Tag: quiverfull

NLQ FAQ: Why Do You Dwell in the Past ~ Why Don’t You Just Forgive and Move On?

August 26, 2010

by Vyckie

Q: Why Do You Dwell in the Past ~ Why Don’t You Just Forgive and Move On?

Those of us who are sharing our stories of physical, emotional and spiritual abuse at No Longer Quivering are often accused of being bitter and angry.

I frequently receive emails encouraging me to “move on” ~ one writer told me, “You’re out! Good for you. You deserve to be happy, so quit dwelling on past abuse and live and enjoy your life fully in the present.”

I understand this ~ and when Laura chose to stop writing her story here at NLQ because she didn’t want to rehash all the painful memories of abuse ~ and she saw that it was having a harmful effect on her kids ~ and she married Richard and wanted to focus on her new life ~ I was very happy for her. I believe Laura’s example ~ of moving on to a new, happy life ~ is very powerful and inspiring.

Laura’s story brings us hope that the pain and turmoil of leaving an abusive relationship is not forever ~ it is possible to find happiness and not be always controlled and defined by past abuse.

The thing is ~ if we all “move on” then there will be no record ~ no warning. Which is why I’m still here writing and doing what I can in my own way to make a difference. It doesn’t mean that those of us telling our stories are bitter or that we are stuck in the past. In fact, NLQ is all about the future. We write so that the lives of many women which might otherwise have become hell on earth, will instead be free from legalism, self-abnegation and abuse.

Preparing a Visionary Daughter to Do Hard Things ~ Part 6: Life. Liberty. And the Pursuit of Happiness.

August 24, 2010

by Kiery

When we arrived, my boyfriend’s family and pastor took me in and became my adopted family. They ministered to me and loved me, and generally instilled the confidence in myself, in God, and in family that I had lost.

When we announced the news of my engagement, my family started writing my pastor and generally trying to sabotage my wedding by not sending my dress or supporting me in any way. To give me my dress would the same as giving money to a homeless drunk in their eyes. My in-laws and my boyfriend paid for everything, and we used the church for free.

It was a (perfect) small wedding. My grandparents came and I walked the aisle alone. I liked this because, it was me, making a decision. My pastor asked me after the ceremony how I felt, and I answered “free.” I made it. I didn’t give up, and I did what I knew was right. It was worth the pain, the depression, and the sacrifice to be free.

I’ve left a lot behind, I think differently, I don’t view the world as I used to, and I’m enjoying having the liberty to learn and grow. My husband and I have been married over a year, are stronger than ever, and enjoy being able to make decisions without being worried about unneeded input. I am now confident and pleased with myself – no longer hating my own guts.

Time Heals All Wounds ~ Part 9: Draw Near to God

August 23, 2010

All beautiful the march of days, as seasons come and go; The Hand that shaped the rose hath wrought the crystal of the snow

by Shelly Cruz

It was not until a period of distance was placed between my family and Cecilia’s, that I began to see the blessing that Cecilia gave me. It was an ABUNDANT blessing in disguise! At the time, I felt sad, lonely, depressed and even angry with her and with her whole family. I felt that Cecilia divorced our friendship, and I had no idea why.

I went from being a babe in Christ, to a woman, desiring nothing more, than to love my Savior Jesus. God was changing me little by little each day. I began to pray for specific things, and within weeks, sometimes days, prayers were being answered.

As I spent time in prayer, I started hearing the Lord speak directly to me. I became sensitive to hearing his voice. Good things began happening in my life. It felt amazing! I felt on fire for the Lord, and wanted to scream it from the rooftops! I felt that I had been lost, walking around in limbo for so long, but now I was found.

I clung to this verse: “Draw near to God and he will draw near to you.” (James 4:8)

“Husbands love your wives …” ~ the Peanut Butter in the Patriarchy trap!

August 20, 2010

My daughter, Berea, has mice in her new apartment ~ and this morning she asked on her Facebook status: WHAT DO MICE WANT?

