing strategies of those who ruthlessly engender fear and dissatisfaction so they can offer their products as the remedy for the very malady which they themselves created.  After all, one of the first “family values” books I read is All The Way Home: Power for Your Family to be Its Best ~ in which author, Mary Pride explains that happy, well-adjusted families are not very profitable.  In order to sell self-help books, couple’s retreats, therapy sessions, etc. ~ husbands and wives (mainly wives) need to be convinced that something’s wrong ~ something’s missing ~ they need help!

Exactly.  That’s why we didn’t watch television, read popular magazines or otherwise expose ourselves to the endless barrage of advertisements calculated to instill feelings of discontent in our hearts ~ sure saved ourselves a lot of money that way.

And I was vaguely aware of the same principle in operation during my years as publisher and editor of a “pro-life, pro-family” newspaper.  I kept current on all the latest skirmishes in America’s on-going Culture War.

“I’m sure these organizations have the best of intentions when they push legislation to remove the marriage penalty from the tax code, force cable companies to offer ‘a la carte’ subscriptions on premium channels, introduce competition into the education system by promoting school choice and vouchers, demand that merchants who profit from the commercialization of Christ’s birth acknowledge ‘Christmas’ in their promotional advertisements, etc.,” I wrote in a March 2006 editorial.

“But I can’t help but notice how out of touch some of these ‘pro-family’ organizations appear to be with real-life families in America.  A lot of money and manpower has been spent in the ‘battle for America’s families’ – yet little has changed and in fact, in the years since the launch of the ‘Moral Majority’ our families have gone from confusion to chaos to crisis.”

Back then, it was dawning on me that the whole idea of a “culture war” has been artificially manufactured to create fear and insecurity so that we will take out our checkbooks and purchase “protection” for our families.  Kind of similar to war in general ~ it’s a big money-making business and a lot of people have a vested interest in keeping it going.

As Chris Hedges, author of American Fascists: The Christian Right and the War on America, points out, “All radical movements need a crisis or a prolonged period of instability to achieve power,” ~ and, I would add ~ make lots of money.

It was somewhat bewildering for me to realize that so much of our lives and our choices are really all about some other guy making obscene amounts of cash ~ and most of us only have a vague idea that we are being used in this way.

I well remember recognizing this principle in operation during my years as a staunch, pro-life advocate. (Please note: the purpose of my including this here is NOT to start up a “pro-life” vs “pro-choice” debate )

Check it out ~ I just happen to have a PBA graphic on hand in “My Pictures” ~ a left-over from my Religious Right newspaper publishing days ~ ugh ‹(ô¿ô)›

The first time I saw actual pictures of aborted babies ~ all bloody and dismembered with recognizable tiny little baby fingers amongst the horror ~ I had a strong physical reaction which cemented my determination to fight for the unborn. BUT … after a while, I could look at those same pictures and not be much affected. So then, the pro-lifers come out with the partial-birth abortion graphics ~ showing a fully-developed baby ~ delivered except for its head ~ with a pair of scissors stabbed into the base of its skull ~ a vacuum hose is inserted into the resulting hole and the baby’s brains are sucked out ~ the baby goes limp ~ OMG!! I totally freaked! I was SHOCKED out of my apathy and renewed my efforts on the behalf of the unborn. AND I SENT MONEY ~ plenty of it ~ to those pro-life organizations which were on the “front lines” of the battle to rescue the babies. BUT … it wasn’t long before the idea of partial-birth abortion didn’t stir me quite so violently … And a while later, I began to hear about the pain which unborn babies feel during an abortion ~ and there was a campaign to force abortion clinics to inform their clients of the pain their about-to-be-killed babies would suffer ~ and to offer the mother pain-medication for the baby prior to the procedure … As I read the pro-life medical professionals’ expert testimony regarding the evidence that aborted babies feel pain … Well, to tell the truth, by this point, I was beginning to catch on to the escalation-of-horror tactics used by these right-to-life organizations and it just made me mad to realize the manipulation.

I remember discussing this with Warren ~ and I told him that we were unlikely to get rich in our newspaper business simply because I was unwilling to print the most sensational news items which might scare our readers into sending more money. I would do everything I could do in good conscience to promote the pro-life cause ~ but I would not resort to terrorism ~ and that is exactly how I had come to view the more extreme fund raising tactics of these organizations.

Where there is an actual need ~ I’m all for enterprising people making and selling their products and solutions. Just don’t invent a need ~ and certainly DO NOT perpetuate a WAR ~ the Culture War ~ just to make a buck.

