Tag: bill gothard

The 49 Character Qualities of Ruth #20: Betrothed

September 13, 2010

by RazingRuth

So, there I was, pre-engaged. Betrothed. I refused to say “engaged” because that would suggest I was a party to the act. Nothing could be farther from the truth. When I should’ve been praying to ask God to make my heart right with these decisions being made for me, I was asking God to get me out and show me a way to avoid it all.

My goal was to graduate high school. When I told my mother that, she made sure my home school curriculum was first priority – just to get it out of the way and give me less of an excuse. When I told my mom I didn’t like the boy ‘that way’ – she thought she’d help me by having me spend time with his family. When that didn’t work – I was sent away. I was sent to work in the offices of the movement. During that time, all ties were cut for me. I was only allowed to get one letter a week from my “betrothed” and one phone call from my parents. Both of these were pre-read and listened to. I was kept, doing church related tasks, busy for three months.

When I had been beated down (emotionally and spiritually), I was allowed to go home. The very next day, my dad invited Adam to come help with a project we were doing. He was bringing another brother as a chaperone. I knew the question was coming and the question was going to be the catalyst to change in my life.

49 Character Qualities of the Duggars: A Report Card

September 10, 2010

[Note: The point of this post is not about passing judgment on the Duggar family. The question is, does the lifestyle they endorse actually do what they say it will? Is it the perfect formula for a godly family? Or is what we’re seeing just a set of normal people striving within a very difficult way of living?

This post examines the Duggars’ own lives within the paradigm they themselves endorse. Given that we only see what our televisions allow us to-- does what we can see, reflect the image held up to us? And if it does not, how can we be sure about what we can‘t see?

No one expects the Duggars to be perfect. But that is not the question. The real question is: are they really showing us the best, most godly way to live-- or are we recipients of some level of what might be called “false advertising?” Please read "Duggar Bashing" for Vyckie's perspective on this Report Card..]

All of Bill Gothard’s 49 Character Qualities can be viewed online here.

by Hopewell

Alertness vs. Unawareness

Being aware of that which is taking place around me so I can have the right response to it (Mark 14:38)

Parents Jim-Bob and Michelle often seem oblivious to all that’s going on around them! Not to mention their apparent total disregard for OSHA regulations in building their home, it’s been quite a few years [on TV at least] since a bike helmet has been spotted and the girls continue to run things like an saw for cutting tile in loose dresses with unsecured long hair. Negative marks to Josh for only showing alertness of greed on the birth of his daughter and opting to have his wife deliver at home instead of overriding her panic at a new doctor. Sorry, but that seems more like “oh no, we’ll lose ratings for not showing the birth!” than any real concern for Anna and the baby. Kuddos, though, to Josh and John David for being alert to a roadside accident victim and performing lifesaving assistance. A big improvement in alertness to little Josie since her near-death experience when first home.

Grade for the Family D+

Attentiveness vs. Unconcern

Showing the worth of a person by giving undivided attention to his words and emotions (Hebrews 2:1)

Jim-Bob and Michelle model this perfectly for their children. Michelle’s rapt gaze as Jim-Bob speaks encourages her husband and shows him that what he is saying matters to her. As is typical of younger people, Josh and Anna struggle with this one more—especially Joshua who is likely used to being the oldest and shouting the loudest. He has gotten better at this over his first year, almost two years, of marriage.

Cousin Amy struggles with this. Grandma has it down to a “t” and the four oldest girls are coming along fine.

GRADE for the family: B+

Availability vs. Self-centeredness

Making my own schedule and priorities secondary to the wishes of those I am serving (Philippians 2:20–21)

The Duggars teach their children “J.O.Y: Jesus First, Others Second, Yourself Last.” And, surprisingly, they do a decent job of this. We’ve seen the girls make middle-of-the-night breakfast for Dad on his way to the hospital with Mama, Grandma tirelessly manning the single washer and dryer in the Little Rock house, Grandma cleaning and watching kids whenever needed, John David helping at Josh’s car lot, John David and Joseph staying behind to continue working on the Bates’ home, the older girls helping at everything all the time, Josiah picking flowers for Grandma and the girls, kids making cards and banners, even Cousin Amy pitching in to help with the little kids. Michelle loses some points here for not seeming to respond much to her little children’s needs for love and affection. (This could be the editing of the show, but seems likely to be more than that).