Answer: Peanut Butter! :)

by Vyckie

I’ve lost track of how many times I have been told that the only reason wifely submission did not work out in my marriage was because I was married to a jerk.

Recently, “Karebear” commented: I hope that you two understand that the groups/husbands that you were with were not practicing a Godly lifestyle. The bible does call women to be submissive to their husbands but it also calls men to love their wives …. And, the bible defines love as, not self-seeking, protective, kind ext….

Another reader wrote:

Husbands are commanded to love their wives and this love of a husband is only of value if it is sacrificial, Christ is the example of sacrificial love (Servant King–NOT TYRANT).

Submission of a wife is only a beautiful gift if the context is respect as opposed to fear.

The impression I get (forgive me for speaking out of ignorance) is that your marriage was codependant and that your husband had a weakness for malignant narcissism/Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

So in other words ~ the failure was not in the teachings of Patriarchy ~ but in our practice of it ~ we were doing it wrong. These defenders of Patriarchy assume that I was submitting out of fear and they’re also convinced that Warren never sacrificed for me and the kids.

Let me state plainly that throughout our 18 year marriage ~ I never doubted for a minute that Warren loved me and the children more than himself and that he always put our welfare ahead of his own concerns.

Here’s the thing: Over the years, as we got more and more into the patriarchal mindset ~ our definition of what it means for a husband to “love” and to “sacrifice” morphed into some pretty twisted ideas!

The teachings we learned from leaders such as Jonathan Lindvall, Doug Phillips, etc. led us to believe that the husband loves and serves the Lord as “protector, provider, and priest” or sometimes stated, “prophet, priest, and king” of his family ~ all important aspects of his role as “head of the household.”

In every sermon, book, magazine article, radio interview, etc. which taught about a wife’s submission ~ there was *always* included the admonition to husbands that they “love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her.” WE UNDERSTOOD THAT PART OF THE PLAN!!!

Truthfully~ “Husband’s love your wives” is the part that makes the whole Patriarchy deal seem so bloody attractive! What woman doesn’t want a husband and father for her children who willingly lays down his life and serves, protects, provides ~ a man who fulfills his leadership role with gentleness and competence?

That’s exactly what we all wanted.

Justice is No Lady ~ Prologue: Final Break

August 15, 2010

Warning: This story series contains descriptions of physical abuse.

by Defendant Rising

July 12, 2001. I woke up with one thought in my head. I am going to die.

I don’t know where this conviction came from, unless it was the cracked ribs. It hurt to move; it hurt to breathe. I was also dizzy. I had awakened dizzy for five months straight, ever since Maggie was born. I never went anywhere without a cup of crushed ice to chew on. This, too, had lasted for five months. Maggie—exclusively breast-fed—looked puny and pallid.

I knew Nate was going to kill me unless I did something to save myself. I guess I should explain that Nate didn’t crack my ribs. They had been cracked in the accident on the day before, July 11, my 33rd birthday. Nate had angrily quoted Scripture and accused me of “spiritual adultery” for half an hour in the van until I cried myself blind. He said we were leaving our church to “home-church” again. Then Nate stopped at his law office, got out of the van, and let me take the wheel.

I didn’t see the Ford Explorer coming at 60 miles per hour. I pulled out right in front of it, still sobbing. My rib cage hit the steering wheel. My six children—Maggie, the baby; Samuel, two; Rachel, four; Moriah, six; Jack, eight; and Daniel, nine—were miraculously unhurt, except for small cuts from flying glass.

The next thing I remember, I was lying in the hospital. Nate was pacing the floor in front of my gurney, a strange light in his eyes. “Baby,” he said, looking at the wallpaper, “this is financially good for our family.” Nate practiced personal injury law.

On the 12th, the next morning, I sat up in bed and put my head between my knees until the dizziness cleared. I am going to die, I thought again. I only have one chance.

I stumbled down to our garage-converted-to-a-home-office. Nate was on the internet.

“I am getting a tubal ligation,” I said.

People Magazine: Michelle Duggar says, “We’re ready for more!”