Oddly enough, though I understood this in regard to the “Christian Right” in general ~ I completely overlooked the profit-driven nature of the phenomenal growth I witnessed in the Quiverfull movement.  I would often remark that “this family vision is spreading like wildfire” ~ all the while, oblivious to the fact that, of course it’s growing ~ there’s big money to be had in selling family stability and security to desperate moms and dads who’ve come to Christianity as refugees from dysfunctional homes ~ parents who are confused and scared for the future and they’re looking for answers as they scramble to raise their children in a healthier environment than that which they had experienced as kids.

According to this Salon article by Lynn Harris, Michael and Debi Pearl are “part of the booming religious publishing and products market, which hit $7.3 billion in 2005 — a 28 percent increase since 2002. … Among Christian books, the ‘Christian Living’ subcategory, which includes parenting, is one of the most popular sub-segments; products for children are expanding as well. The Packaged Facts report, titled ‘The Religious Product Market in the U.S.,’ cites ‘the culture wars’ as being one reason for this overall growth. ”

Quiverfull is clearly a specialization of the “family values” niche market that has proven so lucrative for the Christian publishing industry in general. Truthfully~ it’s turning my stomach as I’m contemplating the fact that my family ~ and tens of thousands of Quiverfull families like ours ~ have been duped and exploited for profit.

Duped and exploited.  For profit.

I’m sure the Pearls and other merchants of QF/P are sincere in their belief that there really is a Big Bad Enemy “out there” who wants to devour the children of Believers ~ but I’m also discovering that there are plenty of “family values” peddlers with not-so-pure motives. Dogemperor has done a ton of insightful research on this subject: (read here ~ and that’s just for starters).

So yeah ~ it is all about money. And that wouldn’t be so much of a problem except that the practice of QF/P is actually a sort of circular predicament in which the proffered “cure” actually feeds and accelerates the disease.

By the time it was all over for us, I had amassed an unbelievably enormous library from the Pearls, Vision Forum, Grace & Truth Books, Inheritance Publications, and similar peddlers of the Quiverfull vision ~ bookshelf after bookshelf stuffed to overflowing with “how to have a happy family”-type books, audio tapes, CDs and DVDs.  I used to make jokes about the fact that the biggest category in our budget after food was BOOKS.  But I’m not laughing about it now.

“I’ve been thinking recently about a scene from the animated Disney classic, Bambi in which the forest animals are hiding ever-so-quietly as a group of hunters pass by.  No-one moves a muscle and they’re hardly breathing and tension builds as the background music escalates and the danger draws closer until one terrified duck can’t stand it another moment.  “I can’t take it!  I can’t take it!” she screams and frantically flies from her hiding place seeking an escape and a place of safety only to be shot dead in the next instant.

 

“The reason this poor, dead bird comes to mind just now is that the intensity and anticipation of that scene seems a vivid picture of life at our house lately.  It’s been tense and overwhelming because of the current trials we face and the perceived nearness of the enemy.”

And here’s the part that really makes me sick ~ “The Enemy” ~ the “World,” which for so many years I had feared and shunned, has turned out to be a paper tiger ~ and in most cases, not just harmless, but even benevolent and beneficial ~ same thing goes for just about everything which my fundamentalist/quiverfull beliefs led me to guard my family against: television (Spongebob!), secular music, public school, peer pressure, boy/girl relationships, fashionable clothing, feminist values, convenience foods, teen rebellion, social workers and professional counselors, youth groups … and even the really big spooks: homosexuals and atheists.

Soaring Arrows Christian HOME’s Cool ~ sharpening our arrows and shooting them straight into the heart of The Enemy

So I’ve spent over a quarter century fighting with all my might in this war that has mostly been all in my head.  We were on the front lines with our family newspaper ~ and in homeschooling we were preparing our children to enter the battle too.  The war may have been imaginary ~ but the wounds inflicted are all too real. Seeing the severity of my daughter’s suffering was the impetus which moved me to lay down my weapons of warfare and walk away from the fight.

It’s not my war anymore.  If there is a God, He’s going to have to fight His own battles ~ I’m done offering up my children as ammunition for His crusades.

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There have been several Christian readers of this blog recently who are leaving comments to the affect that Laura and I were “following” ~ a cultic movement ~ “interpretations of man” ~ a false understanding of God.

Their message is this, “Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water! If only you REALLY KNEW Jesus ~ you would understand that He loves you and seeks your good.” One comment reads, “There’s a big difference between following a cause and following the living Christ.”

I will admit that such comments are seriously aggravating to me because one point we’d really like to make in all of this is that Laura and I were genuine Christians.

While Laura admittedly did “turn off” her brain and blindly accept whatever she was told (mainly by her ex-husband) about authentic Christian living ~ she still did have a conversion experience which changed her heart, mind and way of living. She sincerely desired to please the Lord in every aspect of her life ~ she prayed to God and heard from Him, was led by the Holy Spirit, experienced the joy of the Lord, and felt His peace many, many times in her life as a dedicated Believer.