Grade for the family: A-

The 49 Character Qualities of Ruth #19: You are 16, going on 17

September 10, 2010


by RazingRuth

I spent close to, or maybe a little over a year, trying to dodge Adam’s calls. We weren’t officially “courting”, so I didn’t see why I had to speak with him any more than I was allowed to speak to other male “friends of the family” that called. Unfortunately, my father had decided that we should get to know each other better and that was the end of that discussion.

Adam was a very pushy guy. Many of his questions seemed inappropriate, even if they would’ve been asked in a normal dating situation. He would ask the standards:

  • How many children do you want?
  • Will you pledge to allowing the Lord to open and close your womb?
  • How do you feel about debt?
  • Would you be willing to sacrifice and go without in order to start OUR lives out with no debt?
  • Would you allow me my patriarchal authority or would you insist on an equal partnership (said like it was bad thing)?

The 49 Character Qualities of Ruth #18: Relationship

September 9, 2010


by RazingRuth

Day two of the Carson’s visit was on a Sunday and we had a worship service in our homechurch. My father led the service which, coincidently, seemed centered around the covenants of marriage and purity. This was a frequent theme in our church but it still made me feel ‘on the spot’. After service, we went to the park for a picnic. Historically, these picnics were semi-segregated by sex. The boys would gather around one area and do activities or chat with the men. The girls and women would set out the food and then congregate for “fellowship”. On this day, however, my dad suggested that I take drinks over to the boys and see if they needed anything.

Adam was, in hindsight, waiting for me to approach him. I asked the group if they needed anything and I was bombarded by requests. So much so that I couldn’t possibly carry everything back on my own. Adam volunteered to help me. The 100 yards or so back to the covered picnic area was the longest walk I’d ever had alone with a boy that wasn’t a family member. Adam took full advantage of the time and continued his interrogation from the day before. I answered in one word answers and didn’t contribute much to the discussion.

Shortly thereafter, my dad grabbed me by the arm and drug me behind the van to ask why I was being so short with Adam – apparently, Adam had told his father, who told my father, that I wasn’t being friendly enough. I told my dad that I was uncomfortable discussing personal things with Adam as I barely knew him and I had never been with a boy alone. My dad reacted in a way I thought, and still think, was strange! Instead of understanding the position I was in and congratulating me for maintaining the boundaries he’d instilled in me, he was enraged! He told me that I *would* answer all of Adam’s quetsions and I would do it JOYfully. I *would* be the “epitome of grace and womanhood” and I would “remember my place” as the eldest, “example” daughter. With that, I was pushed back to the fray. Adam was right there waiting.

The 49 Character Qualities of Ruth #17: The Begining of the Relationship That Ended It All

September 8, 2010

Note from Ruth: A few weeks after my last “life story” installment, I got e-mails from someone at IBLP and a rep from Gothard asking me to stop using the character traits as lead-ins to my story. Since I don’t know how I would stand legally, I’ll honor the request and not re-post the traits. I will, however, keep telling my story and if one of the character lessons is directly related to the story, I feel justified in posting it as background.

by RazingRuth

As I’ve said before, my family did a lot of fellowship with other IBLP/ATI/QF families. Our house was a convenient rest stop for families travelling to and from sessions, conventions, and other gatherings. While our house wasn’t terribly large, it did have a large yard and land enough to park trailers/buses/motorhomes or a fleet of vans (the general vehicle of choice for QF families).

One afternoon, as we were cleaning in preparation for yet another gathering, my dad asked to speak to me. He handed me a rake and asked me to help him level a spot under a tree for the Carson’s* trailer. (NOTE* – I’ve obviously changed names here.) He explained that the Carson’s were good friends of his (even though I’d only met them a handful of times and couldn’t recall any special relationship). My dad veered off into the unexpected when he started asking me questions about my future. Dad asked if I had been praying for my future husband or if I had thought about “seriously preparing (myself) for marriage?” I don’t remember what my external response to him was but I do remember thinking that I was uncomfortable with the way this conversation was going. After we’d cleared the spot, dad and I got in the cart to go back to the shed and he laid his hand on mine. He said that he’d been praying about my future husband and had received some guidance from the Lord. The Lord had guided him to the Carson family.

