For those readers who are interested in hearing an explanation of the Quiverfull philosophy and lifestyle, “Children Are a Blessing” by Moore Family Films is available free online through April 30th.
Tag: Maternal Martyr
Emotional Incest: The Mama’s Boy and the Other Woman
by Sierra
I have already written about the ways that growing up in fundamentalist-evangelical culture made me especially vulnerable to covert incest from my father. There is a flip side to the father-daughter craze in Christian patriarchy, though. I am here to bring you two stories: and one of them isn’t about me!
In what would have been my high school years, a miracle happened. Sven, my best friend from my early childhood, came back to my church. We were fourteen. We had been estranged for about three years while his family lived in another state. But we quickly reconnected (not least due to my idealistic hopes that we could pick up where we left off, and some aggressive book-lending). But the stakes were so much higher now.
Sven’s mother had all but declared me a slut at seven years old, a fact I’ve alluded to several times as it was formative for my conception of myself (in a quite negative way that required overcoming later). But now that we actually had secondary sex characteristics, my apparent sluttitude was all the more threatening. Who knew what debaucheries my round, pimpled face might concoct? Meanwhile, I dreamed that Sven would take me away somewhere to live in childless bliss in the mountains. In retrospect, Sven could hardly have taken me across his driveway without asking his mother’s permission. But who is better at sustaining ill-fated wishes than a lonely fourteen-year-old?
Debunking the Fourteen Basic Needs of a Marriage: Part 1b – Women? Goals? Who Are YOU Kidding!
By Incongruous Circumspection
In Part 1a, we witnessed Bill Gothard call a woman who does not obey her husband in everything, never questioning any decision he makes, a “fool”. He based this epithet on a woman while referencing Ephesians 5:22 – 24. Of course, I uncovered the fact that Bill was flat out lying. That passage says nothing of the sort.
Let’s continue discussing Gothard’s first Basic Need of a Husband ([A man needs a wife that is loyal and supportive]).
Gothard continues to expound on the above basic need by stating the following:
[Realize that your husband’s perspective is different than yours.]
Wow. Bill is really smart. Put two or more people together and you have differences. But let’s not give him any credit. That’s not what he means. Patriarchy (the religious philosophy that Bill Gothard bases all his materials on) and the Authority Doctrine (P/AD) requires distinct differences in men and women in order to prove that women need a man to rule them.
[A man’s goals often involve long-range achievement. Therefore, a man is willing to sacrifice short-term convenience in order to meet an important long-term goal. However, a wife’s perspective usually centers on short-term goals associated with her responsibilities in the family and home. During times of pressure, a wife should keep the “big picture” in mind. Accept difficult situations from God without giving Him a deadline to remove them]
While reading the above, did anyone think about sex? I would posit that most men have short term goals in mind when it comes to rolling around between the sheets. Well, of course, he probably wants to last a while, but that can still hardly be called “long term”. But Bill protects himself from this argument because he cleverly uses the words “often” and “usually” when referring to a man’s “goals” and a woman’s “perspective”.
Debunking the Fourteen Basic Needs of a Marriage: Part 1a
by Incongruous Circumspection
In the Introduction, we looked into the general idea that Bill Gothard is trying to get across in this series. He attempts to list seven basic needs of a husband and seven, also, of the wife. We discuss the flaw in this logic, which is, Bill treats life as if all men and women are exactly the same. Worse yet, Bill positions this series, as well as all of his “truth” in all of his materials, as the non-optional, unquestioned, standard for finding favor with God.
Justice is No Lady: Chapter 10 My Right to Be Heard
By Tess Willoughby
Nate got another partner almost immediately. He found her on a Christian dating site. Patty had money from her millionaire father and a big house paid for by the government salary of her estranged husband. Nate had told me that remarriage for me was unbiblical, but he found a loophole in Scripture and told the children that he and Patty were already married in God’s eyes. God having spoken, Nate moved into Patty’s house and put our marital home up for rent.
Nate wrote me a letter warning that if I did not “come to terms” (give him full custody of the children), he would hold a big yard sale and sell off everything in the house that belonged to me and the kids. He had the right to do this, having been awarded the entire contents of the house by the courts. The letter specifically mentioned a silver tray that my grandparents had given us as a wedding present. The toys, costly and old-fashioned and ordered from catalogs, had been my parents’ birthday and Christmas gifts to the children. The kids had left behind probably two thousand dollars’ worth of toys–$300 in large hand-carved wooden blocks alone. Nate sold them all, except for a few that he informed us he would keep at Patty’s house for “when the children come home.” Nate sold or gave to Goodwill the 150 books in my personal library and the children’s library.
The Formula Problem: Why Duggarizing Your Marriage is Not Recommended
by Incongruous Circumspection
Baking is one of my favorite pastimes. I make a killer banana bread. I love baking cookies and many times, like Marie Barone, bake a cake just because. I follow recipes very closely but always add vanilla even if it is not called for. I can follow those recipes to the letter for one simple reason – I live 900 feet above sea level.
Those who live 2500 feet above sea level cannot enjoy the ease of baking I take for granted. When a recipe calls for a certain amount of flour, they have to add a bit more of the liquid ingredients. If baking powder is needed, the elevated baker must reduce the amount by as much as half. Baking temperatures must be increased. And it isn’t as easy as following specific directions for a perfect cake either. In order to find the perfect balance of everything, copious testing and many failures must ensue. But, just as the elevated baker is finding the correct balance, a thunderstorm hits and their angel food cake comes out of the oven in the shape of a discus.
Such is life in the baking world and such is the idea behind marriage. What works for one couple will not necessarily work for another couple.