For myself, I don’t believe I could have been more “sold-out” and wholly devoted ~ not to a “system of belief,” a particular dogma or bible teacher ~ but to Jesus Christ, my Savior and LORD.

The whole reason I posted the long ol’ story of my first marriage which I wrote for my uncle is because it included the testimony of my conversion. Since I wrote it when I still believed it, I’ve included it here for others to read and know that I HAVE experienced an authentic relationship with God ~ by grace, through faith. It was always about HIM.

Here’s how I explained it to my uncle early on in our correspondence:

“Let me say this: The exchange of ideas, delving into the meaning and purpose of life, comparing, contrasting, seeking compatibility ~ all of this is excellent and I look forward to the particulars of whatever we may unfold. But I don’t think I have misrepresented myself to you and that being so, you must know that for my part, the bottom line will always be Jesus. And not some ambiguous Jesus-as-I-perceive-him ~ but the Word become Flesh as He has revealed Himself in history through the Holy Scriptures.

“If all I have to offer you is the very best of myself, I am sure to disappoint you ~ it is only a matter of time. But if I can somehow convey even a glimmer of the precious treasure which the Lord has wrought in my heart through the trials which are His refining and purifying fire ~ a treasure of faith, peace, hope, patience, love (and, yes ~ words are trite and inadequate) ~ that would indeed be a God-send.”

Unlike Laura ~ as a Believer, I never stopped thinking. It was through listening to a radio program, “The Bible Answerman” that I came to the Lord in the first place ~ and apologetics was always my passion. This is why I was not the least bit concerned when my atheist uncle began writing to me ~ no way was I in any danger that Ron might talk me out of my faith because I had spent years studying my bible ~ I believed because I had REASONS to believe that Jesus is the One True God and I was ever ready to “give a defense” for the hope which was in me. Not only could I prove the Truth of my Christian faith through facts and reasoning, but I had the experience of KNOWING it was true because I had Jesus in my heart and life ~ I could feel it, I could see it evidenced over and over again as He worked in my life.

I have dozens of written testimonies of genuine encounters with the Living God ~ He was real to me and THAT is what I was living my life for. This is what I wanted my uncle to understand when I wrote the following:

When I say that I have a strong faith, I am usually not referring to the stubborn ability to maintain my beliefs in the absence of any convincing evidence (though I do admit to possessing a fair amount of that sort of faith ~ as we all do). My faith is not mere belief or wishful thinking ~ it is grounded in evidence and the longer I live, the more that evidence stacks up to the point that it’s become second-nature ~ I have every confidence.

Of course, all of this begs the question: What do I accept as “evidence” for my Christian faith? For me, it’s a combination of (in no particular order) reason, experience (which, I will admit, is weighted pretty heavily), intuition, general revelation (as in nature, scientific method) ~ and, yes, I do accept scriptural revelation as far as I am satisfied that I understand the original intent of the text (and I’m not so naive as to think that I do understand great portions of the Bible in its truest meaning).

So, no ~ I didn’t shut off my brain. It’s just that I CONFINED it to the very narrow, rigid structure of the biblical worldview of a born-again Christian. It is not because I didn’t really study my bible that I ended up in this impossible lifestyle. Quite the opposite actually ~ because I was very diligent to search these things out ~ because I was determined to live a life most true to scripture ~ THAT is how I ended up leading our family into the misogynistic world of patriarchy.

What Laura and I are sharing here is not the story of how we left a movement. I never made a decision to reject the Quiverfull/patriarchy teachings which I had ascribed to UNTIL I realized that I no longer believed in the Bible and Jesus Christ. Once I lost my “firm foundation” ~ the entire structure (which I will admit had become quite elaborate) that I had built upon the “Solid Rock” on which I stood ~ EVERYTHING ELSE (Quiverfull, patriarchy, my abusive marriage, all of it) came tumbling down when that foundation crumbled beneath me.

I have known many, many women living the Quiverfull/patriarchy lifestyle ~ these wives and mothers KNOW and LOVE Jesus Christ ~ they are “passionate housewives, desperate for God.”

To those readers who feel so strongly about defending the Lord and a genuine relationship with Him ~ consider how close you feel to God, how real He is to you ~ THAT was us too. We were totally and absolutely THERE.

I know it is incomprehensible that someone could really and truly be a Christian ~ know the Truth, be born-again ~ a new creation, etc. ~ and then walk away from it all. That IS our story. We didn’t “throw the baby out with the bathwater.” No ~ what we did was throw out the BABY. Without the baby, there’s really no point to keeping the bath water.

Keep reading because we’re going to tell you exactly how we got from there to here.

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