August 12, 2010

What if God hates Quiverfull? How would Jim Bob & Michelle know?

by Vyckie

In the latest issue of People magazine, Jim Bob & Michelle Duggar say they are ready to consider a 20th child.

The only thing that surprises me about this statement is the fact that Michelle is not already pregnant ~ I was predicting that she’d make an announcement when she received that “Mother of the Year” award at Vision Forum’s Baby Conference last month.

Since writing the latest NLQ FAQ: Which of Your Kids Would You Rather Had Never Been Born?, I have been thinking more about confirmation bias and Quiverfull.

Specifically, I wonder, “What if God hates Quiverfull ~ what could He do to communicate His disapproval of prolific and indiscriminate reproduction to the Duggars, who claim to be “following [their] convictions”?

Let me explain what I mean.

When I first began to hear about the Quiverfull conviction of trusting the Lord with my family planning ~ leaving my reproductive life completely in His capable hands ~ I convinced my (ex)husband, Warren to have a vasectomy reversal. The surgery was successful and I immediately got pregnant ~ confirmation that Quiverfull was indeed God’s will for our family.

Everything that could possibly go wrong during that pregnancy did: gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, polyhydramnios, emergency c-section ~ that’s just the short list ~ the full story was an absolute nightmare.

Afterward, friends and family came to visit me in the hospital and all of them asked, Are you really sure this is what God called you to do?

OneNewsNow ~ “Pro-Family” Christian newswire: “Birth-control pills are just as damaging as abortion.”

August 11, 2010

“Two Christian family advocates are speaking out against birth-control pills, saying contraception goes against biblical teachings about having families.” ~ OneNewsNow

by Vyckie Garrison

Hat tip to NLQ reader, Tim Williamson of The Blue Frog, for bringing this news item to my attention, saying: Saw this on OneNewsNow, the “news” arm of the AFA (Acting Fundamentally Absurd.)

The Bible and Birth Control

The article details “family advocates,” Geoffrey Botkin’s and Doug Phillips’ Quiverfull ideal “that birth-control pills are just as damaging as abortion.”

“As the fertilized egg tries to implant, it’s not able to do so. And so then, an abortion occurs,” he explains. “The people who [were] behind the creation of the pill back in the 1950s, they knew this, but it was not their concern to preserve the life of a child.”

Phillips warns that without a cultural return to God and God’s teaching, the issue will continue. “Unless we go back to the Bible right now, we will never be able to handle the complex issues that are coming around over the next ten years,” he states.

Time Heals All Wounds ~ Part 8: Somehow, I Lost My Entire Identity

August 9, 2010

All beautiful the march of days, as seasons come and go; The Hand that shaped the rose hath wrought the crystal of the snow

by Shelly Cruz

There was so much to read about this man; I didn’t even know where to begin. I stumbled across a message board that had a whole bunch of people who grew up following his teachings. They were adults now. The thing that perplexed me the most, was that these folks were calling him a religious cult leader, and that did not seem right to me.

Cecilia and her family were very strong, mature Christians. They would never get involved with something cultish, would they? The time I spent reading about this man, seemed so déjà vu to me. Everything I was reading from these strangers, was stuff I had heard before, from Cecilia herself, and it all began making sense.

Some of the things I was reading were things that I had no idea about. Things such as: there were 100+ chosen ones that were taught under this man back in the early 70’s. They signed up voluntarily, and some paid a small sum of money and were ministered too. They were given books, and literature to take home and study with their children. This was the first generation of Bill Gothard followers.

A lot of these former followers were very anti-Christian nowadays. Some were even atheists! This did not make any sense to me. Some were confused, and just strayed from religion altogether, yet some, managed to find their way back to the Lord, and were ministering to the ones that left the warped teachings of this man.

I could not spend more then several minutes at a time reading all this. I kept taking breaks, and then would go back and read some more. My heart wept so much while reading the stories. These poor helpless children had been taught that God was harsh and unloving. Who would ever want to worship a God that demanded such harshness? Who would want to remain faithful to a God that was just waiting for his children to mess up, so that he could punish them?