Everyone in the world is familiar with JimBob and Michelle Duggar. They are all over television with their TLC program, as well as having been on numerous talk shows and the subject of many a news story. They tow the line of an organization called Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP) and their home schooling program Advanced Training Institute (ATI).
IBLP/ATI is run by a chronically unmarried man named Bill Gothard with a storied past, full of scandals. This gentleman has propped himself up as an expert on marriage and everything to do with family life. He is quite the guru with millions of direct and indirect adherents to his ideas. Yes…ideas. Bill Gothard has seven steps to this, fourteen steps to that, twelve steps to everything except alcoholism, three steps to whatever else. The material he puts out is so formulaic, a follower of his has nothing to do but reference any of his hundreds of manuals for any question in life.
As was put forth in ATI material that Michelle Duggar handed out to women at a conference she was speaking at, the formula for marriage is very simple. The wife must worship her husband at every turn in life. She must stand behind him in all his decisions and respect his leadership. She must look at him lovingly whenever he speaks and not interrupt. She cannot argue with him or disagree unless she follows a formula to make a “godly” appeal. All financial decisions are his. All final decisions are his. Her husbands vision must be her vision and absolute unquestioning trust and faith must be placed in the man she married.
This seems to work well for JimBob and Michelle Duggar. JimBob appears to be an ambitious man and has started numerous businesses. Currently, he is successful at real estate, not to mention the large amounts of money involved in any television show. Trusting a man to make good decisions is very easy when that man works hard, efficiently, smart, and enough to more than enough money is rolling in.
The problem is that two people living together is never a cookie-cutter situation. JimBob and Michelle Duggar, as well as all adherents of IBLP/ATI practices, have a favorite line that you will hear whenever they give public interviews or are backed into a corner, defending their ancient and outdated belief system.
“This is simply our conviction.”
No it isn’t. If you dig into the reality of IBLP/ATI/Duggar, you will see what they portray as their conviction is really much more. They posit that, due to their convictions, they have been blessed by God. The obvious conclusion is that if others do not have the same convictions, then God is obligated not to bless them. Thus, the “simply our conviction” line is really a translucent lie.
The 14 Basic Needs of Jim-Bob and Michelle Duggar
by Hopewell
Recently on “19 Kids and Counting,” Michelle Duggar was seen giving women a handout on the “7 Basic Needs of a Husband,” a document produced and distributed by the Advanced Training Institute –the Duggar’s “homeschool group.” She also gave out the group’s “Character Qualities” chart, which I discussed in an earlier post, The 49 Character Qualities of the Duggars.
The 14 Basic Needs of Jim-Bob and Michelle Duggar: How they meet each other’s 7 Basic Needs:
7 Basic Needs of a Husband:
- A man needs a wife who is loyal and supportive: Obviously, Jim-Bob picked the right wife! Michelle has been there with him, supportive to the max, thru years of small businesses, scrimping and buying used and saving the difference to achieve his (well, their) dream for their family. She’s put up with a two bedroom house on a car lot keeping 4 or 5 small children quiet while Daddy made a car sale. She’s sold cars herself with babies underfoot, gone out to tow cars on her own and kept all the family fed, clothed and healthy throughout it all. That was the early years.
Today Michelle is beside Jim-Bob at every possible moment—even on the Santorum Campaign trail when possible. While she has Grandma Duggar and the big girls to take up much of the day-to-day running of the family, caring for Jim-Bob is her responsibility and she obviously takes it seriously. Her rapt attention when he is speaking shows her love for him.
- A man needs a wife who honors his leadership: Michelle honors her husband by taking any opportunity to praise him as a father, speaking lovingly of love of family fun, of making a careful response to problems and of modeling the behavior he wants to see in his children. She openly admires his vision for the family and his business acumen. When he is speaking she is completely focused on him.
- A man needs a wife who develops inward and outward beauty Michelle has kept herself in very good shape considering all the years of pregnancy she’s endured. She honors her husband’s preference for long hair at an age when most wives have long since cut theirs for convenience. She maintains her composure in difficult situations and tries always to speak in a loving voice. She laughs easily and her smile at that time is lovely. She is a very outgoing lady.
- A man needs a wife who will make appeals, not demands. While we cannot know what goes on when the cameras are off, it does not appear that Michelle is a very demanding of her husband. She does not complain about him dragging home an antique harp or buying a new bus—she’s used to his whims and trusts his business sense. She knows him well and lives easily and happily with him.
Michelle says, Never enough babies!
Quiverfull and the Introvert: Where Do You Get Your Energy?
“Where do you get your energy?!”
This is a question which is frequently asked of Quiverfull moms by amazed and admiring onlookers who cannot imagine being able to keep up with the exponential demands of “biblical womanhood” including: perpetual pregnancy, child-bearing, adopting sibling groups, breastfeeding, baby wearing, chronic sleep deprivation, raising half a dozen or more closely-spaced, “stair-step” children, homeschooling – year round through chronic illness, child-training, character training, tomato-staking, discipling children, homemaking, penny-pinching, organic gardening, baking from scratch, once-a-month cooking, homesteading, sewing modest clothing, showing hospitality, operating a “cottage” business, staying trim, fit and healthy, and of course, serving as loving helpmeet … all without the modern woman’s “village” of helpers: daycare, preschool, play dates, public school, the boob-tube babysitter, pre-packaged and frozen foods, day spas, “me time,” credit cards, government assistance, “allopathic” medicine, Sunday School, youth group, therapists, Ritalin for the kids, or Xanax for mom.
Even a cursory perusal of the above-linked Quiverfull blogs will leave a woman feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. “Where do you get your energy?” is the obvious and unavoidable question.
The most flippant, unprofitable, guilt-inducing, and insincere responses often sound the most spiritual:
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
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