by Vyckie

Mom & Dad are in love … but is a patriarchal relationship of entitlement-meets-martyrdom a healthy and mutually beneficial expression of love?

Following a recent interview with the religion editor of our local newspaper, I’ve been thinking more about what I’ve learned from St. Bernard of Clairvaux concerning the four “degrees” of love which the ancient monk postulated in considering man’s relationship to God (note that this applies to all other relationships as well) ~ although I’ve already written briefly on this topic here, I’d like to now give a more thorough explanation:

Level 1) I love me for my benefit ~ here’s an infantile, self-involved person with a severe personality disorder ~ excessive self-love and the inability to recognize or acknowledge the distinct individuality of others.  This is narcissism ~ pure ego ~ unaware of, or indifferent to, differing experiences, ideas, interests, concerns, etc. which are the reality of friends, neighbors and family.  This relationship proceeds from and results in the demoralization of all concerned ~ it is all about ME ~ there is no you.

Level 2) I love you for my benefit ~ a person with this sense of entitlement and prerogative is at least a step up from the complete egomaniac.  This sort of self-love allows for the existence and personhood of others, if only as mere extensions of themselves ~ to be utilized and manipulated exclusively for their personal advancement and satisfaction.  This relationship incorporates exploitation and privilege ~ it is all about you for ME.

Level 3)  I love you for your benefit ~ here we have the martyr mentality which gives little to no thought for oneself.  It is self-denial, self-abnegation ~ living wholly for the other with no consideration of personal needs and desires.  It is a continual pouring out and giving up of self ~ literally laying down your life for others.  This relationship is the epitome of deprivation ~ it is absolutely not about ME ~ my needs do not even enter into the equation.

While a life devoted solely to others might seem admirable and even Christ-like, St. Bernard was careful to make the point that this level of martyrdom is unsustainable ~ if you don’t mind ending up dead or wishing you were dead from sheer exhaustion, self-loathing and despondency ~ go ahead and give it a try.

Level 4) I love me for your benefit ~ anyone who has traveled by plane is familiar with the potentially life-saving admonition, “In the event that the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling above you. First, place the mask over your own nose and mouth; then, assist others…” Such advice is sensible ~ and it is really the only option capable of sustaining a mutually beneficial, healthy relationship over the long haul.  This relationship establishes reciprocity and mutuality ~ symbiosis, if you will ~ it is all about me for YOU and you for ME ~ it is a form of self-love, but it is not selfish.

So ~ what does all of this have to do with the Quiverfull/Patriarchal philosophy and lifestyle?

As I’ve mentioned before, the demanding Quiverfull life is a recipe for burn-out ~ not only for Mom ~ but for the older daughters as well.  And though at first glance the hierarchical family structure with husband as head and wife as submissive helper may appear to be an inviting set-up for the men ~ the day to day reality, and the long-term effect of being indiscriminately catered to ~ the perpetual indulgence of power and control ~ turns out to be not such a sweet deal for Daddy after all. Continue reading »