Debt-Free Duggars ~ Pt. 2: Quiverfull Royalty vs. Quivering Reality

August 31, 2010

Debt-Free Duggars ~ Pt. 1: How Quiverfull Couples Support All Those Kids! … the rest of the story …

by Hopewell

Viewers of the earliest Duggar TLC Specials [14 Children and Pregnant Again, 16 Kids and Moving In, etc] know that the Duggars have not always lived in a 7,000 square foot debt-free dream house.

In fact, like many of today’s Quiverfull families, they lived very humbly for many years saving for that dream home. A 900 square foot home behind a used car lot on a busy highway is not an average Mother of 5 little children’s dream home! Yet Michelle put up with these cramped quarters—often hiding out in the bedroom with all the kids while Jim-Bob closed a car sale. Like many savvy real estate investors they “moved up” to a “fixer upper”—a repossessed, all brick ranch home that was much bigger. They did the renovation work themselves, learning along the way, in order to make it affordable. They did their furniture and décor shopping at auctions, yard sales and thrift stores. When Michelle said on TV that they “worked really hard” so they could “relax” today she was telling only part of the story. The rest of it is not taking out a mortgage or any other debt to buy that bigger home.

But while the Duggars, on their 20 acres, with their 2000 square foot boys and girls bedrooms and indoor climbing wall represent the zenith of Quiverfull life, we need to look at how an “average” Quiverfull family lives to truly get the “whole” picture of life in this movement.

Time Heals All Wounds ~ Part 8: Somehow, I Lost My Entire Identity

August 9, 2010

All beautiful the march of days, as seasons come and go; The Hand that shaped the rose hath wrought the crystal of the snow

by Shelly Cruz

There was so much to read about this man; I didn’t even know where to begin. I stumbled across a message board that had a whole bunch of people who grew up following his teachings. They were adults now. The thing that perplexed me the most, was that these folks were calling him a religious cult leader, and that did not seem right to me.

Cecilia and her family were very strong, mature Christians. They would never get involved with something cultish, would they? The time I spent reading about this man, seemed so déjà vu to me. Everything I was reading from these strangers, was stuff I had heard before, from Cecilia herself, and it all began making sense.

Some of the things I was reading were things that I had no idea about. Things such as: there were 100+ chosen ones that were taught under this man back in the early 70’s. They signed up voluntarily, and some paid a small sum of money and were ministered too. They were given books, and literature to take home and study with their children. This was the first generation of Bill Gothard followers.

A lot of these former followers were very anti-Christian nowadays. Some were even atheists! This did not make any sense to me. Some were confused, and just strayed from religion altogether, yet some, managed to find their way back to the Lord, and were ministering to the ones that left the warped teachings of this man.

I could not spend more then several minutes at a time reading all this. I kept taking breaks, and then would go back and read some more. My heart wept so much while reading the stories. These poor helpless children had been taught that God was harsh and unloving. Who would ever want to worship a God that demanded such harshness? Who would want to remain faithful to a God that was just waiting for his children to mess up, so that he could punish them?

Time Heals All Wounds ~ Part 7: A Godly, God-Fearing Man

July 3, 2010

All beautiful the march of days, as seasons come and go; The Hand that shaped the rose hath wrought the crystal of the snow

I was feeling inadequate as a wife and mother lately, but had no clue why. Maybe it was because Cecilia called her husband Sir, and was always hanging on his every word. This had been making me nervous for a while now.

I remember asking her about it one day and she only shared, that Sarah called Abraham “Lord.” It was a matter of respect.

I took a moment, trying to imagine myself, calling my husband Lord, or even Sir. I could not help but chuckle each time I said it to myself. Is this something that a Godly wife was suppose to do? Should I be asking my husband if he would prefer I call him Lord, or Sir?

I have always been a laid back sort of wife and mother. My husband never complained about anything. We were both genuinely happy, and so were our four children. I tried hard not to butt in, as our husbands continued speaking. Cecilia’s husband continued to share the details, of this so-called trip, with my husband.

I kept hearing Cecilia’s husband repeating himself that we “REALLY” needed to go to one of these week-long marriage and parenting conventions. That it would change our life. It kept sounding amplified in my ears… I knew my husband though, and knew he was already feeling red flags with this sudden rash conversation. I could feel it, and see it in his eyes.